As any biologist will tell you, in order for a species to survive, it must evolve. It is this process of evolution that allows an organism to pass along vital, physical improvements to the next generation. One such example is the opposable thumb, which distinguishes us from the apes — most notably through our ability to use all three holes in a bowling ball.
However, there would be no evolution without propagation. And soon there may be no propagation without nasal spray.
What makes nasal spray so important to man’s future is a drug under development at Palatin Technologies. According to studies, the drug PT-141 has been shown to cause an increase in sexual activity among rats by stimulating the brain’s melanocortin receptors. These receptors, which are used by male rats to pick up subtle transmissions from female rats, are also present in the human brain, which males often use for picking up subtle transmissions from ESPN.
Because our melanocortin receptors are so similar, researchers believe PT-141 will be just as effective on humans as it has been on rats. That theory was supported last week by Dr. Annette Shadiack, director of biological research at Palatin Technologies, when she announced that preliminary testing on humans “looked very promising,” and that full-scale trials would be getting under way.
Just as soon as she and “Mr. Whiskers” return from Bermuda.
What makes PT-141 so effective is its convenience factor. Because it is administered through a nasal spray, results can be achieved within 15 minutes. This is a vast improvement over Viagra, which not only requires a lengthy gestation period, but also additional time to repress images of Rush Limbaugh taking Viagra.
Marketing strategy has already begun for PT-141, which will be available to consumers in the form of a nasal spray as early as this fall — which should coincide nicely with the flu season.
I think it’s important to note that PT-141 was not originally developed for increasing libido activity. Or even Macarena activity. Because it utilizes the hormone Melanotan II, it was actually intended for use as a sunless tanning agent. However, while initial testing of PT-141 showed an increase in tanning, it also caused nine out of 10 men to request remaining in a seated position until there were no women in the room.
The 10th test subject was admitted to the hospital a shortly after boarding a busy elevator.
So, how will nasal spray fit into humanity’s evolutionary process? And what part of our anatomy will see the most vital, physical improvements?
For those of you who picked your nose, I’d like you to please go wash your hands — then give yourselves a gold star.
While no one knows for sure what kind of impact this new drug will have on man’s distant evolution, I think it’s safe to assume the following:
1) I will, at some point, switch out my friend’s Afrin with PT-141.
2) Many wives, at some point, will switch out their husband’s PT-141 with Afrin.
3) Rats, at some point, will learn to use nasal spray and take over the Earth.
Until then, when it comes to my own love life, I think I’ll stick to the old-fashioned way.
And always be receptive.