Welcome to the final installment of our four-part Winter Olympic preview, 20 Reasons to Be a Summer Olympian! Today, we’ll be introducing the six new and exciting events making their debut — or five really, since one of them is another biathlon event. Okay, four if you consider Team Figure Skating. Of course, there’s also the new Luge Team Relay, which proves there’s no “I” in Luge Team; because unless I can’t find the remote, “I” probably won’t be watching.
But hey! That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to offer the same in-depth look at these events as we are Women’s Ski Jumping, mens and women’s Ski Halfpipe, and the Sochi Commode Relay, which pits the endurance needed for Russian cuisine against a limited number of working toilets.
Let us begin! At the risk of losing all of you to drowsiness, we’ll start today’s preview with the Biathlon Mixed Relay…
*sigh* (I knew it)
Thank you. According to the National Olympic Committee, the Biathlon Mixed Relay is already “wildly popular” in Europe. That’s the same thing they told us about the original biathlon event, and we all know how that turned out. However, what makes this new biathlon different is that, instead of watching two-man teams trudge through the snow and occasionally awaken viewers with gunfire, men and women will be paired together — which is always a good idea on long trips. To make the event even more exciting, each pair will be connected to a live audio feed, allowing viewers to listen to strategic conversations like:
“Vlad, are you sure this is the right way?”
“I’m positive, Latrina! Stop badgering me!”
“Perhaps we should ask for directions.”
“Niente! I know where I am going!”
“Fine. But this is the third time we have passed that American, Bob Costas. I think he is looking for the restroom.”
“We shall follow him.”
In keeping with this year’s push for more gender inclusion, these next two events — Men and Women Ski Halfpipe and Women’s Ski Jump — highlight the importance of equality within Olympic competition. Assuming, of course, that you aren’t homosexual. Ha Ha! Just kidding! We all know there is no such thing as a gay Olympian!
Speaking of figure skating, this year’s games will see the addition of the highly anticipated Team Figure Skating Event. And when I say “highly anticipated,” I’m referring to biathlon athletes, who know adding another two days of figure skating could get more people to watch biathlon.
Unless Curling is on at the same time.
Regardless, the rules of Team Figure Skating are as follows: Teams of six skaters from each country will perform in four separate categories, including Men’s, Women’s, Dance and Mixed Pair, which the Russians are heavily favored to win because, let’s face it: When it comes to Russian athletes, it’s hard to tell who has a pair and who doesn’t. At the end of three days, the winner will be determined by a combination of aggregate score and which team can take a crotch check from Tanya Harding.
While we’re on the subject of “whacky,” our final new event is the Team Luge event, which actually coincides with my own Olympic event: The Beer Run. The rules to Team Luge are simple, meaning that instead of one or two people sliding uncontrollably down a chute as fast as possible, four people will do it, one after the other, for the fastest combined time. A teammate — presumably the one who couldn’t fit into their polymer suit after the opening ceremony banquet — will synchronize the release of each teammate down the chute by using a touch pad located at the finish. If these pressure pads work anything like the ones that open the doors at my supermarket, this event might actually be worth watching.
Think NASCAR pile-up without the cars!
With that, we officially mark the final installment of our 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics preview. We hope this series has been helpful, at least in terms of enhancing your Olympic experience in ways no drug test can detect. In the meantime, we will continue coverage of the Sochi Olympic Games brought to you live from the top of a parking garage in Salt Lake City Utah — which is the closest to the winter Olympics as we’ll probably ever get…