Subtle signs the Ebola virus is spreading

As a journalist, I’m trained to recognize even the most subtle signs of trouble:

A reluctant glance.
A misspoken word.
A filtration mask in my McDonald’s food sack.

Do they still hand these out after 10:30 a.m.?
Do they still hand these out after 10:30 a.m.?

Aside from the mask being rendered useless by grease after being wedged between my Sausage McMuffin and hash brown, it also made me wonder if the American public isn’t being told the truth about the potential threat of Ebola spreading outside of Texas. Possibly even into parts of Canada. But not Mexico, where the drinking water has made residents immune to everything but tequila worms. Because of this, I have boarded a plane for Dallas to provide a special report tomorrow at Long Awkward Pause — which provided me with this Ebola detection system:

I was told it's like the "canary-in-a-cole mine" approach, except canaries won't get mad and bite your face.
I was told it’s like the “canary-in-a-coal mine” approach, except canaries won’t get mad and bite your face.

If I come up missing before tomorrow’s report, start with the monkey…

Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.

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I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

80 thoughts on “Subtle signs the Ebola virus is spreading”

  1. Good luck, sir. (Please avoid the movie Contagion on your flight)

    And please don’t worry about Canada…we’ve been laying down an extra thick layer of maple syrup along the border that should catch most errant viruses…think of it as a Sappy No Pest Strip (not unlike the electric fencing used by exotic dancers).

    Reply

      1. Don’t eat the stuff myself. You (may) be joking, always hard to tell in print. However, no-one in the US will take a blood donation from me because I lived in the UK during the whole ‘mad cow’ travesty.

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  9. I wrote about the handles on urinals in an amusement park. Think that we pull the lever and then wash our hands. Next person pulls the same lever to flush the urinal and then washes his hands. Or he does not and the Ebola carrier has passed it on. I think we should piss in the saucers on the teacup ride. Safer?

    Reply

  15. Did anyone but me think about taking the temperatures of those flying into the Sates BEFORE they boarded the plane?…Next candidate for infection…Pilots and Flight Attendants, not to mention the African monkeys that are stowing away in the luggage hole.
    Thanks for volunteering. I look forward to saying “doesn’t he look great” while you lie in your coffin.

    Reply

  20. Luckily, here in Japan I think we are likely immune, the affects of Fukushima to thank for that. Still, masks are popular here so maybe the radiation hasn’t kill all the germs, in fact it may have created some…come to think of it.

    Use a mask and maybe gloves in Dallas, ebola aside, the football teams stinks so it may have something there.

    Reply

    1. Oh no…seasoned and cooked carefully, beaks can often be the highlight of the drunken TV football watchin’ husband and his friends…just don’t offer floss when they’re done…

      Reply
  23. Pingback: SPECIAL REPORT: Ebola virus may spread faster than Brad-Angelina sex tape | Long Awkward Pause
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