Tag: humor

Tonight I’m attempting poetry for your vote; please be gentle

image For tonight’s third round of Performance of the Year competition at The Public Blogger, each of us remaining eight nominees has been asked to submit a piece in a genre outside of our comfort zone; but something we’d like to become better at. As I learned while wearing a red thong, me doing anything in a genre involving being nearly naked simply makes everyone ELSE uncomfortable. So artisticly expressive nude selfies were definitely out.

At a young age, I was inspired by the amazing imagery of T.S. Elliot. For this reason, I chose poetry. I wasn’t allowed to include humor in it, which meant I had to dig deeply. My first few attempts weren’t that great.

For examle:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Poetry is hard
See what I mean?

At any rate, I submitted my five-stanza poetry piece called “At The River’s Edge” and it will premier tonight at 7 p.m., along with the other talented nominees’ new works in areas outside of their normal genre of creativity. There will be sculpture, videos, music, paintings and song lyrics.

Incidentally, no one chose “humor writing,” by the way.

Just saying… *cough cough* Continue reading Tonight I’m attempting poetry for your vote; please be gentle

Every politician wishes they had this kind of support. And probably Dolly Parton, too.

imageThe final results for round two of voting are in for “Performance of the Year” at The Public Blogger. We aren’t told anything until the announcement shows up on each of our Facebook pages. Usually within 10 minutes after the close of voting. I was at work, drinking coffee at my desk when this showed up on my screen. Unfortunately, I was also using my coffee to wash down a rather large piece of apple fritter when it appeared.

I won’t get into the details, but take my word when I say it IS physically possible for a fritter to move through your entire nasal passage in less than seven seconds.

It’s also why I’ll be asking, “Is it just me or does everything smell like apples?” for a few days.

Once again, I am incredibly humbled and appreciative of all your support in helping me stay at the top for a second week. As most of you know, I don’t normally do awards, and I’m not really interested in competing with anyone other than myself.

And yes, armwrestling gets a little tricky. Continue reading Every politician wishes they had this kind of support. And probably Dolly Parton, too.

Hurry! Vote before Donald Trump finds out!

Don't let my offer of a grilled sirloin influence your vote at all...
Don’t let my offer of a grilled sirloin influence your vote at all…

The second round of voting for Performance of the Year has begun! You may be assuming this has something to do with my accomplishments in the bedroom…

Ok, fine. No one did.

Certainly not my wife.

Regardless, I’m joined by nine other nominees, ranging from poets to Christian hip-hop artists, who are up for the Performance of the Year award at The Public Blogger. Think of it as “The Oscars” meets “American Idol.” Except without all that confetti to clean up afterward.

Last week, in addition to having the honor of becoming a finalist in this talented group of artists, I also emerged in the No. 1 spot after the first round of public voting.

Rest assured an investigation has been launched.

The last time I was No. 1 at anything was when I finished first in the firefighter endurance competition. And by that I mean the first one to leave the event.

This week’s challenge was to submit a post on the theme of “Togetherness,” with each nominee’s submission presented tonight for public vote at The Public Blogger. You can cast your vote between 7 p.m. tonight and 10 a.m. tomorrow morning (Oct.19). Final results — and the next nominee to be eliminated — will be revealed at noon. (Please remember that I am an ugly crier.)

Below you’ll find the link for voting. It will take you to my Facebook page first. Please “Like” the FB link (accounts for 25% of our score) and then follow it to The Public Blogger to vote (70% of our score). As I mentioned last week, even if you don’t vote for me, please DO vote. It’s a terrific group of folks who have become my friends.

But if for some reason all the voting buttons become disabled except for mine, I’m sure they’d want you to vote for me…

Again, my sincere and appreciative THANK YOU to all of you for helping get this far.

Now please… Vote HERE (Look for this image on my FB page)

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I’ll shake hands or kiss something for your vote; or kiss hands and shake something

image Tonight is the second round of elimination for the Performance of the Year award at The Public Blogger, where I’m among 10 nominees remaining after last week’s public vote. Thanks to all of your incredible support at the polls, fueld by word of my terminal health situation which thankfully turned out to be just undigested Trix cereal in my stool, your voting put me at No. 1 heading into this second week of competition — So THANK YOU!

(And General Mills, my lawyer will be in touch about the mental anguish caused by your cereal.)

Anyway, tonight at 7 p.m., the competition will continue with the second round of voting. Below, I have included a list of my fellow nominees — artists, poets, singer/songwriters, photographers and a humorist *wink* — along with samples of their art and links to their work. I have done this so that you to will have an opportunity to experience the nine other talented nominees in order to:

1) Form an unbiased decision for yourselves
2) Go to the polls tonight with confidence
3) Vote for me because of that terrifying health scare Continue reading I’ll shake hands or kiss something for your vote; or kiss hands and shake something

Nose whistling is the heart and soul of any great relationship

image It’s one of life’s little mysteries, the fact that I can fall asleep in front of the television during a documentary chronicling man’s loudest explosions, yet be kept awake by the sound of my own nose whistling. In my defense, this was a new phenomenon, and something that, under any other circumstances, would have been amusing. However, at 1:30 in the morning, having your nose emit a solid C-major every time you exhale is just plain annoying.

What made matters worse was that I wasn’t alone in my musical endeavors. My wife was also blowing her horn — I’m guessing in E-flat — which, between the two of us, sounded like a pair of jug blowers trying to tune up for the spring dance. Instinctively, I grabbed the earplugs from the nightstand and inserted them. As I quickly discovered, this is a little like covering your ears so you can’t hear yourself sing. I then contemplated the idea of inserting the plugs directly into my nostrils, but decided against it for two reasons.

First, I would be forced to breath through my mouth, which would lead to snoring and bruised ribs.

Secondly, should my mouth somehow fall shut during the night, the resulting pressure would create a pair of high-velocity projectiles ricocheting through our bedroom without warning — the mere thought of which would keep me awake. Continue reading Nose whistling is the heart and soul of any great relationship

When it comes to strange packages from Canada, you can’t be too safe

(As part of the second round of competition for The Public Blogger’s Performance of the Year award, we have been asked to submit a piece on “Community” or “Family” to be voted on this Sunday at 7 p.m. I’ll be posting about my firefighting family. We also must post two additional pieces on the Public Blogger’s Facebook page between now and Sunday. In keeping with my theme, I’ve chosen this post inspired by a package sent a while back by my friend Ross Murray. You probably remember when it happened. It was the first time the Terrorist Threat Level was raised to “Keylime.”)
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I was taking no chances; as far as I knew, Canada may have stopped being our ally during my walk home...
I was taking no chances; as far as I knew, Canada may have stopped being our ally during my walk home…

The afternoon started out like any other: leave the office, walk two blocks home, pass through our white picket gate toward the front steps, then holler “EVERYBODY STAY IN THE HOUSE” while dropping into an army crawl. Naturally, no one at home had any interest in coming outside until I yelled for them NOT to — at which point three of our children and both dogs attempted to squeeze through the doorway simultaneously, closely resembling a horde of diarrhea sufferers trying to de-board a subway car for the last working restroom.

“STOP!” I commanded, freezing them all — yes, even the dogs — on the porch, just inches away from a small white package with the word Liquid written in several places in black marker. The name on the return address wasn’t one I immediately recognized. The fact that it was from a foreign country (Canada) made it even more suspicious. Continue reading When it comes to strange packages from Canada, you can’t be too safe

Men: Consequences you can expect from really bad pick-up lines

(Because you can never emphasize enough the importance of avoiding these kinds of ridiculous pick-up lines, especially since my oldest daughter is now out on her own in the dating world, I decided to post this column from a couple of years ago as a public service message. Trust me: It could save lives…)

image I’ve been ridiculously happily married for almost 10 years now, so the singles bar scene is a long-forgotten memory. Or maybe just a deeply repressed one. At least it was until yesterday, when a friend came to town and invited me out for a quick beer. As we began catching up over Dos Eques, we couldn’t help but overhear a series of pick-up lines being exchanged by a group of 20-somethings who — at least in their minds, and thanks to several happy-hour pilsners each — had assembled a list of clever lines no woman could resist. Assuming, of course, the women in question were all desperate to gain U.S. Citizenship.

As a service to single men everywhere, and in particular to that group of 20-somethings once they’ve sobered up, I felt obligated to jot down some of those horrible pick-up lines and explain — through a “trial” and “error” format — what they can expect should the words actually leave their mouths in the general direction of an actual living female, intoxicated or otherwise. Continue reading Men: Consequences you can expect from really bad pick-up lines

Unofficially, I think I made it through — thanks to all of you

image To my surprise, I woke up this morning to find myself poised within one of the top five positions. I know how that sounds, and I promise it has nothing to do with something my wife would rather not talk about and even sooner just forget. I’m referring to the Performance of the Year voting that began last night at The Public Blogger, where I’m one of 11 nominees for this year’s award. I’m the only humorist in a collective that includes artists, poets, photographers, writers and singer/songwriters. I’ve always been a strong believer in the importance of humor, so to be counted among this group of talented artists from around the globe sort of validates something I’ve said all along:

Humorists can make a difference, especially if they have a current food handler’s card.

Though it’s still a couple of hours until voting ends at 10 a.m. (PST), it looks as though I will make it through the first round of elimination, barring a tie and the need for a dance-off. For everyone whose email and Facebook alerts exploded yesterday from all of my posts showcasing the other 10 nominees, I truly thank you for your patience and participation — and especially your support. According to The Public Blogger, this event had the largest opening-day numbers since the site was established three years ago. Given that the traffic I had here yesterday was nearly equal to being Freshly Pressed, I have to believe all of you had something to do with that opening-day success. Plus, I used the tag “boobs” in all of yesterday’s posts (A trick I learned from Chris De Voss over at Long Awkward Pause.) Continue reading Unofficially, I think I made it through — thanks to all of you

The Voting Booth is Now Open — “Performance of the Year” award

image The voting is now open for the first elimination round of “Performance of the Year” at The Public Blogger. It will continue until 10 a.m. tomorrow (PST). Just click on the image (to my right, which would be your left) and it will take you to the voting site, which includes information about the show, the artists and the elimination process. At the very bottom is a Voting Poll, where you can vote for up to three nominees. Even if they all happen to be named “Ned.”

Weird, I know, but it could happen…

If you get a chance to visit my Facebook page, please “LIKE” my link. Yes, I realize how that sounds and, to be honest, I kind of like it.

Anyway, whether you vote, vote for someone else or not at all, the fact that you’re reading this says a lot. About what, I’m not sure. But I appreciate it nonetheless.

Now please… Go Vote!

“Performance of the Year” — The complete list and links to all 11 nominees as voting begins

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In two hours (7 p.m. PST), a special link will go live as the voting begins for 11 nominees vying for the 2015 “Performance of the Year” award at The Public Blogger. This will be the first round of eliminations that will continue until the winner is announced Dec. 30. This mix of nominated artists includes writers, photographers, hip-hop singers, poets and one humorist (for those with a weak heart, I won’t draw out the suspense and just let you know it’s me). Since yesterday, I’ve been featuring the works of my fellow nominees here and on my Facebook page because:

1) Giving as many people as possible the chance to see their terrific work is the right thing to do
2) It’s a real honor to be among this group. Period.
3) If I get voted out, I’m hoping for the “Congeniality Performance” award Continue reading “Performance of the Year” — The complete list and links to all 11 nominees as voting begins