Sorry, but ‘The Force’ will be with me sooner than you

imageBy this time tomorrow, one of the staff members over at Long Awkward Pause will be cooler than the rest.

Except for Brainrants.

No one is cooler than ‘Rants. Mostly because you can leave off half his name and it still sounds cool. Try that with any other writers there and the result sounds like someone grunting in the bathroom stall next to you:





However, I don’t care. Why? Because tonight, while everyone else is lying awake wondering if Luke Skywalker is actually the new villian with the candelabra-style lightsaber in the Star Wars trailers, and if so does that mean Jewish people have more midiclorians than the rest of us, I will have the answer to that burning question and more. 

Like how do Wookies reproduce when they don’t appear to have any sex organs? And at his age, has Han Solo become one of those old people you hate to get stuck behind because he flys so slow you can’t make the jump to lightspeed?

I will have these answers because at 7 p.m. (PST) tonight, I will be sitting in the movie theater and likely getting poked in the head with a plastic lightsaber by an overzealous fan during a special advanced screening of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.”

I’m still not sure how I managed it. Or even if it’s legal. But there are two things I DO know:

First, when I come into the office tomorrow, I will go from looking like this…

Brainrants may be cool, but he still makes horrible coffee
Brainrants may be cool, but he still makes horrible coffee

… to looking like this

There will be no living with him. Especially if he keeps swinging that lightsaber around
There will be no living with me after this. Especially if I keep swinging that lightsaber around

The other thing I know is that I will be gloating  giving a special report on the experience tomorrow morning at LAP. I promise it won’t have any spoilers. Unless aging Wookies develop a problem with sagging sex organs, in which case I’ll be obligated to at least warn people. Especially for those planning to watch the movie in 3D.

In the meantime, whether you’re right next door or in a galaxy far, far away, May the Force Be With You.

Unless it’s the police force.

See you tomorrow! I have foreseen it…






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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

26 thoughts on “Sorry, but ‘The Force’ will be with me sooner than you”

    1. WOO-HOOO! I’m so excited by the whole collective experience ! It’s a rare event for so many cultures and people around the world to share something like this.

      I’m talking about you post, of course…

      (Seriously, I can’t wait to see how you silk-pursed Pez.)

      1. Good verbing there. I’m generally opposed to verbing but some sound perfectly right. My nephew recently suffered a serious fracture of his ankle. As he put it, he was just standing there when “my ankle stopped ankling.”

  1. Taking my 7-year-old Saturday afternoon. Stoked. Have you seen the Rotten Tomates rating on this thing? I’m giddy. Wookie privates are one plausible explanation for the glorious RT score. I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing.

    1. I didn’t realize I was until you mentioned it. I may stop shaving down there now…

      In all seriousness though, how awesome to be sharing this experience with your son. My Mom took meto see the first one in 1977 when I was 11. Now, 38 years later, I’m returning the favor. Pretty damned cool 😉

      1. The downside of all the marketing hype is obvious. The upside is that it produced a nice little groundswell of interest with elementary school kids and injected a little more excitement for my son.

        It’s not lost on me that this is one of those father-son moments we’re likely to both remember for the rest of our lives.

        Some pop culture events transcend 99%+ of the others.

        This is one of those times. It’s awesome that you get to see it early, Ned.

  2. OMG I can’t wait. I typically prefer to wait at least a week before seeing any new blockbuster – in a weak effort to avoid being annoyed by the people around me – a practice I’ve employed since Mo Better Blues. I still have the tics to prove it.

  3. Does the wookie have fleas? Is Hans Solo true to his name and flying solo?
    Does Jaba drool and if so what? What kind of dreams does Darth Vader have? Is Luke a father and does his kid say the line? “I am your fadder”

    1. All will be revealed. Just none of that stuff. But I can say, afterreturning home from seeing it just a few minutes ago, that it will NOT disappoint. Can’t wait to see it again, actually!

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