I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...
Because tomorrow is National Grandparents Day, and we know our grandparents would never say anything bad about any photo of their grandchildren, I and the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause will say it for them during this week’s Saturday Six.
You’re welcome, Grandparents…
1. Ballerina And The Game Twister Combined
BrainRants: This one’s a future Russian weightlifter. Or Oompa Loompa
Omawarisan: There’s so much here! Here’s what I’m settling on. This kid has huge hands. Her hands are like white baseball gloves.
Ned: I believe this is the earliest known photo of John Wayne Gacy.
(I hate to say it, but we have more examples of children who are probably in therapy now thanks to photos like this. If you’re missing one from your album, chances are it’s on this week’s Saturday Six at Long Awkward Pause…)
It’s Friday, and that can only mean ONE THING! No, the other thing. The one after being payday. Ok, and the weekend, but before it being the day they show reruns of Family Ties on the Oxygen Channel…
No, I’m not talking about changing the cat box. Or cleaning the lint trap in your dryer…
Fine. I can tell by your blank expressions we have lost all momentum here, so I’ll just tell you Friday is that special day each week when I share my Nickel’s Worth on Writing!
No, that was really it, I promise. In fact, Publisher’s Weekly has called my NWOW “…writing tips worth every nickel, at least in Mexico…” and what The Master of Horror® Stephen King has heralded as “…insights every writer should know. Preferably by the third grade.”
But enough accolades!
As many of you know, I’ve been working on a project collecting the last two years of NWOW posts into an eBook that is part writing tips, part writer’s survival guide. What some of you may not know is that I have the technological IQ of a chimp. Ok, ALL of you knew that — and you’re probably right: I shouldn’t assume all chimpanzees are incapable of creating an eBook. Regardless, the process has reminded me of how important perseverance is as a writer and how, as writers, having a chimpanzee capable of tearing apart a laptop with its bare hands could be really therapeutic. Continue reading Every writer needs perseverance. And maybe a monkey.
[Still looking for that pair of No. 2 red-handled safety scissors required for Mrs. Flunkum’s eighth-grade algebraic lit. class? You’re not alone. As government spending on education has gotten smaller, school supply lists have grown to the size of a Nasa space mission checklist. Never mind that Nasa doesn’t actually go into space anymore. The point is, this week’s Wednesday Rewind doesn’t require a protractor…]
Education Secretary Arnie Duncan promises no child will get left behind when it comes to getting a Pee Chee folder. When I was a kid, our school supply list consisted of a Star Wars notebook and a Pee Chee folder. The notebook helped us organize our assignments; the Pee-Chee folder was used for entertaining ourselves during class by drawing thought balloons for the athletes on the cover.
Football Guy: (Getting tackled) “Oh sure — run the old L-42 play, THAT always works…” Tennis Girl: “If my skirt gets any shorter, I’ll be playing Olympic volleyball…”
You get the idea.
Just about everyone remembers this folder because, like Al Sharpton’s hair gel, it has remained virtually unchanged since 1964. What has changed, however, is the growing list of items parents must provide throughout the school year. This comes in addition to rudimentary things, such as clothing, snacks and a recent urine sample. The reason is simple: The government is tired of wasteful spending, particularly in the educational system, where a special task force has discovered that schools routinely get bilked into spending thousands of dollars on paper alone.
“Hey, Honey? I don’t think the kids’ alarms went off for school!” Now that school is back in session, we have settled into our normal routine here at the Hickson household. This routine is based on a strict time schedule that my wife and I have developed over the years to ensure that, each morning at precisely 7 a.m., all hell breaks loose. This includes — but isn’t limited to — at least one person (or family pet) running through the house in boxer shorts, and my daughter locking the bathroom door for some “quiet time” while heating a Pop-Tart with her hair dryer.
Though we know this pandemonium could be avoided by just getting up a little earlier, the fact is, my wife and I are the only morning people in our family. As anyone in this situation already knows, this is sort of like being the only lambs at a coyote picnic. Continue reading School has started and my kids have become pod people
It’s Saturday! That means I’m with the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause for this week’s Saturday Six, which is a collection of items (…yep, six of them) that are awkward and loosely related. How awkward and loosely related? Let’s just say if the S6 were adoptable children, even Brad and Angelina wouldn’t take them in.
This week’s topic: Painted nails that will make you cuddle your cuticles for comfort…
1. Edward Scissornails
BrainRants: I approve of this because Edward Scissorhands is creepy, and creepy shit is awesome.
Omawarisan: How do you use toilet paper if you’ve got Edward Scissornails?
Jack: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye – because you went to brush your hair out of your face and you have 9 minature scissors on your fingertips.
Ned: Edward Scissorhands or not, it seems to me these nails would make it hard to trim your bush.
(In the mood for a One Direction manicure yet? No? See how you feel after seeing these next examples at Long Awkward Pause…)
Welcome to this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing! This will be the third and final excerpt from my upcoming eBook, which I have cleverly titled: Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing. This will help distinguish it from other books on writing, such as “Bob’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing” or “Bubba’s Nickel’s Worth on Righting.” So as I put the final touches on my manuscript, I’d like to offer this hand-picked excerpt of writing wisdom that Publisher’s Weekly is already calling, “Insightfulness that is a rare combination akin to having a Big Mac and carrot salad…”
In a way, establishing a writing routine is a lot like going to the gym. Except that you don’t get sweaty, never leave a seated position and, unless you write romance or erotica, you probably won’t increase your heart rate much.
But aside from that, it’s just like going to the gym.
When I first started writing in an actual newsroom, my routine consisted of sitting at my desk, staring blankly at the screen and banging on my keys as quickly as possible until it was time to go home, where I would do my actual writing.
Why did I do this?
I was intimidated. On either side of me, journalists were typing feverishly — seemingly non-stop — while I sat waiting for inspiration. My brain was still hardwired for waiting until the kids were asleep before slinking off into the study/laundry room to do my writing, as long as nothing else needed to be done. I was a single parent of two children under the age of 10 at the time, so there was always something else that needed to be done.
Since changing my Facebook image yesterday afternoon, a lot of folks have been asking about the story behind the photo, which is of me getting sucker punched by a wooden lion. For those who know me, it really shouldn’t seem out of the ordinary. Regardless, for those who missed it — or those who just like seeing me get punched by a lion (please, show some decorum) — here’s the true story behind the photo…
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It’s been nearly 40 years since my third-grade teacher, Mrs. Flunkem, wrote the following remark in red ink on my report card:
Unstructured time is a challenge for Ned.
After reading this, my mother looked at me and said, “Since when did filling your unstructured time become a challenge?”
And things haven’t really changed since then. I can honestly say, through sheer luck and determination, I have put myself in a position to have what I’m sure Mrs. Flunkem would consider entirely too much unstructured time. Fortunately for me, my wife disagrees with Mrs. Flunkem and encourages me to make the most of it.
My son really hates it when I call for a price check.
Everyone with teenagers please raise your free hand. And by “free” hand, I mean whichever hand isn’t either guarding your wallet or refrigerator door. For parents without a free hand because you are guarding both, don’t worry; we can see it in your eyes. It’s that blank, pleading stare recognized and shared by all parents with teenagers.
It’s a look that says, If not for over-the-counter medication and America’s Got Talent, I would curl into a fetal position until my kids turn 20.
Part of what makes raising teens so challenging, aside from mood swings that would frighten both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, is the lengths parents will go to avoid doing things their teen views as “totally embarrassing,” such as breathing while in the presence of someone they might know from school. Or making eye contact with them anywhere outside of the home. Or referring to them as “Pookie” or “Scooter” while standing in line with other parents and teens during school registration. (Read more at Long Awkward Pause…)
It’s Saturday, which means it’s time for The Saturday Six, when I and the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause comment on six items that are related and completely awkward — think of six Jimmy Osmonds at an Osmond Family reunion and you’ll have a good idea of what I’m getting at. This week’s subject? Fake celebrity make-overs. Fortunately, there’s no Jimmy Osmond in sight…
1. Between A Rock And A Kitty
Omawarisan: Seeing Rob in his new Mr. Cuddlesworth hat struck fear into, well, no one.
Chris – Can you sssmmmmelllll…what’s on Rock’s head?
Ned: Some men will go to any length to cover their bald spots.
BrainRants: Nope. Not gonna piss off The Rock. Nope.
(Sadly, this first example is the closest we have to an actual celebrity look-alike. In other words, it’s all downhill from here. To keep that awkward momentum going, join me for the rest of The Saturday Six HERE…)
Where the magic happens. Or so I keep telling my editor… In addition to the wild excitement my weekly Nickel’s Worth on Writing usually generates… (See? Did you feel that?) … this week’s NWOW has the added distinction of being [cue pocket drum machine] my 500th post!
WHOA LADIES! Keep those tops ON!
You too, sir.
Since pushing the “publish” button on my first post about two years ago, more than 62,000 people have stopped in at some point — mostly while Google searching “monkey butts” or “Cheeto Clog” — and 5,250 of you decided to stay. I am very thankful for that and a little surprised, especially considering there are no Cheeto-clogged monkey butts anywhere on this blog. I’ve looked. And so has PETA.
Also over that same period, I’ve shared more than 50 weekly acorns of NWOW writing insights gathered through 15 years as a newspaper columnist tending the tree of literary wisdom — all of which I am currently squirreling away into an eBook that Publisher’s Digest has already predicted will be “…writing tips that are nuts.” Continue reading It’s my 500th post but I swear: I don’t feel a day over 499 posts
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