How to prepare yourself to see ‘The Force Awakens’

(I’m over at Long Awkward Pause today, still giddy with a Star Wars hangover…)

image Last night I was among those relative few who, either through luck or Jedi mind trick, got to see the premier of what is arguably the biggest release in movie history. And by “arguably” I mean we could argue about it, but you would be wrong. Should you continue to argue, I will have a Wookie pull your arms out of their sockets.

While I’m not going to give away any surprises (Chewbacca sees an electrologist on Tatooine!), let me put your fears to rest that J.J. Abrams has created a perfect blend of nostalgia and new adventure, tied together with engaging characters who, unlike the last trilogy, don’t appear to be rehearsing for an episode of “The Young and the Restless.”

In short: I will be seeing this movie again.

Soon.

Likely several times. Or at least until someone notices I’ve been in the same theater for four straight days. Probably because of the smell. (More at Long Awkward Pause…)

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Sorry, but ‘The Force’ will be with me sooner than you

imageBy this time tomorrow, one of the staff members over at Long Awkward Pause will be cooler than the rest.

Except for Brainrants.

No one is cooler than ‘Rants. Mostly because you can leave off half his name and it still sounds cool. Try that with any other writers there and the result sounds like someone grunting in the bathroom stall next to you:

“Awari!”

“Geish!”

“Ogdram!”

“Ned!”

However, I don’t care. Why? Because tonight, while everyone else is lying awake wondering if Luke Skywalker is actually the new villian with the candelabra-style lightsaber in the Star Wars trailers, and if so does that mean Jewish people have more midiclorians than the rest of us, I will have the answer to that burning question and more.  Continue reading

Potty train your child using the Jedi Knight method

image As I sat reading an article about the new Star Wars Trilogy now in production, I suddenly had an epiphany: Potty training our children had been a lot like training young Jedi Knights!

This prompted me to devise a what I am calling the Jedi Potty-Training Program — something that is spiritual, aggressive and, hopefully, a lot less messy than the old-fashioned method of staring at your child until they make a face that looks like they are having a BM, then racing them to the commode.

Because of our subject matter’s explicit nature, we will be using GALACTIC terms during this discussion. Whenever you see this special GALACTIC font style, you’ll know that I’m JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

Ha Ha! No, that font means that it’s important enough to justify wielding my special GALACTIC font-making powers as a way to highlight the fact that I’m BEING SUED BY GEORGE LUCUS. Continue reading

All cultures agree on world’s worst smell — not counting frat houses

image As some of you might have noticed, there has been very little talk lately of the Star Wars Missile Defense System, which was once heralded as the ultimate defense for our nation and the world. This highly advanced system was to have been launched into outer space where, with the push of a button, it could send out missiles capable of targeting a single movie theater — or even an entire chain — should it threaten to actually screen any Star Wars movie made after 1983. It was this threat that kept George Lucas at bay for nearly 20 years.

However, in part because of the astronomical scale and cost of building this defense system, and in part because the top secret design mysteriously began appearing as McDonald’s Kid’s Meal toys, the program pretty much went down the garbage chute. Since then, the U.S. military has been looking for a new “ultimate” weapon” that possesses world-wide applications. The result is something simple; something terrifying — and something that, according to scientists at the Monell Chemical Senses Center, “is so universally repulsive it would be considered unbearable by people from ALL cultures.”

I’m talking, of course, about Jar Jar Binks. Continue reading

Another example of why I will eventually get fired

imageEvery press release that comes here to Siuslaw News crosses my desk and computer monitor at some point. That’s because, among my duties as a humor columnist is typing up things like obituaries, ambulance reports and other things that fall under the “humor umbrella.” At least, that’s how it’s been explained to me. This also includes public service announcements, which sometimes arrive as a hand-written note on a stained cocktail napkin.

When I asked why this is considered part of the coverage area under the “humor umbrella,” my editor explained it’s because my having to figure out someone’s scrawl on an ink-bled napkin “IS FUNNY!” Continue reading

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

“Who is that behind you? Jesus?” my editor asked, noticing my son’s artwork from several years ago on the wall behind me.

“No, it’s George Lucas,” I replied. “You can raise and lower him with this little tab in the back.”

I demonstrated the Amazing Ascension Action! capability of my son’s art piece. Continue reading

Don’t become the victim of an unprovoked gravy ambush

Maintaining “situational awareness” is key to preventing yourself from becoming the victim of a gravy ambush.

Admittedly, the closest I have been to an actual military “hot zone” was when, on a grey August day in 1977, my Cub Scout troop was deployed to sell candy on the same block as the Girl Scouts. Our prime objective was Hilltop Road, which was a critical strategic vector. At least in terms of foot traffic.

Because our troop transport had overheated in the Carl’s Jr. drive-thru, the Girl Scouts had already claimed the high ground next to a busy movie theater. Outnumbered and without tactical advantage, we implemented our most effective defensive strategy, which was to form a tight perimeter directly behind 200-pound Billy Schlependorf. Continue reading