As if we didn’t have enough to worry about with North Korea, ISIS and the very real threat of another Justin Bieber album, now we can add “drunken cats” to our terrorist watch list. That’s right. Because it’s not like cats didn’t already have enough attitude, right?
Thanks to Japanese manufacturer B&H Lifes, cats can now get drunk and REALLY disagreeable while drinking a new wine developed specifically for the feline palette.
According to B&H Lifes, the wine is made from a combination of Cabernet grapes and catnip, two flavors cats find irresistible — and the second of which manufacturers explain “helps cats release their inhibitions.”
Apparently cat inhibition is a big problem in Japan.
I may be overstating this, but I have yet to meet a cat in the U.S. that has a problem releasing its inhibitions. Or anything else for that matter if the mood strikes. In fact, if anyone needs to be drinking catnip-laced wine to release their inhibitions it’s American cat owners, many of whom spend more time picking out dinner for their cat than they do their family.
Because even though they may whine, complain and refuse to eat dinner, most children won’t climb onto the back of the couch while you’re watching TV and bite your head. I say “most children” because, hey — I don’t want to seem unfair to cats. The truth is, even the names of cat food demonstrates the level of servitude we have come to accept.
Fancy Feast: How DARE you offer a plain feast!
Tender Vittles: Sure, cats have razor-sharp teeth made specifically for chewing and grinding. But why should they have to make the effort?
Royal Feline: Just a reminder that you are but a cat’s handmaiden or squire.
Let’s take a moment to compare this with the names of dog foods.
Science Diet: We’re basically experimenting on you, buddy.
Old Yeller: Your dinner is named after a dog that was shot in the head after contracting rabies. Eat up, boy!
Pedigree: We just don’t want you to forget you’re actually a mutt from the pound.
It’s easy to see the hierarchy cats have already established while sober. Do we really want to add the unpredictability of cats with a drinking problem to the equation? We all know alcohol affects people differently. It stands to reason the same applies to cats. That’s why I’m not willing to roll the dice with my own cat, who I’m pretty sure would be an angry drunk. The last thing I want is for my children to see “Mittens” on a drunken tear, meowing about how we love the dog more, that birds constantly mock his failure as a hunter, and how being neutered has kept him from having a meaningful relationship.
While it’s true manufacturers say there’s no actual alcohol in its cat libation, called Nyan Nyan Nouveau, which means “Meow Meow Wine” in Japanese, it does contain catnip — which has the same intoxicating effect as “a feline slamming Jack and Cokes with Charlie Sheen,” warned Animal Planet cat behaviorist Jackson Galaxy. “Nothing good can come from making wine available to cats. Or Charlie Sheen.”
My thoughts exactly.
So thanks, Japan, but I’ll stick to being a manservant to our cat while it’s sober and indifferent.
I’m used to it.