Naturally, I’m dressing as Marilyn Monroe to help fight cancer

imageI don’t have good-looking legs.

Not even in heels, which I have worn during the Men’s March Against Domestic Violence, and also the night I turned 21.

Fortunately, in both cases (Well, one for sure) I had pants on, so other than looking like a standard poodle walking on its hind legs for a dog biscuit, everyone was spared from seeing my hairy stork legs.

To be honest, even a stork would probably wear pants if it had my legs.

However, come Aug. 13, I will jeopardize the vision of hundreds of people at the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life in my home town by dressing as Marilyn Monroe for the “Mr. Relay” fundraiser.

Naturally, I will be wearing heels. And yes, at some point my skirt will be blown upward, revealing a sight that even Miley Cyrus said “Crosses the line of decency.” 

I’m relieved to say I won’t be alone in this endeavor.

At least, I better not be.

The way it was explained to me, there will be about a dozen men dressing as their favorite female movie actress or character. Given that I’ll be turning 50 a few days later, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to cross off “Emotionally scar as many people as possible all at once” from my bucket list. I had actually considered dressing as “Black Widow” from “The Avengers,” but the thought of wearing something THAT skintight had me worried. Not so much because of my figure, but out of fear that my growing lack of flatulence control as I’ve aged might cause the suit to expand like a piece of Hubba Bubba bubble gum. If it were to pop, the concussion could cost people their hearing. And I don’t even want to think of what could happen if the stage is anywhere near an open flame.

Remember the Hindenburg?


So for everyone’s safety, I’m going to stick with Marilyn Monroe. Though there is still the risk of emotional scarring, at least there’s good ventilation.

Some of you might be asking, “Why are you doing this?”

Others might be asking, “Where exactly is Florence, Ore., so I can protect the one I love by going nowhere near it this weekend?

Rest assured that as long as you stay on the I5 corridor through Oregon, you will be safe. As for why I’m doing this? A portion of the money each of us raises in this competition goes to support cancer research, with the rest going to programs in and around my community. Like many of you, I have lost people I love to cancer, including a best friend who was barely 30.

And yes, he had much better legs than me. If my hairy stork legs can help keep someone else from losing a loved one to cancer, I’m all in.

Even if “in” means wearing a short dress and high heels.

If you would like to contribute by supporting my ugly legs, you can send a check to, or drop off a donation at:

The Siuslaw News

c/o Ned’s Hairy Legs

148 Maple Street

Florence, Ore 97439

Please make checks payable to The American Cancer Society and, if you’d like, put “Ned’s Hairy Legs” in the subject line on the check. Not that there’ll be a cure for those anytime soon.

Thank you in advance for your support, whether it be financially or emotionally. Especially for those who will actually see my legs this Saturday…


(Note: They will continue to collect donations for this event through the end of August. If you send a check and it arrives before Aug. 31, I’ll make sure it gets there! If it arrives after that, I’ll use it for a leg wax…)





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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

39 thoughts on “Naturally, I’m dressing as Marilyn Monroe to help fight cancer”

  1. Respect, Ned. A subject close to my heart having lost many family members, work colleagues (one of which was looking forward to her 18th birthday but never reached it) and my best friend.

  2. Again… because you are awesome! Thank you for your willingness to be humiliated for charity! It’s a good cause! I have lost several beautiful people to cancer in my life! Rock on!~

    1. Thanks, Courtney! I usually just unwillingly humiliated, so it’s actually a nice change 😉 Seriously though, I’m glad to be able to contribute in some way to helping stop something that has taken so much from so many.

  3. My first 5k was for the ACS and I honored my grandfather (died at 56) and my uncle (who died at 52). My presentation paled in comparison to what you’re about to do, and I applaud you! I will happily donate to the cause – with one condition – video and/or pics please. =D

    1. A great way to honor those men, Tara, and important that we keep the memories and message going.

      Oh, and speaking of pale, I’m sure my legs will be captured on video by my wife 😉

    1. Haha! Must’ve been a time warp! Very good to see you again. Although I’m not sure you’ll feel the same way after seeing the photos from this weekend 😉

No one is watching, I swear...

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