As any biologist will tell you, in order for a species to survive, it must evolve. It is this process of evolution that allows an organism to pass along vital, physical improvements to the next generation. One such example is the opposable thumb, which distinguishes us from the apes — most notably through our ability to use all three holes in a bowling ball.
However, there would be no evolution without propagation. And soon there may be no propagation without nasal spray.
What makes nasal spray so important to man’s future is a drug under development at Palatin Technologies. According to studies, the drug PT-141 has been shown to cause an increase in sexual activity among rats by stimulating the brain’s melanocortin receptors. These receptors, which are used by male rats to pick up subtle transmissions from female rats, are also present in the human brain, which males often use for picking up subtle transmissions from ESPN.
Because our melanocortin receptors are so similar, researchers believe PT-141 will be just as effective on humans as it has been on rats. That theory was supported last week by Dr. Annette Shadiack, director of biological research at Palatin Technologies, when she announced that preliminary testing on humans “looked very promising,” and that full-scale trials would be getting under way.
Just as soon as she and “Mr. Whiskers” return from Bermuda.
What makes PT-141 so effective is its convenience factor. Because it is administered through a nasal spray, results can be achieved within 15 minutes. This is a vast improvement over Viagra, which not only requires a lengthy gestation period, but also additional time to repress images of Rush Limbaugh taking Viagra.
Marketing strategy has already begun for PT-141, which will be available to consumers in the form of a nasal spray as early as this fall — which should coincide nicely with the flu season.
I think it’s important to note that PT-141 was not originally developed for increasing libido activity. Or even Macarena activity. Because it utilizes the hormone Melanotan II, it was actually intended for use as a sunless tanning agent. However, while initial testing of PT-141 showed an increase in tanning, it also caused nine out of 10 men to request remaining in a seated position until there were no women in the room.
The 10th test subject was admitted to the hospital a shortly after boarding a busy elevator.
So, how will nasal spray fit into humanity’s evolutionary process? And what part of our anatomy will see the most vital, physical improvements?
For those of you who picked your nose, I’d like you to please go wash your hands — then give yourselves a gold star.
While no one knows for sure what kind of impact this new drug will have on man’s distant evolution, I think it’s safe to assume the following:
1) I will, at some point, switch out my friend’s Afrin with PT-141.
2) Many wives, at some point, will switch out their husband’s PT-141 with Afrin.
3) Rats, at some point, will learn to use nasal spray and take over the Earth.
Until then, when it comes to my own love life, I think I’ll stick to the old-fashioned way.
And always be receptive.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
“which should coincide nicely with the flu season.”—-Hahaha! What a brilliant concept. You can go into the pharmacy and get the nasal flu vaccine and a sexual enhancer all in one. And stop for a candy bar on the way out. Life is good.
At least until those horny rats take over.
Ew. Where’s the warfarin?…
It’s still in development. In my basement lab. I’m calling it “Rat Be-Gone.” Or “Kitty.”
Ah, yes, kitty claws work just as well as blood-thinners.
Fast acting aerosol Viagra? This gives me an idea for a hilarious sequel to The Rock!
It’s a good thing Lloyd Bridges wasn’t sniffing THAT stuff in “Airplane!”
Horny rats is a problem for everyone, not just female rats.
Good point. I think females of both species have to deal with far too many horny rats.
I suspect you’re right.
“Just as soon as she and “Mr. Whiskers” return from Bermuda.” Okay, Young Ned. That’s one more keyboard shot to hell. Luckily, I keep a stack of replaclements nearby for days when I decide to come see what you’re up to. Love your 3 safe assumptions, and the photo captions. You still RULE, destroyer of keyboards or not.
Ha! Thanks, Marcia!
Did I mention I have stock in a keyboard company…?
Not really, Ned, but then I didn’t mention that I really know how to spell “replacements,” either, so I reckon we’re even! 😀
The original spelling you had also happens to be the name of the company I own stock with. Small world 😉
i can see this as the classic takeover by the military for their own uses. they can disarm rival armies by holding them down and administering this, then it turns into ‘make love not war’. and they will be tan, positive collateral damage.
Or they could just use them as mine sweepers…
hahahaha – but do they light up when they find something that could be dangerous? yes, i suppose they do
LOL! And we’re not talking an “after” cigarette.
And a plethora of Pinnochio clones will be the “tell.”
Haha!
“Anyone up for a game of ring toss?”
While this is all very exciting for the future of the human race and for horny people everywhere, I think any nasal spray that can erase images of Rush Limbaugh in general should be our main goal.
Hahaha — AGREED!
Or at the very least, he should not be allowed to have a prescription.
Shoe size will no longer be the prime indicator….
You know what they say about men with big applicators.
A little dab will do ya.
I keep hoping.
SNORT
Rush Limbaugh taking Viagra….thank you for making me lose sleep for the next 20 years!!
Imagine how his wife feels! AAAAGH!
At least he’ll never roll out of bed!! hahahaha
Haha! But I think you give him too much credit… 😉
Hmmm….perhaps you’re right. I hope we never find out the truth.
I’m sure his wife already regrets it.
Finding out the truth, I mean.
Actually, probably the other… uh… thing, too.
haha….I’m going to assume she is heavily medicated and really has no clue.
Ha! I’m pretty sure it started on their wedding day…
My grandpa used to say ‘Where will technology lead us?’ After reading this, I definitely think that technology is leading us to a much better use of our noses… How come we never thought of that before? Haha
Get rid of allergies AND improve your sex life! What a world, huh?
FREE THE RATS. Test on Limbaugh.
There’s a difference?
Ha! GOOD ONE.
If this is true, my nose is an evolutional convention centre! Plenty of room for all sorts of experimentation. I expect I will be Human Ver. 2.1C before anyone else. And horny as hell.
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Like men need supplements to make them even more obsessed with sex!!! How about a nasal spray to give them instant satisfaction rather than desire?! Imaging spontaneous random orgasms of passer-bys the footpath…. ‘Hmmm. I’ll have what he’s having….’ 😛
Ewwww. I will make sure I’m wearing rubber boots if I’m on that footpath… 😉
Great post, up to your anything but usual standard, but I will forever be haunted by the image of Rush Linbaugh taking viagra. Thanks a lot, Ned!
It’s a nightmare I chose to share because I can’t handle having it alone. Thank YOU, Arend.
The side effect is that you keep singing this:
The ending was worth waiting for. And not just because it was the end of the song.
Another side effect: I’ll never be able to look at Jimmy Dean sausage without thinking of PT-141, nostrils, and then burning my sausage patty in smoke and fire.
It’s the whole circle of life thing. Except not.
You’re right; it snot.