Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

When it comes to strange packages from Canada, you can’t be too safe

(As part of the second round of competition for The Public Blogger’s Performance of the Year award, we have been asked to submit a piece on “Community” or “Family” to be voted on this Sunday at 7 p.m. I’ll be posting about my firefighting family. We also must post two additional pieces on the Public Blogger’s Facebook page between now and Sunday. In keeping with my theme, I’ve chosen this post inspired by a package sent a while back by my friend Ross Murray. You probably remember when it happened. It was the first time the Terrorist Threat Level was raised to “Keylime.”)
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I was taking no chances; as far as I knew, Canada may have stopped being our ally during my walk home...
I was taking no chances; as far as I knew, Canada may have stopped being our ally during my walk home…

The afternoon started out like any other: leave the office, walk two blocks home, pass through our white picket gate toward the front steps, then holler “EVERYBODY STAY IN THE HOUSE” while dropping into an army crawl. Naturally, no one at home had any interest in coming outside until I yelled for them NOT to — at which point three of our children and both dogs attempted to squeeze through the doorway simultaneously, closely resembling a horde of diarrhea sufferers trying to de-board a subway car for the last working restroom.

“STOP!” I commanded, freezing them all — yes, even the dogs — on the porch, just inches away from a small white package with the word Liquid written in several places in black marker. The name on the return address wasn’t one I immediately recognized. The fact that it was from a foreign country (Canada) made it even more suspicious. Continue reading When it comes to strange packages from Canada, you can’t be too safe

Men: Consequences you can expect from really bad pick-up lines

(Because you can never emphasize enough the importance of avoiding these kinds of ridiculous pick-up lines, especially since my oldest daughter is now out on her own in the dating world, I decided to post this column from a couple of years ago as a public service message. Trust me: It could save lives…)

image I’ve been ridiculously happily married for almost 10 years now, so the singles bar scene is a long-forgotten memory. Or maybe just a deeply repressed one. At least it was until yesterday, when a friend came to town and invited me out for a quick beer. As we began catching up over Dos Eques, we couldn’t help but overhear a series of pick-up lines being exchanged by a group of 20-somethings who — at least in their minds, and thanks to several happy-hour pilsners each — had assembled a list of clever lines no woman could resist. Assuming, of course, the women in question were all desperate to gain U.S. Citizenship.

As a service to single men everywhere, and in particular to that group of 20-somethings once they’ve sobered up, I felt obligated to jot down some of those horrible pick-up lines and explain — through a “trial” and “error” format — what they can expect should the words actually leave their mouths in the general direction of an actual living female, intoxicated or otherwise. Continue reading Men: Consequences you can expect from really bad pick-up lines

Unofficially, I think I made it through — thanks to all of you

image To my surprise, I woke up this morning to find myself poised within one of the top five positions. I know how that sounds, and I promise it has nothing to do with something my wife would rather not talk about and even sooner just forget. I’m referring to the Performance of the Year voting that began last night at The Public Blogger, where I’m one of 11 nominees for this year’s award. I’m the only humorist in a collective that includes artists, poets, photographers, writers and singer/songwriters. I’ve always been a strong believer in the importance of humor, so to be counted among this group of talented artists from around the globe sort of validates something I’ve said all along:

Humorists can make a difference, especially if they have a current food handler’s card.

Though it’s still a couple of hours until voting ends at 10 a.m. (PST), it looks as though I will make it through the first round of elimination, barring a tie and the need for a dance-off. For everyone whose email and Facebook alerts exploded yesterday from all of my posts showcasing the other 10 nominees, I truly thank you for your patience and participation — and especially your support. According to The Public Blogger, this event had the largest opening-day numbers since the site was established three years ago. Given that the traffic I had here yesterday was nearly equal to being Freshly Pressed, I have to believe all of you had something to do with that opening-day success. Plus, I used the tag “boobs” in all of yesterday’s posts (A trick I learned from Chris De Voss over at Long Awkward Pause.) Continue reading Unofficially, I think I made it through — thanks to all of you

The Voting Booth is Now Open — “Performance of the Year” award

image The voting is now open for the first elimination round of “Performance of the Year” at The Public Blogger. It will continue until 10 a.m. tomorrow (PST). Just click on the image (to my right, which would be your left) and it will take you to the voting site, which includes information about the show, the artists and the elimination process. At the very bottom is a Voting Poll, where you can vote for up to three nominees. Even if they all happen to be named “Ned.”

Weird, I know, but it could happen…

If you get a chance to visit my Facebook page, please “LIKE” my link. Yes, I realize how that sounds and, to be honest, I kind of like it.

Anyway, whether you vote, vote for someone else or not at all, the fact that you’re reading this says a lot. About what, I’m not sure. But I appreciate it nonetheless.

Now please… Go Vote!

Don’t worry — the voting hasn’t started yet

image For anyone who might be panicking thinking the voting for Performance of the Year at The Public Blogger started 30 minutes ago and, thanks to having pre-celebratiry margaritas I passed out before I could post the link so you could vote for that good-looking guy from Hollywood — Don’t worry! He’s not as good looking in person. Or so I hope.

Anyway, the voting was knocked back 30 minutes and is supposed to begin at 7:30 p.m. I will put the link up as soon as it becomes available. I promise!

Assuming I haven’t passed out… Stay tuned!

“Performance of the Year” — The complete list and links to all 11 nominees as voting begins

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In two hours (7 p.m. PST), a special link will go live as the voting begins for 11 nominees vying for the 2015 “Performance of the Year” award at The Public Blogger. This will be the first round of eliminations that will continue until the winner is announced Dec. 30. This mix of nominated artists includes writers, photographers, hip-hop singers, poets and one humorist (for those with a weak heart, I won’t draw out the suspense and just let you know it’s me). Since yesterday, I’ve been featuring the works of my fellow nominees here and on my Facebook page because:

1) Giving as many people as possible the chance to see their terrific work is the right thing to do
2) It’s a real honor to be among this group. Period.
3) If I get voted out, I’m hoping for the “Congeniality Performance” award Continue reading “Performance of the Year” — The complete list and links to all 11 nominees as voting begins

Kelly Lewis — “Performance of the Year” nominee — (Los Angeles, Ca.)

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The first round of voting for this year’s “Performance of the Year” begins TONIGHT at 7 p.m. (Pacific) at The Public Blogger. As I mentioned earlier, it’s sort of like the blogging world’s version of The Oscars, with a little American Idle thrown in. Except we all agree Ryan Seacrest is a little creepy.

Anyway, there are 11 nominees, and one of us will be voted out each week until Dec. 30, beginning with the first round of voting tonight.

Yesterday, I began featuring each of the other nominees so you get a chance to see their work. There are five genres represented — artists, writers, photographers and singers. Oh, and one humorist. For the sake of argument, let’s just say it’s me.

Please take the opportunity to vote tonight, even if it’s not for me. Details are at the bottom of this post… along with detailed instructions on where to find my remains if I am voted out tonight. But please don’t let that influence your decision when you vote.

In the meantime, meet poet and artistic collaborator Kelly Lewis… Continue reading Kelly Lewis — “Performance of the Year” nominee — (Los Angeles, Ca.)

Anew Duo — “Performance of the Year” nominee (Chicago, Ill.)

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The first round of voting for this year’s “Performance of the Year” begins TONIGHT at 7 p.m. (Pacific) at The Public Blogger. As I mentioned earlier, it’s sort of like the blogging world’s version of The Oscars, with a little American Idle thrown in. Which is better than throwing in “Bachelor in Paradise” because this would be an entirely different kind of awards show.

Anyway, there are 11 nominees, and one of us will be voted out each week until Dec. 30, beginning with the first round of voting tonight.

Yesterday, I began featuring each of the other nominees so you get a chance to see their work. There are five genres represented — artists, writers, photographers and singers. Oh, and one humorist. Probably because more than one could lead to disaster.

Please take the opportunity to vote tonight, even if it’s not for me. Details are at the bottom of this post… along with a printable $1 off coupon for Burger King’s new “Black Bunned Whopper,” which is naturally larger than the white-bunned Whopper. No need to thank me or let this influence your vote in any way.

In the meantime, meet Christian hip-hop recording artists Anew Duo… Continue reading Anew Duo — “Performance of the Year” nominee (Chicago, Ill.)

The Music of STEIS — “Performance of ther Year” nominee (Boston, Mass.)

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The first round of voting for this year’s “Performance of the Year” begins TONIGHT at 7 p.m. (Pacific) at The Public Blogger. As I mentioned earlier, it’s sort of like the blogging world’s version of The Oscars, with a little American Idle thrown in. Which is good, because if it was The Rap Awards my hip-hop name “2-White-2-Rap” would get me thrown out.

Anyway, there are 11 nominees, and one of us will be voted out each week until Dec. 30, beginning with the first round of voting tonight.

Yesterday, I began featuring each of the other nominees so you get a chance to see their work. There are five genres represented — artists, writers, photographers and singers. Oh, and one humorist. (There must be some kind of quota.)

Please take the opportunity to vote tonight, even if it’s not for me. Details are at the bottom of this post… as well as an elementary school photo of me with braces, buck teeth and rainbow suspenders that were often used for tying me up in the boys bathroom. But please — don’t let the torment of my youth influence your decision when you vote.

In the meantime, meet singer, songwriter and recording artist STEIS… Continue reading The Music of STEIS — “Performance of ther Year” nominee (Boston, Mass.)

Oscar Alejandro Plascencia — “Performance of the Year” nominee (La Puente, Ca.)

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The first round of voting for this year’s “Performance of the Year” begins TONIGHT at 7 p.m. (Pacific) at The Public Blogger. As I mentioned earlier, it’s sort of like the blogging world’s version of The Oscars, with a little American Idle thrown in. Except we don’t let Paula Abdul spike her Coke with Jack Daniels.

Anyway, there are 11 nominees, and one of us will be voted out each week until Dec. 30, beginning with the first round of voting tonight.

Yesterday, I began featuring each of the other nominees so you get a chance to see their work. There are five genres represented — artists, writers, photographers and singers. Oh, and one humorist. (I won’t make you guess because it would be embarrassing for us both if you get it wrong).

Please take the opportunity to vote tonight, even if it’s not for me. Details are at the bottom of this post… along with a photo of the many homeless kittens I have saved through my religious outreach program that also feeds hungry children around the world and provides Perrier water to Californians. But don’t let that influence your decision when you vote.

In the meantime, meet artist and evocative poet Oscar Alejandro Plascencia… Continue reading Oscar Alejandro Plascencia — “Performance of the Year” nominee (La Puente, Ca.)