Men: Hurry and return the dumb gift you got your wife!

imageMany years ago, I bought my wife an Epilady shaver for Christmas. Because it was a sleek, modern, electrical device costing over $50, there was no reason to suspect it would feel like someone had just ripped the hair out of her legs using Super Glue and a roll of duct tape. While I’m sure I’ve gotten my wife gifts she didn’t really like, she’s always accepted them graciously. But in this case, as she chased me through the house completely naked and swiping at my scalp with her new Epilady, two things came to mind:

1) She really hates this gift,
And
2) I shouldn’t have gotten her the cordless model.

Now, before I get an angry letter from Park Products, Inc., I should clarify that this was a long time ago, and I’m sure the latest model is a vast improvement over the one my wife hurled through our bathroom window.  Continue reading

A few questionable observations at the mall

My favorite part about visiting a mall? Meeting new friends!

My favorite part about visiting a mall? Meeting new friends!

We live in a small town. The closest thing we have to a mall experience is one-stop shopping for a bottle of Smirnoff, a chicken sandwich and roofing tar thanks to having a True Value hardware store, Subway restaurant and liquor store all joined by a single parking lot. This is the number one complaint by visiting teenaged tourists, who are often found rocking themselves into a coma when their devices lose cell service and they raise their heads to find they are in a wirelessly foresaken land of mall-less-ness.

“WE ARE IN A WIRELESSLY FORESAKEN LAND OF MALL-LESS-NESS!” I hear them scream.

But today I am laughing at them! Ha-Ha-HA! What makes today different? Because I am doing so from a really big mall. How big, you ask? I don’t mean to brag, but let’s just say it has an escalator. In fact, I can go ice skating, ride bumper cars and buy over-priced merchandise without even breaking a sweat. At least not until I get my credit card statement. Continue reading

Next year, we’ll do Christmas without the zombies

Last-minute shopping can be dangerous, especially if there's a sale.

Last-minute shopping can be dangerous, especially if there’s a sale.

As is our tradition, my wife and I made an excellent plan to get our gift wrapping done so that, on Christmas eve, we could bask in our accomplishment while drinking warm, spiked beverages and gazing introspectively at the twinkling Christmas tree lights, until we pass out.

And, as is our tradition, we once again found ourselves locked in the bedroom with rolls of ribbon and wrapping paper strung across the bed, passing the scissors and tape back and forth like a frantic game of “hot potato.”
As expected, our bedroom quickly resembled a CSI Christmas crime scene in which the holiday spirit had exploded… Continue reading

Men are from NAPA, women are from Macys

Soon, this man will contemplate ending his pain by ingesting large quantities of perfume.

If you want to observe the difference between men and women at its purest form, study their shopping habits. With the holiday buying season now officially under way, there’s no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself.

Here’s a brief study guide to get you started.
Women:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchangeable and flattering.
b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today.
c) Are undecided about whether or not a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Will try on all clothes within arm’s reach of the fitting room.

Men:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure.
b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime.
c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Continue reading