Just what we need: intoxicated cats

image As if we didn’t have enough to worry about with North Korea, ISIS and the very real threat of another Justin Bieber album, now we can add “drunken cats” to our terrorist watch list. That’s right. Because it’s not like cats didn’t already have enough attitude, right?

Thanks to Japanese manufacturer B&H Lifes, cats can now get drunk and REALLY disagreeable while drinking a new wine developed specifically for the feline palette.

According to B&H Lifes, the wine is made from a combination of Cabernet grapes and catnip, two flavors cats find irresistible β€” and the second of which manufacturers explain “helps cats release their inhibitions.”

Apparently cat inhibition is a big problem in Japan.

I may be overstating this, but I have yet to meet a cat in the U.S. that has a problem releasing its inhibitions. Or anything else for that matter if the mood strikes. In fact, if anyone needs to be drinking catnip-laced wine to release their inhibitions it’s American cat owners, many of whom spend more time picking out dinner for their cat than they do their family.

Why?

Because even though they may whine, complain and refuse to eat dinner, most children won’t climb onto the back of the couch while you’re watching TV and bite your head. I say “most children” because, hey β€” I don’t want to seem unfair to cats. The truth is, even the names of cat food demonstrates the level of servitude we have come to accept.

Fancy Feast: How DARE you offer a plain feast!
Tender Vittles: Sure, cats have razor-sharp teeth made specifically for chewing and grinding. But why should they have to make the effort?
Royal Feline: Just a reminder that you are but a cat’s handmaiden or squire.

Let’s take a moment to compare this with the names of dog foods.

Science Diet: We’re basically experimenting on you, buddy.
Old Yeller: Your dinner is named after a dog that was shot in the head after contracting rabies. Eat up, boy!
Pedigree: We just don’t want you to forget you’re actually a mutt from the pound.

It’s easy to see the hierarchy cats have already established while sober. Do we really want to add the unpredictability of cats with a drinking problem to the equation? We all know alcohol affects people differently. It stands to reason the same applies to cats. That’s why I’m not willing to roll the dice with my own cat, who I’m pretty sure would be an angry drunk. The last thing I want is for my children to see “Mittens” on a drunken tear, meowing about how we love the dog more, that birds constantly mock his failure as a hunter, and how being neutered has kept him from having a meaningful relationship.

While it’s true manufacturers say there’s no actual alcohol in its cat libation, called Nyan Nyan Nouveau, which means “Meow Meow Wine” in Japanese, it does contain catnip β€” which has the same intoxicating effect as “a feline slamming Jack and Cokes with Charlie Sheen,” warned Animal Planet cat behaviorist Jackson Galaxy. “Nothing good can come from making wine available to cats. Or Charlie Sheen.”

My thoughts exactly.

So thanks, Japan, but I’ll stick to being a manservant to our cat while it’s sober and indifferent.

I’m used to it.

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(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)

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82 thoughts on “Just what we need: intoxicated cats

  1. OMG! OMG! This was hilarious!
    I think most cats would make for angry drunks – while the dogs would be lovers. In fact, throwing down the triple-dog-dare that you make drunk dogs the topic for a future post πŸ˜‰

  2. LOL, that really was hilarious! No, I do not want drunk cats running around! That’s just crazy.

    Somebody sent me some info about a kind of people wine that actually uses cat pee in it. I did not click the link or do any research because frankly there are just some things I do not want to know πŸ˜‰

  3. Dogs are sneakier. I once left a glass of wine on a table next to the couch, left the room for just a minute, and when I returned Puppy Cody was lapping up that wine like it was water. Now I have to hide my wine from her ’cause she really developed a taste from that one little drink. And she didn’t get drunk or develop a hangover, so she has no reason to think wine isn’t simply wonderful. Silly dog.

  4. No. Just no. For one, my cats puke enough. Secondly, my “emotional pee-er” releases his inhibitions just fine on a regular basis. Just last night I found where the f(*&#er had released on my knitting project. MY KNITTING. So the Japanese can stick it in this case.

  5. The cat wandered unsteadily over to the dog and draped a paw over his neck. “Lishen, Rover,” Fluffy slurred, “I know we’ve had our differenshesh *hic* but I jusht wanted to tell you, you’re…*hic*…you’re a good dog. Real good dog.”

    Rover snorted in disgust. “Go home, Fluffy, you’re drunk.”

  6. I like to think the Ole Yeller dog food is the canine equivalent of Soylent Green. Disturbing, but props to the manufacturer for creativity.

    • It’s like the Coke approach to marketing: associate the product with a good feeling. Apparently, the makers of Ole Yeller dog food have repressed the rabies part from their memories.

  7. One of my cats would sit in a corner, yell insults at everyone and cry for most of the night… The other would just hug everyone, tell them how much he loved them and then would pass out after vomiting on your shoes… Great post!

  8. Quite the load of caterwauling going on here I see. What has the world come to that a law-abiding cat can’t have a little ‘nip now and then? You know if someone reports this to the NCA (national catnip association) you’ll soon know that all felines have the right to bare catnip. The only way to stop bad cats on catnip is to make sure there are more good cats with catnip. All cats should have the right to have any type of catnip- be it in wine or tasty treats or even the fully automatic type that constantly renews. Any attempt to restrict access to catnip will get the politician who suggests it voted out of office. After all what’s more beautiful than pearlhandled catnip or chrome plated catnip? This is the American way that you are toying with here Ned. You’re not a socialist or a communist are you?

    Bwahahaha! I’m sorry my American friend (*giggle, giggle*). Just nipped in for a quick comment.

  9. No wine for my two. Gibbs would be swinging around on the ceiling fan and Ziva’s after-the-nip freight train snores would drive me out. I’m content to be like you, just a servant to the furballs who expect me to clean up their poo and let them bite my head.

  10. I once made the mistake of giving my fat orange tabby Conan too much catnip. He ended up drooling and laying on his back in a mud puddle, his little paws reaching up in the air to catch all the mice he was hallucinating. On the plus side, it was probably the most productive day of his entire life.

  11. My kitties were pretty mellow “sober” so I tend to think Meow Meow Wine would have made them crazy! Your post is hilarious!! Honestly… there is never a reason to make things up when the world gives us a plethora of goodies to choose from with “weird news”. I suppose, since you live in OR, you heard about this one???
    — The Territorial Seed Co. of Cottage Grove, Oregon, introduced a plant in 2014 that sprouts both tomatoes and potatoes, the aptly named “Ketchup ‘n’ Fries” plant. Grafting (rather than genetic modification) splices the tomato onto potato plants (to create single plants capable of harvests of 500 red cherry tomatoes and 4.5 pounds of potatoes each). [The Oregonian (Portland), 12-30-2014]

    I WANT ONE!! LOL!! πŸ˜€

  12. I used to have a cat with the voice of Marge Simpson and the eating habits of Elvis Presley. Had this concoction been made available to him, I have every reason to think he’d have died while straddling the litter box.

  13. And I thought wine ice cream was weird – this is madness! I definitely do not want to see my cats drunk. One is overweight and would surely break a limb staggering down the stairs, and the other one would start biting my head, even though she doesn’t normally do that. You’re right – some thing we just don’t need. Cat wine is at the top of the list : )

  14. Pingback: And speaking of beer for dogs… | Ned's Blog

  15. Pingback: Cats may have their own wine but Bowser can crack open a brewsky | Ned's Blog

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