Teaming up with my wife today (just like at night) has its perks

image As I mentioned in this morning’s post, for those of you following my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” in the the A Star is Born competition at The Public Blogger, this week’s round is a doubleheader in which I had the privilege of teaming up with my lovely wife.

For me, nothing as as good as when I can share it with her. Things are always better that way. And I’ll just leave it at that.

So, as much fun as it has been participating in this competition, having the chance to share the experience with her this week has been the best so far. The challenge for this round, which will determine the Final Two as we head into the last round next week, is called “Imitation of Life.” The objective being to demonstrate through words and a video, whether your art is an imitation of your life or a representation of it. For the first part of today’s challenge, my wife’s task was to offer an inside look to reveal “the truth” about who I am.

And without using any of that footage of me in a red thong.  Continue reading

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Today, I’m at my wife’s mercy… and that’s OK with me

image As many of you know, I’ve spent the last seven weeks competing for “Perfomer of the year” at The Public Blogger.

As many of you also know, I’m crazy in love with my wife.

Today, the two come together.

That’s because my wife, along with family members of fellow nominees Rebecca Lemke and Oscar Alejandro Plascencia, were asked to submit their own video presentations as part of Round VIII: Imitation of Life.

I have no idea what my wife will be submitting on my behalf. All I know is that she does NOT have access to any of my red thong footage. I also know that I love and trust her implicitly. And that, as far as I can remember, she’s not mad at me about anything. Continue reading

In case you missed it, I was elected President last night. Sort of…

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If you follow me on Facebook along with 20,000 other….

Hold on a second. Sorry, the cat walked across the keyboard.

I mean, 200 other people, then you probably already know our “Dempublican Campaign” submission won this week’s round in the “Performance of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger — Ranking me back at No. 1 as we head into Round 8 this Sunday.

However, if you don’t follow me on Facebook along with 200,000,000 others (no cat this time), then you probably haven’t slept all night because you’ve been writhing with anticipation! If there’s any other kind of writhing involved from last night, please keep it to yourself.  Continue reading

It’s time for change in politics (unless you’re wearing a diaper)

image As I mentioned Friday, as a candidate representing the new Dempublican Party, I am running for President of the United States.

Tonight.

No, you didn’t pull a VanWinkle and sleep through the last year while watching reruns of The Kardashians. My campaign is part of this week’s challenge to win “Performer of the Year” in The Public Blogger’s A Star is Born competition. Think of it as The Oscars of the blogging world meets The Apprentice, then gets dropped into Hell’s Kitchen — except hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

Unbeknownst (I can mark that word off my bucket list now) to us, the competition actually began months ago with 700 bloggers from around the world, all of whom were judged by an “Inner Circle” of panelists based on our individual artistic merits.

Yes, I see your mouth has dropped open much like mine, but I assure you my inclusion as the only humorist to reach the final 12 wasn’t a mistake. And if it was, it’s too late now. I already bought stationary and I’m not taking it back.  Continue reading

Yes, you heard it right; I’m running for President (this week)

image If you’ve been following me in my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” in the A Star is Born competition at The Public Blogger, then you know I’ve made the Final Four!

*sound of old dog stretching*

If you haven’t been following because you’ve had more important things to do, such as flipping your couch cushions and wiping down the power chords, I understand.

Shame on you.

But I still understand.

To bring you up to speed, we are now in week 49… ok, it’s actually week 7, but it feels like 49. Or at least I feel like 49. Probably because I am. Which I usually don’t. But my back has been bothering me lately and I think I have a growth near my… oh wait, I think that’s actually supposed to be there.

Whew! Feeling better already!  Continue reading

Voting has opened; time to get “RAW”

imageHey everyone! Voting in this week’s round in the “Performer of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger has begun!

After six weeks of voting — and an unfortunate outbreak of salmonella — the field has been reduced from 12 nominees to five heading into tonight’s round.

This week’s challenge, titled “RAW,” was possibly the toughest yet, with each of us given just 24 hours to complete our presentation — which was to answer the following two questions:

1) What is your contribution as an artist?
2) Have you ever had sex while dressed as a Star Wars character?

OK, not really. Ha! Ha! I made the first question up. Continue reading

Tonight’s performance will be raw — and not that funny

Tonight, things get serious.

Tonight, things get a little serious.

For those of you following and supporting my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” in the A Star is Born competition at The Public Blogger, the theme for tonight’s round is “RAW.” Fortunately, since this isn’t Hell’s Kitchen, there won’t be Chef Ramsey yelling at everyone about their uncooked chicken or lamb. What it does mean is that, unlike past weeks in this competition, we were given just 24 hours to respond to two questions:

What is your contribution?

And

Where will it find its home? 

The point of this round, and why we were given such a short time to put our submission together, was so that it would be as unrehearsed, real, live and “raw” as possible. For my piece, I decided to strip away as much as possible (Don’t worry! There’s no nudity!) by answering those two questions as spontaneously and unrehearsed as possible. To do that, I avoided the written word, which allows me time to think things through. I simply set myself up in front of a camera and answered the questions uncut and unrehearsed. No fancy images. No music or flashy segues — just me, answering in one take.

No second chances.  Continue reading

Roses are red, violets are blue… I’m ready to vote. How about you?

image For those of you following my pursuit of Performance of the Year, voting for round three has opened! This week, each of us has been asked to submit something out of our genre and comfort zone. I chose poetry, which is well beyond my comfort zone and borders on The Twilight Zone. Especially since I was not allowed to use any humor in writing an introstpective piece called “At The River’s Edge.”

My goal was to create something visual, relatable and rhythmic that was perfectly measured — 5-word stanzas, 5 stanzas, all adding up to an equal number (including the title and byline) which is 100. I also wanted it to be a journey, to a place and back again, finishing where it started but with a new perspective — like T.S. Elliot’s famous quote about exploring, and returning the beginning only to rediscover it.

The result of my poetic endeavor, as well as the other seven talented nominees’submmissions, are on this week’s episode of “A Star Is Born.” Last week, in addition to having the honor of becoming a finalist in this talented group of artists, I also remained in the No. 1 spot for the second straight week. Thank You ALL so much for that. This week, in addition to public voting, the competition will also include three judges whose decision also weighs in on who stays and who goes — so your votes are especially important now.

You can cast your vote between now and 10 a.m. tomorrow morning (Oct. 26). Final results — and the next nominee to be eliminated — will be revealed at noon.

Below you’ll find the link for voting. It will take you to my Facebook page first. Please “Like” the FB link (accounts for 25% of our score) and then follow it to The Public Blogger to vote (70% of our score). As I mentioned last week, even if you don’t vote for me, please DO vote. It’s a terrific group of folks who have become my friends.

And they’ll still be my friends even if I get voted out. Assuming they’ll answer my calls.

Again, my sincere and appreciative THANK YOU to all of you for helping get this far.

Now please… Vote HERE (Look for this image on my FB page)

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I’ll shake hands or kiss something for your vote; or kiss hands and shake something

image Tonight is the second round of elimination for the Performance of the Year award at The Public Blogger, where I’m among 10 nominees remaining after last week’s public vote. Thanks to all of your incredible support at the polls, fueld by word of my terminal health situation which thankfully turned out to be just undigested Trix cereal in my stool, your voting put me at No. 1 heading into this second week of competition — So THANK YOU!

(And General Mills, my lawyer will be in touch about the mental anguish caused by your cereal.)

Anyway, tonight at 7 p.m., the competition will continue with the second round of voting. Below, I have included a list of my fellow nominees — artists, poets, singer/songwriters, photographers and a humorist *wink* — along with samples of their art and links to their work. I have done this so that you to will have an opportunity to experience the nine other talented nominees in order to:

1) Form an unbiased decision for yourselves
2) Go to the polls tonight with confidence
3) Vote for me because of that terrifying health scare Continue reading

When it comes to strange packages from Canada, you can’t be too safe

(As part of the second round of competition for The Public Blogger’s Performance of the Year award, we have been asked to submit a piece on “Community” or “Family” to be voted on this Sunday at 7 p.m. I’ll be posting about my firefighting family. We also must post two additional pieces on the Public Blogger’s Facebook page between now and Sunday. In keeping with my theme, I’ve chosen this post inspired by a package sent a while back by my friend Ross Murray. You probably remember when it happened. It was the first time the Terrorist Threat Level was raised to “Keylime.”)
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I was taking no chances; as far as I knew, Canada may have stopped being our ally during my walk home...

I was taking no chances; as far as I knew, Canada may have stopped being our ally during my walk home…

The afternoon started out like any other: leave the office, walk two blocks home, pass through our white picket gate toward the front steps, then holler “EVERYBODY STAY IN THE HOUSE” while dropping into an army crawl. Naturally, no one at home had any interest in coming outside until I yelled for them NOT to — at which point three of our children and both dogs attempted to squeeze through the doorway simultaneously, closely resembling a horde of diarrhea sufferers trying to de-board a subway car for the last working restroom.

“STOP!” I commanded, freezing them all — yes, even the dogs — on the porch, just inches away from a small white package with the word Liquid written in several places in black marker. The name on the return address wasn’t one I immediately recognized. The fact that it was from a foreign country (Canada) made it even more suspicious. Continue reading