The mystery of The Box continues. (Just take my word for it)

"Skippy" the wild, blindfolded squirrel in his natural habitat. At least on Tuesday mornings...
“Skippy” the wild, blindfolded squirrel in his natural habitat. At least on Tuesday mornings…
Every Tuesday here at Siuslaw News, I re-enact the climactic scene from Clash of the Titans when, without warning, I suddenly holler: “RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!” And although “Skippy” the wild, blindfolded squirrel is no Kraken, he is just as terrifying to anyone trapped in our newsroom at the time of his release. Not only because I believe he is partially rabid, but also because it means it’s time for The Box: That mysterious collection of unidentified photographs that have remained unclaimed in our newsroom since the 1980s.

Each week, I randomly select a photo by dumping The Box of photographs onto the floor of our newsroom and then releasing “Skippy.” The photo closest to the person who screams first is chosen. Since our debut of The Box four weeks ago, we’ve lost three high school interns and a guy restocking the vending machine. This morning, no one quit or left the building screaming, which tells me I am slowly losing the element of surprise. So this morning I had to settle for the photo “Skippy” decided to chew on while defecating on the chair of a fellow reporter who will begin screaming shortly after she arrives.

As you might expect, on the heels of last week’s controversial photo documenting the first-ever Jesus photo bomb, The Box is gaining national attention as well as scrutiny from The Vatican, which is sending an investigative team to verify the photo’s authenticity. Currently, they are in Iowa investigating claims that security tape shows Moses walking out of an iMac store with some tablets.

In the meantime, let’s get to this week’s photo! Once again, I have utilized my years of investigative journalism experience to track down the origin of the following image in question. I can tell you it is not what it seems. Unless it seems to make absolutely no sense…

They say a photo is worth a thousand words. "They" haven't seen this one.
They say a photo is worth a thousand words. “They” haven’t seen this one.

As always, my first task was to establish a timeline. I did this by estimating the circumference of the tree in the upper left corner, then finding an actual tree that size and chopping it down. By counting the rings, and with the help of a passing forest ranger, I was able to determine, with absolute certainty, that I would be paying a hefty fine for chopping down a tree in the national forest. However, by utilizing a complicated formula of subtracting one year for each ring I counted, I was able to verify that the photo was taken in 1901. For obvious reasons, given the style of clothing the subject is wearing, and the fact the photo is in color decades before color photography would become available, there was only one logical conclusion:

The image was that of an alien, taken with advanced alien technology β€” probably documenting Earth samples collected from our national forest in 1901.

The most conclusive evidence can be seen at the bottom of this photo, where the alien is giving his own version of the Vulcan “Live Long and Prosper” sign before collecting his sample…

"You are, and forever shall be, my sapling."
“You are, and forever shall be, my sapling.”

I’m not sure how the Vatican guys are going to react to this…

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

47 thoughts on “The mystery of The Box continues. (Just take my word for it)”

  1. ‘i went to the redwoods and all i got was this lousy shrub!’ ad campaign that was scrubbed and judging by the condition of the photo they tried to destroy all evidence of this aborted attempt at their wonders of the world promo.

      1. perfect. in my able pr hands, you will be the next miley cyrus. have your skin-colored vinyl outfit, pet sloth, and posse standing by, at the ready.

              1. oh, is that what was going on, i saw a crowd and an upset sloth around you and it appeared you were having some sort of medical emergency? i called 911 instead.

  2. Dammit, we’re so busted. Yes, Ned, I won’t lie out of respect for your investigative reporting skills. That’s a picture of an alien. We use human disguises sometimes and then take pictures of ourselves (I know, it doesn’t make any sense, but the same could be said for Facebook…no species is without its oddities)…

No one is watching, I swear...

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