Month: January 2013

Setting things straight with the American Chiropractic Association

Please forget my advice on improving your posture.
Please forget my advice on improving your posture.
We all make mistakes. The difference is, when you make one, you probably don’t get contacted by someone from the American Chiropractic Association in Arlington, Virginia.

Or maybe you do.

In which case you may want to consider folding up this newspaper right now and going in for an adjustment.

But, unless you mistakenly informed readers that last month was “National Correct Posture Month” when, in fact, we’re all free to slouch until May, I’m guessing you’ve never gotten an e-mail from Angela Kargus, Communications and Public Relations Manager for the ACA.

There are two things I know about Angela:

1) She is very nice.
2) She probably has excellent posture.

I also know she read my column a couple of weeks ago. As Angela pointed out, it proclaimed “National Correct Posture Month” in the wrong month, and provided recommendations on how to avoid slouching that Angela informed me were “outdated.” Continue reading Setting things straight with the American Chiropractic Association

Without question, I put the ‘A’ in ‘Jockstrap’

Even keeping my eye on the ball wouldn't help much.
Even keeping my eye on the ball wouldn’t help much.
Yesterday, I had my first baseball practice in 30 years. It was with a group of guys with names like Chico, Blaze, Rip, and Easton — guys who even sound like baseball players.

My name is Ned, which is why this morning I am so sore my nostrils are the only part of my body capable of responding — albeit only to simple verbal commands such “Flare” and “Sniff.”

For this reason, I’d like to apologize in advance for any typos you may find in this column. Please keep in mind it was typed using only my nostrils, and a dried lima bean that was strategically dropped onto the appropriate keys through a combination of sniffing and flaring. Continue reading Without question, I put the ‘A’ in ‘Jockstrap’

Surgery is safer when patients come with instructions

Doctors appreciate when you are helpful, especially if you can lend a hand with your own surgery.
A recent study conducted by the healthcare industry shows an alarming trend in America’s operating rooms. According to the study, reports of “wrong-site surgery” are on the rise.
To clarify, “wrong-site surgery” occurs when a doctor operates on, say…

Your brain.

When he was supposed to operate on, say…

Your big toe.

Or someone else.

Or even someone else’s big toe.

That’s right; in a few cases, doctors have even operated on the wrong patient. However, the report strongly emphasizes that THIS IS VERY RARE, and only occurred when doctors didn’t have the right patient to begin with: Continue reading Surgery is safer when patients come with instructions

Self-aware leftovers: The forgotten victims of divorce

[A quick note about this post: Over the years, my wife has mentioned that this column — which I wrote after my divorce 10 years ago — is one of her favorites. It’s also the first column of mine that she read. And yet, she still went out with me…]

_DSC0009 copy There’s nothing funny about divorce. At least, not until you have time to gain some perspective and accept the fact that staying up until 2 a.m. reconfiguring the salt and pepper shakers on your dining room table is just part of the healing process.

Like vacuuming the kitchen tile and mopping the living room carpet.

Or getting excited over having extra closet space while at the same time avoiding that space as much as possible.

After a few months, I suddenly turned around and realized I had moved forward. As strange as it sounds, I think it started the day I threw away the last of the leftovers from when my ex-wife and I were still together.

Granted, they had been in there for quite a while already. Possibly even as far back as Cinco de Mayo, though I couldn’t be sure since the contents appeared to be a member of an unidentified fifth food group. Continue reading Self-aware leftovers: The forgotten victims of divorce

I wish I was this broke

Lack of fundsI’m checking with my bank to see if I can get a loan to advertise my financial disparity. I’ll use smaller words though, because it seems clear that intelligence is not part of this equation.

Be careful when picking a topic — especially if it’s your nose

Building a connection with readers has its drawbacks.
Building a connection with readers has its drawbacks.
From time to time, a column strikes a collective nerve with readers. These readers then respond — in many cases — by calling me collect. After my column “Study reveals male pattern baldness doesn’t include ears”, it’s obvious that excessive ear and nose hair has been on a lot of people’s chests.

And by that I mean in terms of subject matter, not actual hairs falling from men’s ears and noses during the course of conversation, eating or… whatever.

It seems I have become the “go-to” guy when it comes to ear and nose hair confessions. The subject is generally brought up by wives, such as while standing in line at A&W and ordering a chili cheese dog for their husbands. One minute they’re talking about the origin of the Coney dog, the next I’m being told what it’s like trying to carry on a conversation with a spouse who doesn’t seem to notice he has hardened Cheez Whiz in his nostril hair. Continue reading Be careful when picking a topic — especially if it’s your nose

Why radio is dying…

Eclipse on radio copy Because there’s nothing quite as exciting as listening to the vacuum of space.

Except for maybe lint falling…