I don’t have good-looking legs.
Not even in heels, which I have worn during the Men’s March Against Domestic Violence, and also the night I turned 21.
Fortunately, in both cases (Well, one for sure) I had pants on, so other than looking like a standard poodle walking on its hind legs for a dog biscuit, everyone was spared from seeing my hairy stork legs.
To be honest, even a stork would probably wear pants if it had my legs.
However, come Aug. 13, I will jeopardize the vision of hundreds of people at the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life in my home town by dressing as Marilyn Monroe for the “Mr. Relay” fundraiser.
Naturally, I will be wearing heels. And yes, at some point my skirt will be blown upward, revealing a sight that even Miley Cyrus said “Crosses the line of decency.”
I’m relieved to say I won’t be alone in this endeavor.
At least, I better not be.
The way it was explained to me, there will be about a dozen men dressing as their favorite female movie actress or character. Given that I’ll be turning 50 a few days later, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to cross off “Emotionally scar as many people as possible all at once” from my bucket list. I had actually considered dressing as “Black Widow” from “The Avengers,” but the thought of wearing something THAT skintight had me worried. Not so much because of my figure, but out of fear that my growing lack of flatulence control as I’ve aged might cause the suit to expand like a piece of Hubba Bubba bubble gum. If it were to pop, the concussion could cost people their hearing. And I don’t even want to think of what could happen if the stage is anywhere near an open flame.
Remember the Hindenburg?
So for everyone’s safety, I’m going to stick with Marilyn Monroe. Though there is still the risk of emotional scarring, at least there’s good ventilation.
Some of you might be asking, “Why are you doing this?”
Others might be asking, “Where exactly is Florence, Ore., so I can protect the one I love by going nowhere near it this weekend?
Rest assured that as long as you stay on the I5 corridor through Oregon, you will be safe. As for why I’m doing this? A portion of the money each of us raises in this competition goes to support cancer research, with the rest going to programs in and around my community. Like many of you, I have lost people I love to cancer, including a best friend who was barely 30.
And yes, he had much better legs than me. If my hairy stork legs can help keep someone else from losing a loved one to cancer, I’m all in.
Even if “in” means wearing a short dress and high heels.
If you would like to contribute by supporting my ugly legs, you can send a check to, or drop off a donation at:
The Siuslaw News
c/o Ned’s Hairy Legs
148 Maple Street
Florence, Ore 97439
Please make checks payable to The American Cancer Society and, if you’d like, put “Ned’s Hairy Legs” in the subject line on the check. Not that there’ll be a cure for those anytime soon.
Thank you in advance for your support, whether it be financially or emotionally. Especially for those who will actually see my legs this Saturday…
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(Note: They will continue to collect donations for this event through the end of August. If you send a check and it arrives before Aug. 31, I’ll make sure it gets there! If it arrives after that, I’ll use it for a leg wax…)
Ned's Blog 
You never cease to amaze me, Ned.
Good on ya, mate.
Thanks, Robert! We’ll see what you say after you see my legs…
I can’t decide whether it’ll be better with or without the wig.
Please post photos of both options, so that we might better advise you on these important wardrobe decisions.
I’m working on getting a wig and size 11.5 heels. I’ll keep you and the rest of the advisory board updated! 😉
That seems like the perfect way to turn 50. As a survivor, I thank you.
Lol! Thank YOU, and I am so glad to know that.
Respect, Ned. A subject close to my heart having lost many family members, work colleagues (one of which was looking forward to her 18th birthday but never reached it) and my best friend.
My heart is definitely with yours on this. Thank you for sharing it.
Bless you.
Again… because you are awesome! Thank you for your willingness to be humiliated for charity! It’s a good cause! I have lost several beautiful people to cancer in my life! Rock on!~
Thanks, Courtney! I usually just unwillingly humiliated, so it’s actually a nice change 😉 Seriously though, I’m glad to be able to contribute in some way to helping stop something that has taken so much from so many.
LOL…A good cause and a funny post.
Thanks, my friend 😉
My first 5k was for the ACS and I honored my grandfather (died at 56) and my uncle (who died at 52). My presentation paled in comparison to what you’re about to do, and I applaud you! I will happily donate to the cause – with one condition – video and/or pics please. =D
A great way to honor those men, Tara, and important that we keep the memories and message going.
Oh, and speaking of pale, I’m sure my legs will be captured on video by my wife 😉
best of luck, sweet marilyn
Beth, you can call me Norma Jean…
I’m glad to hear you’ll be all in. In this dress, it’s hard to keep stuff from popping out.
I’m not making any promises, X…
Ha haha… can’t wait to see this. For now though, going to go buy some appropriate oil to deal with the upcoming scarring.
You might want to go 40-weight Valvoline.
Awaiting pictures. 🙂
I promise there will be pictures. My wife will make sure of it 😉
I have no doubt! Don’t forget the bacon, lol. 🙂
You’re turning 50? How long was I gone? Thankfully, not long enough to miss THIS update! Can’t wait to see the photos! 😛
Haha! Must’ve been a time warp! Very good to see you again. Although I’m not sure you’ll feel the same way after seeing the photos from this weekend 😉
Depends on how much I get to see of you 😉
No, no, no, just no… Well, okay, since it is for a cause and my eyes will not have to see it.
Lol! Exactly. But you should stay away from my blog on Monday if you want to be spared 😉
PICTURES PLEASE (once it happens). And good on you 🙂
Deal, Alex — and I promise, no “before” photos!
😂🙏🏼
You contribute a great deal to your community and those in need Ned. Well done.
Thanks, Paul. If I ever retire, I hope to do more 😉
Great cause. I hope you raise a lot. Not the dress the money. Please no red thong..
Hahaha! No worries. I think I’m going with my Marvel Superhero underwear (Adult Underoos basically) 😉
Oh man. *Face palm…
Hey, with the Marilyn outfit and the flatulence, I see a perfect opportunity to reenact that classic billowing dress sequence from The Seven Year Itch.
Trust me, I’m on it!