I don’t have good-looking legs.
Not even in heels, which I have worn during the Men’s March Against Domestic Violence, and also the night I turned 21.
Fortunately, in both cases (Well, one for sure) I had pants on, so other than looking like a standard poodle walking on its hind legs for a dog biscuit, everyone was spared from seeing my hairy stork legs.
To be honest, even a stork would probably wear pants if it had my legs.
However, come Aug. 13, I will jeopardize the vision of hundreds of people at the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life in my home town by dressing as Marilyn Monroe for the “Mr. Relay” fundraiser.
Naturally, I will be wearing heels. And yes, at some point my skirt will be blown upward, revealing a sight that even Miley Cyrus said “Crosses the line of decency.”
I’m relieved to say I won’t be alone in this endeavor.
At least, I better not be.
The way it was explained to me, there will be about a dozen men dressing as their favorite female movie actress or character. Given that I’ll be turning 50 a few days later, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to cross off “Emotionally scar as many people as possible all at once” from my bucket list. I had actually considered dressing as “Black Widow” from “The Avengers,” but the thought of wearing something THAT skintight had me worried. Not so much because of my figure, but out of fear that my growing lack of flatulence control as I’ve aged might cause the suit to expand like a piece of Hubba Bubba bubble gum. If it were to pop, the concussion could cost people their hearing. And I don’t even want to think of what could happen if the stage is anywhere near an open flame.
Remember the Hindenburg?
So for everyone’s safety, I’m going to stick with Marilyn Monroe. Though there is still the risk of emotional scarring, at least there’s good ventilation.
Some of you might be asking, “Why are you doing this?”
Others might be asking, “Where exactly is Florence, Ore., so I can protect the one I love by going nowhere near it this weekend?
Rest assured that as long as you stay on the I5 corridor through Oregon, you will be safe. As for why I’m doing this? A portion of the money each of us raises in this competition goes to support cancer research, with the rest going to programs in and around my community. Like many of you, I have lost people I love to cancer, including a best friend who was barely 30.
And yes, he had much better legs than me. If my hairy stork legs can help keep someone else from losing a loved one to cancer, I’m all in.
Even if “in” means wearing a short dress and high heels.
If you would like to contribute by supporting my ugly legs, you can send a check to, or drop off a donation at:
The Siuslaw News
c/o Ned’s Hairy Legs
148 Maple Street
Florence, Ore 97439
Please make checks payable to The American Cancer Society and, if you’d like, put “Ned’s Hairy Legs” in the subject line on the check. Not that there’ll be a cure for those anytime soon.
Thank you in advance for your support, whether it be financially or emotionally. Especially for those who will actually see my legs this Saturday…
(Note: They will continue to collect donations for this event through the end of August. If you send a check and it arrives before Aug. 31, I’ll make sure it gets there! If it arrives after that, I’ll use it for a leg wax…)