Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

Now that I’ve tackled my freezer, I’m ready for Mt. Everest

image You may find it hard to believe, but I’ve come close to losing my life 23 times in avalanches. Each incident was absolutely terrifying. Each incident had me wondering if I’d be found in time.

And each incident occurred while standing in front of the refrigerator when the freezer door fell open.

The last time was less than a week ago, while I was looking for my water bottle. One minute, I was poised in the soft glow of the refrigerator light satisfying my thirst; the next minute I was buried beneath chicken drumsticks, hamburger patties, fruit-flavored Popsicles, and a frozen Tofurkey left over from our healthy food kick back in the late 1990s. Continue reading Now that I’ve tackled my freezer, I’m ready for Mt. Everest

Invisible Man denies being no-show on Capitol Hill

Image courtesy of my friends at The Grimm Report
Image courtesy of my friends at The Grimm Report

(A special report as Chief Political Correspondent for my friends at The Grimm Report )

In a surprise move earlier this week, President Obama appointed Dr. Jack Griffin, better known as “The Invisible Man,” to be a special mediator to hasten talks between democrats and republicans on Capitol Hill. The appointment was called the “ultimate move in transparency” by Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid. That sentiment was not shared by Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell, who called the move “Hollow.”

Monday, things got off to a rocky start when Griffin, arriving in a three-piece suit and his customary head-bandage wrap, was detained and strip-searched by security until a full background check could be completed.

“It was not racial profiling,” insisted Capitol Building security director Bill Schlepindorf. “We just thought he was lost.”

Read more at The Grimm Report

What says ‘thirsty’ better than a sweaty humor columnist?

image As I’m sure you can imagine, being a humor columnist, I am constantly working up a sweat. In fact, I can already feel perspiration forming. By the end of this paragraph, I will be a drippy, sweat-stained mess. Most people don’t know it can take hours to finish a column. The reason has nothing to do with procrastination, writer’s block or even the ability to Google history of Star Wars universe; many of us humor columnists simply become too sweaty to operate our keyboards without sliding off and potentially endangering ourselves and others. Newsrooms everywhere understand this, which is why we are often placed in special cubicles that are refrigerated.

Or at the very least equipped with a drain pan.

Yet somehow, beverage companies continue to overlook us as potential thirst-quenching icons when developing trendy ad campaigns. Chances are, you’ll never see a commercial featuring a humor columnist at a keyboard with green Gatorade streaming out of every pore in his body. Or witness a humor columnist emerge from a droplet of Propel fitness water and do a back flip out of an office chair (which we often do, by the way, sometimes for no reason at all.) That’s because our segment of the beverage-buying market is considered too small to worry about, even though, as analysts have shown, it is a powerful one, at least in terms of odor. Continue reading What says ‘thirsty’ better than a sweaty humor columnist?

The excitement over my book is tangible…

Another piece of my multi-pronged marketing strategy to build excitement about my book. As you can see, the excitement is tangible...
Another piece of my multi-pronged marketing strategy to build excitement about my book. As you can see, the fervor is tangible…

Wait… This isn’t Comic-Con?

I’m reporting live from the Florence Festival of Books, where I arrived to find a crowd waiting at my booth! I should mention it also happenes to be located next to the restrooms. Apparently, someone had forgotten to unlock the door, so the crowd quickly dissipated once the janitor showed up. Still, I have gotten one pre-order, which I think is a reflection of may marketing savvy…

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As an extra enticement, I am offering a bite from the corners for anyone who orders two or more copies of Humor at the Speed of Life. Needless to say, I expect those corners to go fast.

imageI will be bringing you live updates throughout the day, using my scone as a measure of my success. If you’re in Florence this afternoon, stop by for my reading at 3 p.m. If you’re not in Florence, start driving now…

Yes, I pretty much did my own stunts for this book cover

image As with firefighting, when it came to creating my book cover, I insisted on doing my own stunts. In this case, it meant gripping the top of a race car speeding in excess of 120 mph while simultaneously — and this was the tricky part — not messing up my hair. Oh, and I also had to hold up a cardboard sign with my free hand. We considered the idea of holding the sign between my teeth, but that idea was scrapped on the first attempt after driving through a cloud of mosquitos…

OK, fine. None of that really happened. But I would almost rather risk my life on the hood of a speeding car with a mouth full of mosquitos than promote my book, which I’ll be doing for the first time this weekend at a local book festival. It’s not that I’m one of those authors who likes to write about — but who doesn’t like being around — actual people. In fact, I am very much a people person. Not in a Hannibal Lector kind of way, but because I truly enjoy talking with and meeting new people. My anxiety over attending the book festival also has nothing to do with any fear of talking in front of large crowd, or in my case, a handful of strangers looking for the restroom as I read excerpts from my book. The truth is, I volunteer as a host for several community fundraising events each year, so being in front of a crowd — or even several confused strangers — isn’t the issue.

So what is? Continue reading Yes, I pretty much did my own stunts for this book cover

Your home’s underbelly is no place to be manly

image There comes a time in every man’s life when he must set an example for his son by crawling under the house to fix something. This must be done with apparent fearlessness even though he knows whatever needs fixing is going to be located in the darkest corner of the home’s underbelly, probably behind a spider web the size of a commercial fishing net.

Several years ago, I used plywood to seal up the underside of our home and stop what I suspected were nightly “rave” parties hosted by our cat. These parties generally started around 11:30 p.m. and were held directly beneath our bedroom floor, where it sounded like 20 cats playing Twister. Naturally, I had no choice but to break up these parties by getting out of bed and shoving our 60-lb. Labrador headfirst through the crawl space in our closet floor.

My point is this: Sealing things up stopped the cat parties. Unfortunately, it also turned the crawl space under our home into a frightening black void where, thanks to evolution, a species of hairy, sightless, spider-like rodents with large fangs and the ability to mobilize telepathically has nested, colonizing into the hundreds.

Possibly even thousands.

I know this because I’ve shined a flashlight down there and — this is not an exaggeration — I’m pretty sure I saw something move. Continue reading Your home’s underbelly is no place to be manly

In case you’re looking, I moved… The Door

This is my brain on caffeine and AC/DC. See? Nothing.
This is my brain on caffeine and AC/DC. See? Nothing.
I often listen to AC/DC when I’m writing, especially if it’s early in the morning. At this particular moment, “For Those About to Rock” is thundering toward its big finish as guitars, vocals and drums whip the live audience into a frenzy. On most mornings, that — along with coffee, and lots of it — is enough to engage my brain. But the moment I tried sticking the ear phone jack into my left ear canal instead of my iPad, I knew something was wrong, and that even AC/DC wasn’t going to help me this morning.

Some of you know, in addition to being a columnist, I’m also a volunteer firefighter. Though it’s been quiet lately, last night we had two tap outs. The first was at 10 p.m. for a small wildfire that took us a couple of hours to put out. The next call was a structure fire at 1 a.m. that turned out to be a false alarm. Final bed time: 1:45 a.m.

When my alarm went off at 4:45, I put my pants on backwards and slid my feet into my wife’s high heels.

Things pretty much went downhill from there. Continue reading In case you’re looking, I moved… The Door

NO, it doesn’t bother me my dog has more selfie requests than I do

"To all my fans, especially that little sheltie next door." — Stanley
“To all my fans, especially that little sheltie next door.” — Love, Stanley
Maybe it’s the strong nose. Or the full lips and scruffy grey beard. Or possibly the big, brown bedroom eyes. Whatever the reason, since Saturday’s post, I have been inundated with requests for “full body” shots…

…of my dog, Stanley.

In fact, within 10 minutes of posting a shot of his nose, my dog surpassed the number of “selfie” requests I have received since joining Twitter three months ago. It doesn’t matter my only request came from a spam link to a senior citizens dating website called “Old Dogs Seeking New Tricks.”

What matters is that I have been unable to shake a stalker called “Granny C-Pap.” Continue reading NO, it doesn’t bother me my dog has more selfie requests than I do

Learning to accept your dog’s snoring problem could save your life

image At three o’clock this morning I propped myself up on my elbows, removed my ear plugs, looked directly at our dog and delivered the following ultimatum:

This has to STOP.

My wife turned to me and quietly said I’d need to speak up if I wanted to be heard over the dog’s snoring. Admittedly, it was my bright idea to have Stanley sleep in our room. That’s because, when he was a puppy, he was prone to chew up things we might leave out overnight.

Such as the living room or kitchen.

However, at nine years old, his snoring now sounds like a 250-pound man sleeping-off a three-day bender. Part of Stanley’s problem is genetics. Being half Shar-pei, he has a lot of loose skin and wrinkles. He essentially looks like a chocolate Labrador in need of ironing. In desperation, we took him to the vet, who told us that the loose skin around his face causes him to snore.

I’m not sure why he told us this, but I think there’s a good chance Stanley has the same problem. Continue reading Learning to accept your dog’s snoring problem could save your life