As if we didn’t have enough to worry about with North Korea, ISIS and the very real threat of another Justin Bieber album, now we can add “drunken cats” to our terrorist watch list. That’s right. Because it’s not like cats didn’t already have enough attitude, right?
Thanks to Japanese manufacturer B&H Lifes, cats can now get drunk and REALLY disagreeable while drinking a new wine developed specifically for the feline palette.
According to B&H Lifes, the wine is made from a combination of Cabernet grapes and catnip, two flavors cats find irresistible — and the second of which manufacturers explain “helps cats release their inhibitions.”
Apparently cat inhibition is a big problem in Japan.
I may be overstating this, but I have yet to meet a cat in the U.S. that has a problem releasing its inhibitions. Or anything else for that matter if the mood strikes. In fact, if anyone needs to be drinking catnip-laced wine to release their inhibitions it’s American cat owners, many of whom spend more time picking out dinner for their cat than they do their family.
Why?
Because even though they may whine, complain and refuse to eat dinner, most children won’t climb onto the back of the couch while you’re watching TV and bite your head. I say “most children” because, hey — I don’t want to seem unfair to cats. The truth is, even the names of cat food demonstrates the level of servitude we have come to accept.
Fancy Feast: How DARE you offer a plain feast!
Tender Vittles: Sure, cats have razor-sharp teeth made specifically for chewing and grinding. But why should they have to make the effort?
Royal Feline: Just a reminder that you are but a cat’s handmaiden or squire.
Let’s take a moment to compare this with the names of dog foods.
Science Diet: We’re basically experimenting on you, buddy.
Old Yeller: Your dinner is named after a dog that was shot in the head after contracting rabies. Eat up, boy!
Pedigree: We just don’t want you to forget you’re actually a mutt from the pound.
It’s easy to see the hierarchy cats have already established while sober. Do we really want to add the unpredictability of cats with a drinking problem to the equation? We all know alcohol affects people differently. It stands to reason the same applies to cats. That’s why I’m not willing to roll the dice with my own cat, who I’m pretty sure would be an angry drunk. The last thing I want is for my children to see “Mittens” on a drunken tear, meowing about how we love the dog more, that birds constantly mock his failure as a hunter, and how being neutered has kept him from having a meaningful relationship.
While it’s true manufacturers say there’s no actual alcohol in its cat libation, called Nyan Nyan Nouveau, which means “Meow Meow Wine” in Japanese, it does contain catnip — which has the same intoxicating effect as “a feline slamming Jack and Cokes with Charlie Sheen,” warned Animal Planet cat behaviorist Jackson Galaxy. “Nothing good can come from making wine available to cats. Or Charlie Sheen.”
My thoughts exactly.
So thanks, Japan, but I’ll stick to being a manservant to our cat while it’s sober and indifferent.
I’m used to it.
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(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
For the love of God, please don’t tell my sister Ethel about feline wine. She’s hard enough to take sober!!!
Look on the bright side, at least now she’ll never have to drink alone!
This is why I choose to spend my time with my dog. It’s much safer and she doesn’t drink my wine. 😉
Whatever you do, don’t let her near the Mad Dog 20/20…
OMG! OMG! This was hilarious!
I think most cats would make for angry drunks – while the dogs would be lovers. In fact, throwing down the triple-dog-dare that you make drunk dogs the topic for a future post 😉
Ha! I’ll take that dare. And no, I haven’t been drinking… 😉
LOL, that really was hilarious! No, I do not want drunk cats running around! That’s just crazy.
Somebody sent me some info about a kind of people wine that actually uses cat pee in it. I did not click the link or do any research because frankly there are just some things I do not want to know 😉
I suppose if they make coffee from weasle poo, then urine wine isn’t much of a stretch. Just as long as they don’t do anything to my Yoo-Hoo!
I think that’s actually a reference to “tasting notes”, not real pee. 🙂
As long as it doesn’t smell like asparagus…
Cat pee that smells like asparagus? 🙂
Ha! Let’s hope not!
You’re hilarious- I love this.
Thanks so much — Although I’m not sure my cat would agree 😉
Dogs are sneakier. I once left a glass of wine on a table next to the couch, left the room for just a minute, and when I returned Puppy Cody was lapping up that wine like it was water. Now I have to hide my wine from her ’cause she really developed a taste from that one little drink. And she didn’t get drunk or develop a hangover, so she has no reason to think wine isn’t simply wonderful. Silly dog.
Whatever you do, don’t take Cody gambling.
I think maybe I should. She seems to have a sixth sense about when I’m going to leave something lying around that she can get to in the thirty seconds or so that I’m going to be out of a room.
Well, maybe there really is something to that old “Dogs Playing Poker” painting?
Maybe. If I had any extra cash and wasn’t afraid of losing it, I might try to find out. 🙂
Ha! Exactly what we need – drunken cats. Tell me this isn’t a first world problem! 🙂
Cats with a drinking problem is most definitely a problem for the privileged!
Oh my gosh. This is soooo funny. 🙂 Do cats have a coffee problem too? If so, I’m hiding the coffee if we ever get a cat.
I imagine cats are tea drinkers. That way they can play with the string while the bag is steeping. But that’s just a guess…
Very possible. 🙂
Bring on the budgie beer!
Ha! My cat has already tried putting my Dos Equies in the birdbath.
Reblogged this on The TuneUp Promotions Blog and commented:
I had to re-blog this. Just because………………..
That describes most of my reasoning skills…
i knew yoko was somehow behind all of this! )
Ohhhhh I must try this! My cat already loves beer (prefers “light” beer) and wine! 🙂
Just make sure you’re not alergic to catnip first, Shauna.
No. Just no. For one, my cats puke enough. Secondly, my “emotional pee-er” releases his inhibitions just fine on a regular basis. Just last night I found where the f(*&#er had released on my knitting project. MY KNITTING. So the Japanese can stick it in this case.
Hahahaha! I swear, I’m laughing WITH you!
The cat wandered unsteadily over to the dog and draped a paw over his neck. “Lishen, Rover,” Fluffy slurred, “I know we’ve had our differenshesh *hic* but I jusht wanted to tell you, you’re…*hic*…you’re a good dog. Real good dog.”
Rover snorted in disgust. “Go home, Fluffy, you’re drunk.”
Haha! A scene from “The Hangover 7”
I like to think the Ole Yeller dog food is the canine equivalent of Soylent Green. Disturbing, but props to the manufacturer for creativity.
It’s like the Coke approach to marketing: associate the product with a good feeling. Apparently, the makers of Ole Yeller dog food have repressed the rabies part from their memories.
One of my cats would sit in a corner, yell insults at everyone and cry for most of the night… The other would just hug everyone, tell them how much he loved them and then would pass out after vomiting on your shoes… Great post!
LOL! I wonder if Beatty Ford had a cat who could start a clinic?
That would be awesome. Angry cats with secret stashes of catnip just to take the edge off…
And full of celebrities’ cats, all going away to recover from “exhaustion.”
And filming videos for Elton John songs while they were in there…
If I hear “Catnip in the Wind” one more time..!
I can just see Robert Downey Jr’s cat staring into the camera and singing ‘I Want Fluff’
HA! Nic Nolte’s cat: “I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Booze”
Oh my god you’ve started something now… This is possibly the most random conversation I’ve had all day, and I work with teenagers!
And I LIVE with three teens, so yeah — I get it! Haha! Thanks for veering with me into the Random Zone, Suzie!
I’ve just spent the last ten minutes looking at lists of Elton John songs – Caturday Night’s Alright for Fighting. I blame you – nice to meet you Ned!
Nice! I’ve been blamed for a lot worse 😉
I can just picture all the new cat posters. “Hang in There!” would have a whole new meaning.
Ha! And the “Friends Don’t Let Cats Climb Trees Drunk” campaign.
Haha! Don’t tell oli about this.
“Ol’ Roy-because that’s good enough for you, Ol’ Boy.”
Hahaha!
*two thumbs up*
Would I be OK going with a Cabernet with the Fancy Feast, or is it a scoch too heavy?
As long as the Fancy Feast is beef, red wine is fine. If it’s chicken, definitely go with a white.
Quite the load of caterwauling going on here I see. What has the world come to that a law-abiding cat can’t have a little ‘nip now and then? You know if someone reports this to the NCA (national catnip association) you’ll soon know that all felines have the right to bare catnip. The only way to stop bad cats on catnip is to make sure there are more good cats with catnip. All cats should have the right to have any type of catnip- be it in wine or tasty treats or even the fully automatic type that constantly renews. Any attempt to restrict access to catnip will get the politician who suggests it voted out of office. After all what’s more beautiful than pearlhandled catnip or chrome plated catnip? This is the American way that you are toying with here Ned. You’re not a socialist or a communist are you?
Bwahahaha! I’m sorry my American friend (*giggle, giggle*). Just nipped in for a quick comment.
Hahaha! Paul my friend, it sounds like you may already be way ahead of me in obtaining a concealed catnip permit 😉
I’m for open carry myself – after all it really is the only way to prevent the bad catnip users from winning. Mutually Assured Declawing.
Good point. Scratch the concealed permit idea.
No wine for my two. Gibbs would be swinging around on the ceiling fan and Ziva’s after-the-nip freight train snores would drive me out. I’m content to be like you, just a servant to the furballs who expect me to clean up their poo and let them bite my head.
Yes, it’s easier to recognize and accept our standing in life, Mary.
I once made the mistake of giving my fat orange tabby Conan too much catnip. He ended up drooling and laying on his back in a mud puddle, his little paws reaching up in the air to catch all the mice he was hallucinating. On the plus side, it was probably the most productive day of his entire life.
I wake every morning hoping to be that productive.
Maybe some day…
My kitties were pretty mellow “sober” so I tend to think Meow Meow Wine would have made them crazy! Your post is hilarious!! Honestly… there is never a reason to make things up when the world gives us a plethora of goodies to choose from with “weird news”. I suppose, since you live in OR, you heard about this one???
— The Territorial Seed Co. of Cottage Grove, Oregon, introduced a plant in 2014 that sprouts both tomatoes and potatoes, the aptly named “Ketchup ‘n’ Fries” plant. Grafting (rather than genetic modification) splices the tomato onto potato plants (to create single plants capable of harvests of 500 red cherry tomatoes and 4.5 pounds of potatoes each). [The Oregonian (Portland), 12-30-2014]
I WANT ONE!! LOL!! 😀
Oh my GAWD! How did I not hear of this plant? Now that they have legalized marijuana here, it’s only a matter of time before they graft a Canibus-Cheetos plant.
I KNOW! Right??? Now that would be something to behold!! LOL! 😀
I used to have a cat with the voice of Marge Simpson and the eating habits of Elvis Presley. Had this concoction been made available to him, I have every reason to think he’d have died while straddling the litter box.
Sadly, it’s something that could happen to any of us really.
This is why I have a snake and a dog.
I think your cat owns you.
And your snake is just biding its time, Gibber.
For what?
I’m guessing a nice big hug?
Ha, she does do that but not to kill, just cause we make her sit around our necks. She’s almost 6 feet
I held a garden snake once. That was enough for me.
So you’re not fond of snakes?
Only if they are on TV. Then they’re fine. And to clarify, I don’t mean “on” the TV, slithering toward me.
Ha, I bet if I you saw me with mine, you’d be curious and want to come see her. I find a lot of people who say they don’t like them or they’re scared of them are really curious and by the end of some talk about her, they’re holding her. Sometimes we take her to our local pet store.
And I thought wine ice cream was weird – this is madness! I definitely do not want to see my cats drunk. One is overweight and would surely break a limb staggering down the stairs, and the other one would start biting my head, even though she doesn’t normally do that. You’re right – some thing we just don’t need. Cat wine is at the top of the list : )
Exactly! Which reminds me; my corkscrew is missing…