According to the Under-Tec Corporation in Pueblo, Colo., every day there are millions of people around the world who find themselves trapped in elevators, small cars and copy rooms with people who are unable to meet gas emission standards. This condition, known in medical terms as malodorous flatus (a Latin term meaning “The dog did it”) has been a major focus for Under-Tec, an undergarment development company that, according to its website, was the first to introduce “A new generation of protective underwear for flatulence” called Under-Ease.
Why do I bring this up?
Not for the reason you might think.
Being a journalist, I sometimes rely on “sources” to provide me with “tips” for “breaking” news. These tips come in may forms, including anonymous voicemails, notes left on my windshield or, like this morning, a newspaper clipping taped to my monitor with the words:
You should look into this. I mean it.
— Annonim Anonnym Your Editor
So as you can see, I really had no choice.
After doing some research, I discovered the technology behind Under-Ease appears to be effective and simple. The underwear itself is made from a soft, air-tight nylon fabric with elastic around each leg and an “exit hole” (their term, not mine) cut from the back (good planning) that houses a special multi-layered filter.
This “exit hole” is important for two reasons.
First, it forces the gas to be expelled through the filter. Second, and perhaps more importantly, without the hole, the air-tight underwear would fill up like a hot air balloon, eventually releasing the trapped gasses in one enormous burst (or fireball, depending on one’s proximity to a lighted match or woodstove.)
The core to this new technology is the specially designed, multi-layered filter that covers the exit. Without this filter, let’s face it: All you’d have is just another leaf blower.
What makes the filter so effective is its unique blend of Australian sheep’s wool, polypropylene, spun glass and recycled car air-fresheners, all of which surround a single layer of activated carbon. All of this is sandwiched together into a “micro-thin” filter (roughly the size of an iPad Mini) that can be worn under regular trousers or dresses without detection.
It’s important to note that the company discourages wearing the garment while bathing, swimming, soaking in hot tubs or during any other water-related activities. The reason is because of the filter’s powerful absorbency, which is roughly equal to dumping 60 cases of Brawny paper towels into an inflatable pool — a situation that could actually prove more embarrassing than a few well-timed bubbles during a game of water volleyball.
Each pair of Under-Ease is guaranteed to last six months to a year. That sounds reasonable, at least until you read the fine print, which includes the statement “under ordinary conditions.”
I called the company to get a more detailed explanation as to what “ordinary conditions” were.
In the interest of time, let me just say if you attend All-You-Can-Eat Burrito Night at your favorite Mexican restaurant, don’t bother asking for a refund on your Under-Ease. Also, keep in mind that the effectiveness of Under-Ease undergarments will be “greatly diminished” should you somehow “puncture, rip or tear them.”
In which case, flatulence is probably the least of your problems.
With the holiday shopping season underway, Under-Ease could be that special gift that lets the person who has everything know you care.
Not to mention everyone around them.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
Can’t believe I’m going to share this on Twitter… but I am.
You’re a true champion of the people, Ned Hickson.
Don’t be too hard on yourself; it’s hard not to share flatulence in any form.
So much to love. Laughing like a stoner. Oh wait …
Must be laughing gas… ?
Must be. Hey, who brought this stuff in here?!
If you can’t get them wet, how do you wash them? Also what’s a well rounded bubble?
I think you have to wahs them by hand.
Yeah… ewwww.
And a well-rounded bubble is what happens if the “exit hole” is blocked when you fart.
You’re right ewww all around!
I would like, for one day, to live inside your brain.
Where do you come up with these ideas?
By the way, from someone who gets asphyxiated on an almost daily basis by the (male) people around her, I think this is a fantastic garment!
Given that you are asphyxiated on a daily basis by (male) flatulence, it sounds like you’re already pretty close to living in my brain…
So that’ll be …’Gone with the Wind’ then yes?
*bows several times and accepts flowers from stage left*
– sonmi upon the Cloud.
Lol! Either that or “Sound and the Fury…”
Pass wind, not judgement! (my new credo)
Great words to live by. As long as you’re down-wind from me…
I second Gibber’s comment about how to keep them clean if they can’t get wet. On second thought, I don’t think I want to know.
I’ve heard there’s a “product care” video. I’m ordering a copy because I love scary movies.
Eat a bunch of broccoli and cabbage beforehand. That should put you in the right physical shape to view the subject matter.
Hahaha! When it comes to being in that physical shape, I’m a natural.
This article was a gas!
Haha! You’re just trying to get on my good side! Which is anywhere but behind me.
This is, essentially, like putting a tupperware lid on your, um, bum. I say the find a way to harness this gas to fuel our cars. I’d be much more impressed with that.
Me too. As long as I’m not behind anyone.
The perfect gift idea for a couple of people I know! That… along with some “Poo Pourri”! Wonders never cease of actual products!! LOL! 🙂
I would’ve been OK if the wonders had ceased before this 😉
Is it sound-proof as well?
Only if you line it with egg cartons…
That’s after eating the eggs that gave me gas.
Lol! Pickled, right?
Right…..both the eggs and I.
Hahahaha!
Truly we live in an age of wonders.
You’re so right.
These should be called “wonder garments” instead of “under garments.”
*cough cough*
Now I know what to get Dad for Christmas!
I’m guessing it would work for EVERY dad for Christmas…
The perfect stocking stuffer
“Show Dad you care by covering his derrière…”
And others you will spare…..
…when last night’s dinner begins to blare.
I really should get a pair of these. Ever since I changed up my eating several months ago, my #1 snack has included an ingredient that my system apparently has a lot of trouble fully digesting (chick peas). Especially over this past summer, I was so stinky that I thought something had died inside of me. And my poor family had to put up with it. But then again, it’s pretty fun to stink out my 12 year old son!
Hahaha! Sweet revenge!
Well, I’ve heard of gas revenues, but this is ridiculous. :))
Good to be back and reading your stuff again. 🙂
Ha! They say you can’t smell natural gas. I beg to differ!
And it’s good to see your blue square again, Lynette 😉
Thanks! 🙂
Good idea for our family’s anonymous gift-exchange this year, we’re all full of it… As Shrek says, “Better out than in.”
Trust me, no one ever says that in our house… 😉
Something tells me ‘candle in the wind’ isn’t the right response to this post.
HAHA! Just don’t get too close!
*note to self* Put the coffee down before reading Ned’s Blog.
A coffee blister is the highest form of flattery…
Oh, shut your exit hole.
I tried that once. It looked like I was wearing pantaloons.
It’d better have a sound-deadening feature too, don’t you think?
Did you hear about the little old lady who told her husband: “I’ve got a checkup tomorrow to see what I can do about these horribly smelly farts I’ve been having lately. They don’t make any noise but they go on and on and they smell something awful.”
Her husband grumbled: “I think you’d better have your hearing checked too!”
LOL! I hadn’t heard that one!
The joke, I mean…
I truly wish that I had something more intelligent to add but ‘are you kidding me???’ is all I can come up with….
That’s about as intelligent as I like to keep things around here, Sandy 😉
Um, I bought this for my brother last year. No wait, the dog did.
I’m considering getting one FOR my dog. Or making him sleep outside.
Hahaha oh my gahhhd this is hilarious!
Yay! We can laugh now that Under-Ease is making the air safer for everyone to breathe! Although the “greenhouse effect” has now moved into our shorts.
OK Ned, I have heard of these, but what I haven’t heard yet, and only a true journalist would, indeed even could, provide a first-hand account of efficacy. Will you be that journalist, Ned? Will you lead us out of the what-if wilderness?
I thought we had already established I’m directionally challenged. My leading everyone out of the what-if wilderness would end up like the Donner Party. But at least no one will smell are canabalistic flatulence.
I think Sharts might also be outside “ordinary usage!” Since they are so absorbent, how in the world do you wash them without soaking up the entire washer full of water? And where can I get about 20 pairs for my hubby?
My suggestion it to discard any and all pairs that have fallen victim to a shart attack.