Each week, I randomly select a photo by dumping The Box of photographs onto the floor of our newsroom and then releasing “Skippy.” The photo closest to the person who screams first is chosen. Since our debut of The Box four weeks ago, we’ve lost three high school interns and a guy restocking the vending machine. This morning, no one quit or left the building screaming, which tells me I am slowly losing the element of surprise. So this morning I had to settle for the photo “Skippy” decided to chew on while defecating on the chair of a fellow reporter who will begin screaming shortly after she arrives.
As you might expect, on the heels of last week’s controversial photo documenting the first-ever Jesus photo bomb, The Box is gaining national attention as well as scrutiny from The Vatican, which is sending an investigative team to verify the photo’s authenticity. Currently, they are in Iowa investigating claims that security tape shows Moses walking out of an iMac store with some tablets.
In the meantime, let’s get to this week’s photo! Once again, I have utilized my years of investigative journalism experience to track down the origin of the following image in question. I can tell you it is not what it seems. Unless it seems to make absolutely no sense…
As always, my first task was to establish a timeline. I did this by estimating the circumference of the tree in the upper left corner, then finding an actual tree that size and chopping it down. By counting the rings, and with the help of a passing forest ranger, I was able to determine, with absolute certainty, that I would be paying a hefty fine for chopping down a tree in the national forest. However, by utilizing a complicated formula of subtracting one year for each ring I counted, I was able to verify that the photo was taken in 1901. For obvious reasons, given the style of clothing the subject is wearing, and the fact the photo is in color decades before color photography would become available, there was only one logical conclusion:
The image was that of an alien, taken with advanced alien technology — probably documenting Earth samples collected from our national forest in 1901.
The most conclusive evidence can be seen at the bottom of this photo, where the alien is giving his own version of the Vulcan “Live Long and Prosper” sign before collecting his sample…
I’m not sure how the Vatican guys are going to react to this…
Ned's Blog 
Clever deduction! I concur, of course.
I’m nothing if not thorough. Or at least thoroughly confused.
“Dude, quit fondling my fir.”
Don’t think the “Tree-hugger-turned-tree-molester” living in the woods” didn’t cross my mind…
Your caption for the last photo=priceless!
Haha! Thanks, Betsy! I wasn’t sure how many people would get the reference, but it made me laugh so I put it in anyway. Thanks for sharing the laugh 😉
It’s Anthony Weiner’s cousing, Wally Weiner.
That would explain the … uh, hat.
The jimmy hat?
I was thinking more along the lines of how his hat makes him look a circumcision.
LOL — that too.
Reblogged this on http://www.newsafrica.co.uk.
It’s a miracle! First step toward sainthood…
I appreciate that but I’m not really the type.
Oh, wait… you didn’t mean me.
That’s awkward…
I think the guy is trying to say “I’ve had it up to here with those cheap Christmas trees!”.
Haha! I was thinking, “Look ma! I’m finally taller than this tree!”
He’s modeling the earthy tones of that awesome outfit. Look at the vest. Aliens got some taste.
Very true. If there is an Alienpostale, he is a model. I think the mud boots are a nice touch. And the way the hat hides his antennae and pointed ears…
Oh, it’s brilliant. I’m almost grossed out when I think about all the slimy tentacles that are probably hiding in those baggy jeans.
I read the operative in that sentence wrong at first, which made it REALLY gross. Glad I read it twice…
Eeeew. But, I mean, you never know with those woodsmen aliens…
Exactly. And hopefully we never will.
Some things should remain a mystery.
OMG. My first alien experience. 😉
Well… that you know of 😉
😉
…the area between the said left hand…and the right…COULD BE the size of the said staff….
…jus sayn…
Like any man — alien or otherwise — I’m sure that’s what he’s saying.
well….alien speaking…IF that IS the size of his staff….
like ET….im phoning home tonite…
I suppose there’s no point in telling you to “Beee Goooood.”
Nope.
That being said, should that staff glow when it, well…
and you hear…”ouuuuch”…
‘i went to the redwoods and all i got was this lousy shrub!’ ad campaign that was scrubbed and judging by the condition of the photo they tried to destroy all evidence of this aborted attempt at their wonders of the world promo.
I will be contacting you regarding a position heading up my marketing campaign.
perfect. in my able pr hands, you will be the next miley cyrus. have your skin-colored vinyl outfit, pet sloth, and posse standing by, at the ready.
I’m there. Where are YOU?! I’m getting funny looks…
sorry, how could i have missed you on that corner?
I honestly don’t know. Maybe you instinctively averted my Twerking. You did say to Twerk, right?
oh, is that what was going on, i saw a crowd and an upset sloth around you and it appeared you were having some sort of medical emergency? i called 911 instead.
Yeah… But You’r still going to be my marketing/PR person right? I mean, it DID draw a crowd…
oh by all means, i am fully on board. you know the mantra, ‘there is no such thing as bad publicity.’
That’s a squirrel??? Are you sure it’s not a muskrat? Kinda big for a squirrel … 🙂
Maybe he ate Muskrat Susy and Muskrat Sam?
Ha! 🙂
Dammit, we’re so busted. Yes, Ned, I won’t lie out of respect for your investigative reporting skills. That’s a picture of an alien. We use human disguises sometimes and then take pictures of ourselves (I know, it doesn’t make any sense, but the same could be said for Facebook…no species is without its oddities)…
You’re secret is safe with me. And I’ve sworn people who read my blog to secrecy. Just like on Facebook…