Tag: Culture

Mineral water could make CSI: Ashland hard to swallow

Crime_Scene_2011a copy As you might’ve noticed, police dramas involving any type of forensic investigation are extremely popular. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this type of crime show because you’re serving time in a Turkish prison, it’s when old-fashioned detective work—in combination with high-tech science—is conducted by really attractive people who would otherwise be getting into water balloon fights at the Playboy Mansion.

This formula has proven so popular that every major network now carries at least one of these shows (Not counting the WB, which cancelled its plans for CSI: Pennsylvania after test audiences complained that watching Quaker detectives chase villains in pony carts was “really boring.”) Continue reading Mineral water could make CSI: Ashland hard to swallow

Monday should always start with a comatose computer

Frustrated_man_at_a_desk_(cropped) Sometime between Sunday afternoon and Monday morning, my computer slipped from its normal “sleep mode” and into a deep coma. This became apparent after hitting the space bar and getting no reaction whatsoever, not counting a low-pitched whirring sound that — if I didn’t know better — I could swear was snoring.

Realizing there might be a serious problem, I gathered all of my computer troubleshooting experience and, over the course of the next 10 minutes, applied that experience by hitting the space bar no less than 400 times. When that didn’t work, I unplugged the computer and plugged it back in. Tried a different outlet. Switched keyboards. Wiggled my mouse. Considered finding a different occupation, preferably one involving explosives. I eventually realized the only thing left to do was call the Help Line listed in the service manual and hope someone there could either (a) talk me through this or (b) talk me down should our conversation move to the rooftop. Continue reading Monday should always start with a comatose computer

Called for jury duty? Don’t forget your tinfoil hat

ap_amish_beard_cutting_trial_nt_120827_wmain There comes a time when we, as U.S. citizens, are called to step forward and — just as Americans have been doing for more than 200 years — devise a lame excuse to get out of jury duty. This time-honored tradition dates back to the very first jury pool, which John Handcock was excused from from jury duty after complaining of “hand cramps of the severest nature.”

As it stands, I’ve been excused from jury duty twice, despite expressing my willingness to serve. For as long as it took. Even if it meant contacting the Mother Ship to ask for more time.

So when my latest summons came in the mail, my first instinct was to make a tinfoil hat with the words, Hello: My Name Is Quandar written across the front which, along with my silver jump suit, can usually get me dismissed in less than 30 minutes (depending on how quickly my tinfoil hat clears security). Continue reading Called for jury duty? Don’t forget your tinfoil hat

Surgeon General’s warning: Eat healthy, lose weight — or fight a mountain lion

1drivethru copy Like many of you, I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the shocking news that obesity had officially become the No. 1 preventable health crisis in the nation. In fact, I can even tell you which super-sized meal I was eating. The truth is, it’s time for us Americans to make some drastic changes in our eating habits before the unthinkable happens, and we’re forced to apologize to the French for throwing the earth off its axis.

With that in mind, we scheduled a Q&A session with the Surgeon General to explain how we got so fat, and what we can do to reverse this trend so that Americans can get back to living a normal, healthy lifestyle cut short by smoking and drinking. Continue reading Surgeon General’s warning: Eat healthy, lose weight — or fight a mountain lion

Teaching public rest room etiquette is difficult when your commode is watching

Robo-urinal Few things can make you look stupid faster than being outsmarted by a public urinal. Especially when it occurs in front of your four-year-old son to whom you are trying to impart rudimentary public rest room etiquette.

I don’t know if potty training is a seasonal thing, like the migration of geese or fluxuating interest in the Kardashians, but I’ve noticed a lot of people talking about potty training their children lately. Apparently, there was a lot more dancing around the May pole nine moths ago than I knew about. Regardless, all this talk about Fruitloops in the toilet got me thinking about my son graduating to the use of a public urinal eight years ago.

We had no problem with the initial stages of our educational process, which began with the proper entrance, i.e., avoid all eye contact and enter the rest room as if you had called ahead and reserved a specific commode. If one isn’t open, go directly to the nearest sink and wash your hands until something becomes available. The trick, of course, is to avoid washing you hands for so long that you appear to have severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. Continue reading Teaching public rest room etiquette is difficult when your commode is watching

Warning labels vs Natural Selection: case in point…

e452855bb7267206a82fba24c16ef6a9_width_600x Less than an hour ago, I posted a column titled, “Are Warning Labels Impeding Natural Selection?” Here is a case-in-point, brought to my attention by a brilliant blogger friend at Love and Anthropology, who offers definitive proof that some of those drowning in the human gene pool shouldn’t get a life preserver…

Are warning labels impeding the natural selection process?

Folding child stroller copyThere was a time when manufacturers included warnings on their products as a way to provide useful information that could potentially save our lives.

Or, at the very least, our eyebrows and/or stomach lining.

However, at some point, that all changed. As far I can tell, it happened about the same time McDonald’s had to cough-up a McMillion dollars to the lady who didn’t realize that spilling hot coffee on yourself while behind the wheel of a car can lead to a condition commonly known as “The Open-Road Lap Dance.”

Taking a deeper look, that condition is really just an extension of the more common rule known as “cause and effect,” which states:

‘Cause I’m dumb enough to place hot coffee next to the most vulnerable spot on my entire body, I am, in effect, going to do something even dumber by spilling it there. Probably before I leave the drive-thru.

Continue reading Are warning labels impeding the natural selection process?

To mark this blogging milestone, I hope you like coffee

Coffee knocked over copy For anyone about to read this, I suggest sitting down and gripping the sides of your chair. And maybe even strapping on a helmet. That’s because this post marks an exciting milestone of COLOSSAL proportions!

No, I’m not writing about the Biggest Loser.

As if it wasn’t enough that this blog began six months ago TODAY, this also happens to be its 100th post!

Mere coincidence? I DON’T THINK SO!

… OK, yeah — it probably is. In fact, I’d guarantee it because, to be honest, I’m just not that organized.

But it’s still worth celebrating, right?!?

As I sat staring bleary-eyed at the monitor sipping my Mexican mocha, contemplating the appropriate way to mark this occasion, inspiration struck! So, some time in the next 10 minutes, each of you will be receiving your very own Mexican mocha! I can’t guarantee it will still be hot, or that the whipped cream won’t have turned to cottage cheese, but I can guarantee, when it arrives, the only person who will be more surprised than you is me. Continue reading To mark this blogging milestone, I hope you like coffee

Finally, some good newz…

Missippi Once again, we are reminded of the importance of Spellcheck in journalism, and why there has never been a “Wheel of Fortune” champion from Mississippi…

‘Bathroom rage’ could soon by clogging court systems

My new 'Rodeo Commode' could solve the growing bathroom rage problem.
My new ‘Rodeo Commode’ could solve the growing bathroom rage problem.
Several years ago I came up with an idea while standing in line for the rest room, which, in this case, was actually a row of six portable toilets set up to meet the needs of approximately 8,000 men, women and children, each of whom had apparently consumed two or more 128-ounce Big Gulps in the previous 20 minutes.

Necessity is the mother of invention. Which is why, as I stood waiting next to a continually running water fountain that was broadcasting every splash over the PA system, I found it necessary to occupy my thoughts with a way to speed up the public commode-using process. This was like trying to take your mind off of having surgery by watching The Medical Channel.

Regardless, it led to a revolutionary idea I call the “Rodeo Commode.” Continue reading ‘Bathroom rage’ could soon by clogging court systems