Month: January 2014

Phase two of my book promo plan: Anonymous surveillance photos of recipients

Here is an example of a typical reaction to someone receiving a copy of my book. (Couch sold separately)
Here is an example of a typical reaction by someone receiving a copy of my book. (Couch sold separately)
As a public service message, and due to a court order based on injuries sustained by a postal worker who was reading my book when he drove into the ocean after deviating from his route in Omaha, I have been asked to let you know the first copies of Humor at the Speed of Life are now arriving for unsuspecting readers who ordered their copy while intoxicated by rum-saturated fruitcake.

This means that, in addition to the possibility of a class-action lawsuit, it’s time for me to begin Phase Two of my genius promotional plan:

Gathering anonymous surveillance photos of book recipients.

This will be accomplished through a network of what I’ve been told is “The best group of undercover photographers money can buy, without exceeding a budget of $45 and various Taco Bell coupons.” Because the scope of Phase Two is growing fast, new members for this elite surveillance team are needed.

Desired even.

And for many of you, that’s probably enough enticement. Continue reading Phase two of my book promo plan: Anonymous surveillance photos of recipients

That time (three minutes ago) when I didn’t know my book was on Amazon

imageAs most of you know, I am a marketing and promotional genius — at least when compared to the release of Beyonce’s latest album. In fact, my avoidance of the typical hype that surrounds a book promotion has been so effective that, until three minutes ago, even I didn’t know my book had become available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

imageNaturally, this is all part of my calculated effort as a marketing genius to appear aloof and disinterested, therefore creating such an aura of mystery about myself and the book that people can’t stop asking the question:

Do you think Chris Harrison is ever going to be The Bachelor?

This is a marketing strategy designed to build momentum over a longer period, therefore sustaining interest. In fact, if my calculations are correct — and they always are regardless of what my sixth-grade teacher said — my current rate of marketing momentum should reach full speed at some point during my eulogy. I should point out this approach is contrary to the “sudden explosion of excitement” strategy which, as we all know, often leads to a sudden drop in performance. Continue reading That time (three minutes ago) when I didn’t know my book was on Amazon

Remote-controlled rats, husbands could mark beginning of Brave New World (and yes, I’m scared)

image As I’ve mentioned before, because of our home’s proximity to the local wharf, from time to time we have a problem with rodents. Now, when I say “rodents,” I mean rats, and when I say “problem,” I mean finding mysterious entries scrawled on our grocery list that read:

Git mor cheeez.

However, I know that we aren’t alone in this, and that our neighbors undoubtedly have the same rodent problem. I know this because 1) They are our neighbors, and therefore live as close to the wharf as we do, and 2) Because we routinely lob assorted cheese curds into their yards before going to bed.

[Note to neighbors: We are NOT trying to entice the rats from our house into yours; we’re simply trying to entice you to eat more cheese.]

That said, some recent discoveries could change the way we go about solving our rat problem. According to a recent article in the journal Nature, researchers at the State University of New York have created the world’s first living remote-controlled rat. By implanting tiny electrodes in rats’ brains, scientists can command the rats to turn left or right, climb trees, navigate mazes, and, in some cases, stage dramatic light saber duels while dressed as tiny Star Wars characters. Continue reading Remote-controlled rats, husbands could mark beginning of Brave New World (and yes, I’m scared)

Hello: My name isn’t Larry

(If your New Year’s resolution was to not miss a single Flashback Sunday post in 2014, CONGRATULATIONS! You are well on your way, with only 51 flashbacks to go! If, however, your goal was to start working out each morning but, instead, have decided to “adjust” that goal by having coffee in bed while reading this week’s flashback, CONGRATULATIONS ANYWAY! While others are getting sweaty, hungry and staring at someone’s sweaty backside in step aerobics, you are comfy and caffeinated. Who’s 2014 is off to a better start?)

why-hire-a-contractor-1 copy There are three things I know about “Larry.”

He is a contractor; he lives somewhere in Multnomah County; and he has the same cell phone number that I do.

The calls started about a month ago, presumably about the time “Larry” got his contractor’s license and began making bids. Since then, he has been a busy man, picking up jobs and making sure that his clients know they can call him any time. Day or night. For any reason at all.

Which they do — to my cell phone.

The Hansons, for example, call whenever they change their mind about what color tile to use around the bidet in their new bathroom. For the Gilmores, deciding between cedar shakes or aluminum siding requires at least one consultation a day. And the Reyboulds are still contemplating the ripple effect of kitchen cabinets without knobs. Mrs. Reybould thinks knobs would make their kitchen look more inviting; Mr. Reybould believes not having knobs would stymie their 2-year-old and keep him out of the cabinets for at least another year. Continue reading Hello: My name isn’t Larry

Tools for thought… or food for your toolbox… or something like that

image A while back, I talked about three of the most important tools a writer wields when it comes to establishing their voice. Does anyone remember what they were?

For the sake of time and my feelings, let’s just assume the rest of you remember what those tools were and, in a series of uncontrollable outbursts, begin shouting out the following:

TIMING!

TRUTHFULNESS!

and…

CUERVO!

No, the third tool is RELATIVITY — not Cuervo. Even though I think we can all agree Cuervo does have a way of making even the most abstract things seem relevant.

In this case, however, Relativity means ensuring the reader can relate to what we’re writing about. This is especially true when it comes to personal experience and family anecdotes. For example, that hilarious story about how Aunt Frida got mad and stomped through the garden won’t be nearly as entertaining to readers as it is to you unless, like you, they already know Aunt Frida was a mule. I realize that’s an overstatement, but unless you take time to lay the foundation of your story in a way that involves the reader, they will likely sit down and refuse to follow. Continue reading Tools for thought… or food for your toolbox… or something like that

My 2013 year in review (Or why I’m moving to Sydney)

The image from my most popular post for 2013, which was also Freshly Pressed. Apparently, a lot of people like VW vans.
The image from my most popular post for 2013, which was also Freshly Pressed. Apparently, a lot of people like VW vans.
My thanks to The WordPress.com stats helper-monkeys for preparing this 2013 wrap-up for my blog, but mostly I want to thank all of YOU for making this past year what it was — and this blog for what it has become. And even though I don’t know what that is exactly, I do know it is distracting 1,302 more people now than it was last year at this time. I also know the search term “Naked Ned” drove the most traffic here.

Mostly from Australia.

What this tells me is that, in addition to Australia’s obvious high standards in nude men named Ned, my chance at landing an Outback Steakhouse endorsement is still alive and well in 2014.

Here’s why I’m planning a visit to Australia…

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 33,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 12 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

And keep in mind that’s without any mention of showing off my Bloomin’ Onion.

Again, my sincerest thanks to everyone who not only found this corner of the blog-o-sphere in 2013 but, for reasons I’m sure are a frequent topic of discussion with your psychiatrists, keep coming back…

For the full Monty on the highlights of 2013, please click here