Please join me for #ourweekofpeace (and I don’t mean the kids are gone)

imageIn early July, when Kendall F. Person first invited me to be a part of the annual #ourweekofpeace, I of course said “Yes” for many reasons, not the least of which was because it’s an opportunity to collaborate with other artists — writers, musicians, poets, singers and photographers — in a week-long tribute to peace in our world. Little did I know how, within just a few days of our conversation, the world would seem to come crashing down in Minnesota, Baton Rouge, Dallas and, most recently, France.

Once again, we have a reason to mourn senseless tragedy.

The importance of expressing our thoughts and the need for peace is crucial right now. I’m humbled to join artists from around the world Aug. 1-7, when The Public Blogger presents its annual Our Week of Peace collaborative, coincidentally during a time when we need it most. I hope you’ll join me, along the dozens of other artists, as each of us presents our own perspective on peace through our art. Here’s a snippet of what it’s all about…  Continue reading

I won the sexy contest and, naturally, people are scared

Before reading this, please take a good look at this video…

 

Yep, that’s me. Apparently, this is the new sexy.

Sorry about that.

For those of you who have been following me in the “Who Is the Sexiest Number” competition at The Public Blogger, after 100 men and six rounds of competition, I officially struck a major blow to sexiness everywhere by winning the finals Monday. This morning, the United Nations called an emergency session to discuss the ramifications.

“It’s like making contact with an alien race,” said a U.N. spokesman. “We are now faced with questioning everything we thought we knew about ourselves and our universe as humans.”

In Rome, Pope Francis met with cardinals from around the globe as thousands of panicked worshippers gathered at Vatican Square in silent prayer. “Do not be fearful,” the Pontiff assured the masses. “God has not abandoned us.”  Continue reading

A quick update on my sexiness

 

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Thinking Ned is sexy may be bad for your health.

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Thinking Ned is sexy may be bad for your health.

This status update on my sexiness will be quick because, let’s be honest, it’s me we’re talking about. Those of you who have been following my inclusion in the “Who is the Sexiest Number” competition at The Public Blogger will be happy to know I’ve made the final three.

Ok, maybe “shocked” is a better word.

Either way, as we head into next week’s final round (June 5 & 6), it’s down to Thomas Lemke of Oklahoma, Keyur Panchal of India, and me: a slightly older humorist (give or take 20 years). I’m currently ranked No. 1, mostly due to my seductive bacon poetry, which was dripping with… uh… sexiness?

For the final round, we are required to make a short video explaining what quality we’d like others to perceive as “sexy” about us.

So as you can see, I have my work cut out for me.  Continue reading

I promise this is the last time I’m going to be ‘sexy’

 

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Being chosen among 100 men to participate in The Public Blogger’s “Who Is the Sexiest Number” competition was hard enough for me to understand. The fact that it has come down to Thomas Lemke and myself during tonight’s finals round is even harder to fathom.

Not the Thomas part.

He’s definitely sexy.

In fact, if I wasn’t a ridiculously happily married heterosexual, I’d be all over that guy.

But me? A humorist nearing 50 who has already traumatized most of his readership after wearing a red thong? Then again, considering what is happening with this year’s presidential elections, it just goes to show anything can happen.  Continue reading

This time, it’s going to take more than bacon for me to be sexy

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As I mentioned last week, due to what I’m assuming was either an egregious counting error or possibly something alcohol related, I somehow ended up in the final six “Sexiest Men” in the Public Blogger’s online Neighborhood. In the last round, we were required to write a piece of sexy poetry, which I did by drawing from my deep passion and desire for soft, glistening curves of my mistress…

Bacon.

Clearly, I’m not the only one who feels this way because I’m coming into this round in first place.

After tonight, only four of us will remain when voting ends tomorrow morning at 6 a.m. PST  (and by that, I don’t necessarily mean I’ll be eliminated by a heart attack.) This round’s theme is “Smile,” with each of us submitting something — art, photography, music or humor *cough cough* — to vote on as each of us tries in our own way to “bring sexy back.” As you can imagine, I’m already behind because I actually have to FIND my sexy first. In the meantime, if you’d like to cast a vote — for me or any of these terrific men — you can follow the link, which I have cleverly labeled as “Vote Here.”

No matter who you vote for, or whether you vote at all, I already feel like a winner just knowing that I have bacon at home.

 

Apparently, I’m not the only one who finds bacon sexy

image As I mentioned last Sunday, I have somehow ended up among a group of men ranked as “The Sexiest” on The Public Blogger’s international stage of artists known and The Neighborhood.

I know what you’re thinking: There goes The Neighborhood.

But the fact that I’ve reached the top six out of 100 men just goes to show that Trump’s campaign may not be the strangest thing we’ve seen this year. For example, with two rounds remaining, I am somehow ranked 1st after Sunday’s round of competition: “Sexy Poetry.” I’d like to say it’s because of my command of love language and ability to create sexually charged imagery that makes the heart beat faster; I’d like to say it’s because my machismo transcends the written word and internal passion that each of us carries, just waiting to be ignited; I’d like to say something really sexy right now but as you can see it’s not working.  Continue reading

Poetic justice could mean a jail sentence for my poetry

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Me.

Sexy.

Poetry.

Those are three words I never expected to be associated with. Especially that second one, which I’m still scratching my head about. But tonight, I’ll be joining seven other men for Round 2 of the “Who Is the Sexiest Number?” at The Public Blogger.

The objective is to write your sexiest poetry.

That’s right: Me, a humor columnist, bringing on “the sexy” against young rappers and artists. Let’s be honest, bringing “the sexy” is hard enough by myself. Believe me, I know.

Wait… not that I know what it’s like being sexy by myself. I just meant when I’m by myself it’s already hard… I mean tough! It’s tough writing poetry!

*sigh*

This could be really ugly.
Continue reading

I’m not exactly sure when “sexy” happened

imageI’ve seen a lot of strange things on Facebook;

Cats doing chin-ups.

A naked guy playing flaming bagpipes while riding a unicycle.

Kanye West.

But a few days ago, as I was scrolling through my Facebook notifications, I was tagged in a post with 35 others who had been listed as “The Neighborhood’s Sexiest Men.” I stared at it for a moment then, naturally, decided to restart my iPad.

Something was clearly wrong, like that time Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” started playing on my laptop and wouldn’t stop until the battery ran out.

I wasn’t about to re-live that nightmare again.

That’s when my wife came in and pointed to the same link, which she shared to her Facebook page with the comment, “Yep. That’s my HUSBAND!”  Continue reading

It’s time for change in politics (unless you’re wearing a diaper)

image As I mentioned Friday, as a candidate representing the new Dempublican Party, I am running for President of the United States.

Tonight.

No, you didn’t pull a VanWinkle and sleep through the last year while watching reruns of The Kardashians. My campaign is part of this week’s challenge to win “Performer of the Year” in The Public Blogger’s A Star is Born competition. Think of it as The Oscars of the blogging world meets The Apprentice, then gets dropped into Hell’s Kitchen — except hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

Unbeknownst (I can mark that word off my bucket list now) to us, the competition actually began months ago with 700 bloggers from around the world, all of whom were judged by an “Inner Circle” of panelists based on our individual artistic merits.

Yes, I see your mouth has dropped open much like mine, but I assure you my inclusion as the only humorist to reach the final 12 wasn’t a mistake. And if it was, it’s too late now. I already bought stationary and I’m not taking it back.  Continue reading

Voting has opened; time to get “RAW”

imageHey everyone! Voting in this week’s round in the “Performer of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger has begun!

After six weeks of voting — and an unfortunate outbreak of salmonella — the field has been reduced from 12 nominees to five heading into tonight’s round.

This week’s challenge, titled “RAW,” was possibly the toughest yet, with each of us given just 24 hours to complete our presentation — which was to answer the following two questions:

1) What is your contribution as an artist?
2) Have you ever had sex while dressed as a Star Wars character?

OK, not really. Ha! Ha! I made the first question up. Continue reading