Santa Summit prompts Greenland ‘No-Fly Zone’

Santa's Christmas Eve will go a little quicker now that he can skip Greenland.

Santa’s Christmas Eve will go a little quicker now that he can skip Greenland.

What makes email great is that it’s so darned easy to use. For example: If you come across something that absolutely HAS TO BE SEEN by everyone you know — like say a picture of a cat doing chin-ups — you can simply click a button and send it to 100 people. Or in the case of my favorite aunt who still hasn’t mastered this process, you can send that very same knee-slapping picture to one person — such as your favorite nephew — 100 times.

The reason I bring this up is because, if not for email, I sincerely doubt someone from Midland, Mich., would’ve gone to the trouble of sending me a photo of 176 Santas standing on the deck of a fishing boat off the coast of Greenland (And YES, this is primarily the kind of email I get.)

I should mention that we were one of 50 newspapers that received the photo, which was part of an announcement letting people know that classes at the Charles W. Howard Santa Claus School had come to an end. Continue reading

Have anger issues? Don’t beat yourself up over it

If hurling your computer to Earth while skydiving brings you inner peace, you might be an IED sufferer.

If hurling your computer to Earth while skydiving brings you inner peace, you might be an IED sufferer.

Hello and welcome to a special edition of our in-depth medical feature Health Yak, which has been recognized by the U.S. Surgeon General as “extremely topical,” meaning that you should not attempt to ingest any portion of this column without first consulting your doctor.

Today we will be discussing a study that suggests as many as 16 million Americans — or roughly the number of people who never receive their appetizers during an average season of Hell’s Kitchen — suffer from periodic outbursts of anger.

I know what you’re thinking: What makes this different from a typical outburst of anger, like when I open the air vent in my car and release a cloud of spores the size of shiitake mushrooms?

The answer, of course, is that there is no difference, at least not until someone funds a clinical study, at which point it becomes an official “disorder” treatable by a new drug with minor side effects, such as having your liver grow to the size of Shaquille O’Neal’s seat cushion. Continue reading

Men, help your wives avoid jail by returning that stupid gift you got them before it’s too late

The wives of men who trusted their gift-giving instincts.

The wives of men who trusted their gift-giving instincts.

Many years ago, I bought my ex-wife an Epilady shaver for Christmas. Because it was a sleek, modern, electrical device costing more than $50, there was no reason to suspect it would feel like someone had just ripped the hair out of her legs using Super Glue and a roll of duct tape. While I’m sure I’d gotten her gifts she didn’t really like, she’d accepted them. But in this case, as she chased me through the house completely naked and swiping at my scalp with her new Epilady, two things came to mind:

1) She really hates this gift,

and

2) I shouldn’t have gotten her the cordless model.

Now, before I get an angry letter from Park Products, Inc., I should clarify that this was a long time ago, and I’m sure the latest model is a vast improvement over the one she hurled through our bathroom window. Continue reading

Sadly, flatulence no longer has a place at the airport

As if I needed another reason to fear flying, now they can see my flatulence.

As if I needed another reason to fear flying, now they can see my flatulence.

As many of you know, I have a fear of flying. What many of you don’t know is that I also have a fear of being seen naked. Until now, I had the comfort of knowing there was almost no chance of both happening at once, unless I somehow ended up on one of those nude flights, where I would quickly be arrested for refusing to return my tray to its upright position for take-off.

But now, thanks to today’s airport security technology, I no longer have to wait until I’m actually in the air and vomiting into the seat pocket in front of me before experiencing total humiliation. That’s right. I can now get things rolling before I even board the plane by stepping into a special x-ray booth and having an airport security professional see me completely naked. Continue reading

Men, our dreams of being ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ can continue in North Korea

Kim Jong Eun has banned Channing Tatum from North Korea, which is fine with me.

Kim Jong Eun has banned Channing Tatum from North Korea, which is fine with me.

Admittedly, I had begun to give up my dream of being named “Sexiest Man Alive” by anyone other than my incredibly supportive, beautiful and nearsighted wife.

But when George Clooney got the title a second time in 2006, I was inspired to continue my quest. Sure, the fact that he is ruggedly handsome, square-jawed and extremely fit were factors to consider — assuming you’re into those kinds of things — but he has a much more important quality, which is that he’s actually WAY older than me.

By a good five years.

Which is almost a decade, really.

So, given our conclusion that George Clooney is practically a Centenarian, I was feeling pretty good about my chances. Continue reading