When your quiet morning turns into ‘Top Gun’

imageI’m not much of a flier.

And by “not much of a flier,” I mean whenever there’s the slightest bump on the plane, I start saying the Rosary and sobbing to my wife how much she has meant to me. Once we leave the runway it gets even worse. I’m just one of those people who doesn’t believe man was meant to leave the ground. To be honest, I’m not even sure about trampolines.

So the fact that the air show was in town this weekend completely slipped my mind.

At least until the fly-bys started around 7:45 a.m.

My wife and I are both early risers, so we had just settled in for a quiet morning on the patio. Just us, a lazy stretch of sun, our coffees… and a WWII fighter plane screaming over the house. For the next hour it sounded like we were under attack by a deranged fighter pilot. Possibly “chasing his father’s ghost” in an effort to be better than his old man. In the cockpit, he called upon another ghost — that of his wingman.

“Talk to me Goose.”

Don’t do it, Mav.

I suddenly realized my morning had turned into Top Gun…



Sadly, flatulence no longer has a place at the airport

As if I needed another reason to fear flying, now they can see my flatulence.

As if I needed another reason to fear flying, now they can see my flatulence.

As many of you know, I have a fear of flying. What many of you don’t know is that I also have a fear of being seen naked. Until now, I had the comfort of knowing there was almost no chance of both happening at once, unless I somehow ended up on one of those nude flights, where I would quickly be arrested for refusing to return my tray to its upright position for take-off.

But now, thanks to today’s airport security technology, I no longer have to wait until I’m actually in the air and vomiting into the seat pocket in front of me before experiencing total humiliation. That’s right. I can now get things rolling before I even board the plane by stepping into a special x-ray booth and having an airport security professional see me completely naked. Continue reading