If you have a cat, I’m sure you’ve heard about the world’s first TV program specifically designed for cats. This groundbreaking show premiered — ironically — on the Oxygen Network, which demonstrates what can happen when creative minds are allowed to collaborate freely and openly in a room that is actually being deprived of oxygen. That’s the only explanation I have for some of the things I saw on this show; things like cats doing yoga. Cat haiku. And a cat that eats with chopsticks.
Yes, I said a cat that eats with chopsticks.
As you might’ve guessed, the cat I saw doing this was Siamese, which is a breed known for its intelligence. I watched in amazement as Ying-Yow (which is Cantonese for “always hungry”) demonstrated his supreme cognitive skills by using chopsticks fitted with special “booties” to eat a mixture of dry cat food and squid. As impressive as this was, he still isn’t as smart as our cat, which would have simply run away to find a new family.
But not before breaking his chopsticks in half and shoving them into the nearest “booty.”
This isn’t to say that Meow TV is just a cat variety show. There are also long segments where the screen shows nothing but fish swimming in a bowl. Or sparrows eating in the park. This can last 10 to 15 minutes at a time without explanation or purpose, which is why I found myself checking to make sure I hadn’t accidentally switched to watching an old rerun of Teletubbies.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with this show, let me just say it’s been many years since I watched that show with my children, and I still have no idea what was going on. I remember the names of the characters, and that they lived underground in a spaceship somewhere in a magical land. They all had some kind of antenna on top of their heads, each of which appeared to have been damaged.
Probably when they crash-landed on Earth.
This would explain why they spent all of their time making baby sounds and dancing with a vacuum cleaner named “Noo-Noo” instead of accomplishing their supreme objective: To set up a base camp for the alien invasion. I say this because they had a highly advanced communication system complete with viewing screens mounted INSIDE their stomachs, and a giant transmitter disguised as a windmill that picked up images from anywhere on the planet — and all of which they used for surveillance of things like….
Someone folding laundry.
So, what’s the connection between Teletubbies and Meow TV?
First, our cat won’t watch either one.
Second, when I took into account the many hours I spent with my children trying to understand Teletubbies, I felt I owed our cat the same consideration when it came to Meow TV.
I’ll now describe this experience in the form of cat haiku:
We tried cat yoga
Striving to reach inner peace
Before I bled out
That said, I hope those of you with cats have better luck than I did. My suggestion would be to avoid any form of yoga that places you within 20 feet of your cat.
Particularly if it has had to spend any time eating with chopsticks.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation and a member of the writing team at Long Awkward Pause. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble. Disclaimer: Even if you choose Ned’s book for summer reading, you should still use sunscreen.)