Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

Seven more minutes of childhood; a father’s wish for his daughter the morning of 9-11

I’ll never forget how I felt this day 13 years ago as an American, a firefighter and as a father — and how each held its own kind of hurt that has never completely healed. But of the three, being a father watching the sparkle in my then six-year-old daughter’s eyes noticeably fade just a bit continues to be the memory that lingers most…

image My alarm clock went off the same as it always did back then, coming to life with the morning news — my preference over the annoying, high-pitched alternative of chatter. Instinctively, I swatted the snooze button and bought myself another seven minutes of sleep.

In the years since, I’ve thought a lot about those seven minutes, and how the simple push of a button postponed a bitter reality for just a little longer. When the news came on again, word of the first airliner crashing into the World Trade Center stopped my hand just short of another seven minutes of blissful ignorance — a time span that now seems like an eternity.

Lying there, listening to the details, I regretted not pushing the button one more time.

A hundred more times.

A thousand.

In that same moment, I also understood that the impassive gaze of terrorism could only be averted for so long, and that, eventually, I’d have to meet it — along with the questioning gaze of my daughter. Continue reading Seven more minutes of childhood; a father’s wish for his daughter the morning of 9-11

Consequences you can expect from horrible pick-up lines

image I’ve been ridiculously happily married for almost 10 years now, so the singles bar scene is a long-forgotten memory. Or maybe just a deeply repressed one. At least it was until yesterday, when a friend came to town and invited me out for a quick beer. As we began catching up over Dos Equis, we couldn’t help but overhear a series of pick-up lines being exchanged by a group of 20-somethings who — at least in their minds, and thanks to several happy-hour pilsners each — had assembled a list of clever lines no woman could resist. Assuming, of course, the women in question were all desperate to gain U.S. Citizenship.

As a service to single men everywhere, and in particular to that group of 20-somethings once they’ve sobered up, I felt obligated to jot down some of those horrible pick-up lines and explain — through a “trial” and “error” format — what they can expect should the words actually leave their mouths in the general direction of an actual living female, intoxicated or otherwise. Continue reading Consequences you can expect from horrible pick-up lines

Not all who wander are lost — they might be looking for their car

image As I’ve mentioned on more than one occasion, I’m severely directionally challenged. I have admitted this openly, without shame, in hopes that I might be an inspiration to those out there who, at this very moment, might be looking up at the Seattle Space Needle and wondering:

When was this thing moved to Atlanta?

I specifically mention the Space Needle because experts suggest that people who are easily lost should use landmarks as a way of maintaining a sense of direction in unfamiliar territory. For me, this means staying keenly aware of my surroundings while, at the same time, avoiding eye contact with anyone who might actually be willing to offer directions. Though some think this stems from my stubborn streak, it’s really more about avoiding a conversation that begins something like this:

Hi there. I seem to be lost. Can you tell me the easiest way out of the parking lot?

This is no exaggeration; I actually did get turned around in an unfamiliar parking lot this week. That’s because I made the mistake of not retracing my exact steps back to the car. Instead, I took the nearest exit leading from the building and proceeded directly outside which, for me, was like walking into the “Upside-Down Room” at the House of Mystery. I eventually discovered that I was at the complete opposite end of the parking lot from where I came in — but not before my wandering caught the attention of at least three people who stopped to ask if my car had been stolen. Continue reading Not all who wander are lost — they might be looking for their car

Children’s photos sure to give you a Long Awkward Pause

Because tomorrow is National Grandparents Day, and we know our grandparents would never say anything bad about any photo of their grandchildren, I and the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause will say it for them during this week’s Saturday Six.

You’re welcome, Grandparents…

1. Ballerina And The Game Twister Combined

image

BrainRants: This one’s a future Russian weightlifter. Or Oompa Loompa

Omawarisan: There’s so much here! Here’s what I’m settling on. This kid has huge hands. Her hands are like white baseball gloves.

Ned: I believe this is the earliest known photo of John Wayne Gacy.

(I hate to say it, but we have more examples of children who are probably in therapy now thanks to photos like this. If you’re missing one from your album, chances are it’s on this week’s Saturday Six at Long Awkward Pause…)

Every writer needs perseverance. And maybe a monkey.

image It’s Friday, and that can only mean ONE THING! No, the other thing. The one after being payday. Ok, and the weekend, but before it being the day they show reruns of Family Ties on the Oxygen Channel…

No, I’m not talking about changing the cat box. Or cleaning the lint trap in your dryer…

Fine. I can tell by your blank expressions we have lost all momentum here, so I’ll just tell you Friday is that special day each week when I share my Nickel’s Worth on Writing!

No, that was really it, I promise. In fact, Publisher’s Weekly has called my NWOW “…writing tips worth every nickel, at least in Mexico…” and what The Master of Horror® Stephen King has heralded as “…insights every writer should know. Preferably by the third grade.”

But enough accolades!

As many of you know, I’ve been working on a project collecting the last two years of NWOW posts into an eBook that is part writing tips, part writer’s survival guide. What some of you may not know is that I have the technological IQ of a chimp. Ok, ALL of you knew that — and you’re probably right: I shouldn’t assume all chimpanzees are incapable of creating an eBook. Regardless, the process has reminded me of how important perseverance is as a writer and how, as writers, having a chimpanzee capable of tearing apart a laptop with its bare hands could be really therapeutic. Continue reading Every writer needs perseverance. And maybe a monkey.

Remember when the school supply list was just a Pee Chee?

[Still looking for that pair of No. 2 red-handled safety scissors required for Mrs. Flunkum’s eighth-grade algebraic lit. class? You’re not alone. As government spending on education has gotten smaller, school supply lists have grown to the size of a Nasa space mission checklist. Never mind that Nasa doesn’t actually go into space anymore. The point is, this week’s Wednesday Rewind doesn’t require a protractor…]

Education Secretary Arnie Duncan promises no child's will get left behind when it comes to getting a Pee Chee folder.
Education Secretary Arnie Duncan promises no child will get left behind when it comes to getting a Pee Chee folder.
When I was a kid, our school supply list consisted of a Star Wars notebook and a Pee Chee folder. The notebook helped us organize our assignments; the Pee-Chee folder was used for entertaining ourselves during class by drawing thought balloons for the athletes on the cover.

Football Guy: (Getting tackled) “Oh sure — run the old L-42 play, THAT always works…”
Tennis Girl: “If my skirt gets any shorter, I’ll be playing Olympic volleyball…”

You get the idea.

Just about everyone remembers this folder because, like Al Sharpton’s hair gel, it has remained virtually unchanged since 1964. What has changed, however, is the growing list of items parents must provide throughout the school year. This comes in addition to rudimentary things, such as clothing, snacks and a recent urine sample. The reason is simple: The government is tired of wasteful spending, particularly in the educational system, where a special task force has discovered that schools routinely get bilked into spending thousands of dollars on paper alone.

“And, shockingly, most of this paper has turned out to be blank,” said Education Secretary Arne Duncan. Continue reading Remember when the school supply list was just a Pee Chee?

School has started and my kids have become pod people

Honey, I don't think the kids' alarms were set for school...
“Hey, Honey? I don’t think the kids’ alarms went off for school!”
Now that school is back in session, we have settled into our normal routine here at the Hickson household. This routine is based on a strict time schedule that my wife and I have developed over the years to ensure that, each morning at precisely 7 a.m., all hell breaks loose. This includes — but isn’t limited to — at least one person (or family pet) running through the house in boxer shorts, and my daughter locking the bathroom door for some “quiet time” while heating a Pop-Tart with her hair dryer.

Though we know this pandemonium could be avoided by just getting up a little earlier, the fact is, my wife and I are the only morning people in our family. As anyone in this situation already knows, this is sort of like being the only lambs at a coyote picnic. Continue reading School has started and my kids have become pod people

Weird manicures that will give you a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday! That means I’m with the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause for this week’s Saturday Six, which is a collection of items (…yep, six of them) that are awkward and loosely related. How awkward and loosely related? Let’s just say if the S6 were adoptable children, even Brad and Angelina wouldn’t take them in.

This week’s topic: Painted nails that will make you cuddle your cuticles for comfort…

1. Edward Scissornails

image

BrainRants: I approve of this because Edward Scissorhands is creepy, and creepy shit is awesome.

Omawarisan: How do you use toilet paper if you’ve got Edward Scissornails?

Jack: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye – because you went to brush your hair out of your face and you have 9 minature scissors on your fingertips.

Ned: Edward Scissorhands or not, it seems to me these nails would make it hard to trim your bush.

(In the mood for a One Direction manicure yet? No? See how you feel after seeing these next examples at Long Awkward Pause…)

Establishing a regular writing routine will shape your literary thighs

Welcome to this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing! This will be the third and final excerpt from my upcoming eBook, which I have cleverly titled: Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing. This will help distinguish it from other books on writing, such as “Bob’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing” or “Bubba’s Nickel’s Worth on Righting.” So as I put the final touches on my manuscript, I’d like to offer this hand-picked excerpt of writing wisdom that Publisher’s Weekly is already calling, “Insightfulness that is a rare combination akin to having a Big Mac and carrot salad…”

Bike typewriter copy In a way, establishing a writing routine is a lot like going to the gym. Except that you don’t get sweaty, never leave a seated position and, unless you write romance or erotica, you probably won’t increase your heart rate much.

But aside from that, it’s just like going to the gym.

When I first started writing in an actual newsroom, my routine consisted of sitting at my desk, staring blankly at the screen and banging on my keys as quickly as possible until it was time to go home, where I would do my actual writing.

Why did I do this?

I was intimidated. On either side of me, journalists were typing feverishly — seemingly non-stop — while I sat waiting for inspiration. My brain was still hardwired for waiting until the kids were asleep before slinking off into the study/laundry room to do my writing, as long as nothing else needed to be done. I was a single parent of two children under the age of 10 at the time, so there was always something else that needed to be done.

Continue reading Establishing a regular writing routine will shape your literary thighs

Then there’s that time I was attacked by a wooden lion…

Since changing my Facebook image yesterday afternoon, a lot of folks have been asking about the story behind the photo, which is of me getting sucker punched by a wooden lion. For those who know me, it really shouldn’t seem out of the ordinary. Regardless, for those who missed it — or those who just like seeing me get punched by a lion (please, show some decorum) — here’s the true story behind the photo…
___________________________________________________________________

image It’s been nearly 40 years since my third-grade teacher, Mrs. Flunkem, wrote the following remark in red ink on my report card:

Unstructured time is a challenge for Ned.

After reading this, my mother looked at me and said, “Since when did filling your unstructured time become a challenge?”

And things haven’t really changed since then. I can honestly say, through sheer luck and determination, I have put myself in a position to have what I’m sure Mrs. Flunkem would consider entirely too much unstructured time. Fortunately for me, my wife disagrees with Mrs. Flunkem and encourages me to make the most of it.

How?

By saying things like, “Hey Honey! Look at that wooden lion over there!” Continue reading Then there’s that time I was attacked by a wooden lion…