Tag: life

Take it from me: You can’t run from static electricity

image When I was a kid I had a book called Mysteries of the Unexplained that contained AMAZING BUT TRUE! stories aimed at stirring the imagination, eliciting a sense of wonder, and prolonging the bed-wetting experience by at least three years. I’d huddle beneath the covers with my flashlight and read about strange psychic phenomena documented by real scientists, physicists, private investigators, and the occasional freaked-out paranormal expert who, at the end of the story, usually abandoned his profession to become a plumber:

“Even now, after all these years, I can still feel those icy fingers whenever a cold breeze blows across my butt crack…”

Though the book was mostly about ghosts, aliens, strange disappearances and creepy folklore (“…so stand alone in the dark, if you dare, and hold a mirror while repeating the words Sassafras Sally and prepare to be slapped by a pair of wet tea bags…”), it was spontaneous human combustion that really got to me. I think it’s because, in my mind, ghosts, aliens, strange disappearance and folklore could all be avoided by exercising a little caution. Continue reading Take it from me: You can’t run from static electricity

Your decomposing pumpkin could threaten mankind

(It’s time for this week’s Flashback Sunday! That special day each week when I wait until no one is looking, then dig into the archives for a while before pulling out something very few have seen. Wait! I know how that sounds and I apologize! I also promise I washed my hands before posting this…)

This weekend, watch for falling pumpkins.
I left the house this morning and made an important realization: What I had assumed was a fleece-lined, bright orange sweatshirt laying crumpled on the front steps was actually NOT a garment at all.

It was our jack-o-lantern.

This realization was made while attempting to pick it up. Though my intention was to give my children a stern lecture on taking care of their clothing, I decided instead to scream uncontrollably after grabbing a handful of pumpkin mucus. Somehow, our pumpkin’s aging process had accelerated, causing it to collapse in on itself and sprout white fur — literally — overnight.

This isn’t an isolated incident. Anyone who hasn’t disposed of their jack-o-lantern by now has witnessed this process, which we can all agree defies the natural laws of physics. One morning, your pumpkin’s face is triangle-eyed and gap-toothed as normal. The next morning, it is Buddy Hackett. Continue reading Your decomposing pumpkin could threaten mankind

If calling customer service doesn’t help, try the suicide hotline

image Sometime between yesterday afternoon and this morning, my computer slipped from its normal “sleep mode” and into a deep coma. This became apparent after hitting the space bar and getting no reaction whatsoever, not counting a low-pitched whirring sound that — if I didn’t know better — I could swear was snoring.

Realizing there might be a serious problem, I gathered all of my computer troubleshooting experience and, over the course of the next 10 minutes, applied that experience by hitting the space bar no less than 400 times. When that didn’t work, I unplugged the computer and plugged it back in. Tried a different outlet. Switched keyboards. Wiggled my mouse. Considered finding a different occupation, preferably one involving explosives.

I eventually realized the only thing left to do was call the “Help Line” listed in the service manual and hope someone there could either a) talk me through this or b) talk me down should our conversation move to the rooftop. Continue reading If calling customer service doesn’t help, try the suicide hotline

Today proves The Box is part of a higher power (or someone was high)

I'm not sure if "Skippy" bites. Actually, I'm not even sure if he's a squirrel. Or a "he."
I’m not sure if “Skippy” bites. Actually, I’m not even sure if he’s a squirrel. Or a “he.”
That scream you just heard, depending on you proximity to our newsroom, can only mean one thing! Ok, possibly two, but I haven’t written in the nude for at least a month. That means today’s scream was the result of releasing a wild, blindfolded squirrel into the newsroom.

Why?

Because it’s time once again to randomly choose a photo from our collection of decades-old unclaimed and unidentified photos in The Box here at Siuslaw News.

Before I reveal this week’s photo, I must admit I was shocked that an image of its importance and religious significance had been sitting in The Box for the last 20 to 30 years. I called The Vatican and was told a special team of trained investigators would be dispatched to verify the authenticity of this photo, just as soon as they were done disproving claims that Sean “Puffy” Combs is a deity. “Given that he is the only one to make these claims, it shouldn’t take long,” said the Vatican representative I spoke with. Continue reading Today proves The Box is part of a higher power (or someone was high)

Regular writing can shape your literary thighs

Bike typewriter copy Friday means it’s time for Ned’s Nickel’s Worth On Writing, a weekly post on writing that Writer’s Digest has called “Valued customer.” and “…Long Overdue on payment.”

After last week’s NWOW, which was an interview I gave at R.G. Dole, a lot of you asked about the answer I gave to the final question:

Is it true you are a consultant for E. L. James?

Because I am under contract, I couldn’t answer that question, which brought us to the final, final question and the one people actually asked about:

What advice would you give to a writer who is just starting out?

In my answer, I said establishing a writing routine is crucial, and gave a brief explanation on why it was so important and how to make it happen. Many of you asked me to elaborate on this.

No one asked about my consulting for 50 Shades.

As it turns out, the third post I ever wrote for my weekly NWOW was about the benefits of creating a writing routine, and how those who don’t should be spanked… Continue reading Regular writing can shape your literary thighs

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

Ok, in what is quite possibly the most irrelevant moment in our newsroom so far this year — which is saying a lot — I thought I would share Halloween photos of some folks who work here at Siuslaw News.

Oddly, I took these photos in September… Continue reading … This Just In …

Nose whistling is the heart and soul of any relationship

imageIt’s one of life’s little mysteries, the fact that I can fall asleep in front of the television during a documentary chronicling man’s loudest explosions, yet be kept awake by the sound of my own nose whistling. In my defense, this was a new phenomenon, and something that, under any other circumstances, would have been amusing. However, at 1:30 in the morning, having your nose emit a solid C-major every time you exhale is just plain annoying.

What made matters worse was that I wasn’t alone in my musical endeavors. My wife was also blowing her horn — I’m guessing in E-flat — which, between the two of us, sounded like a pair of jug blowers trying to tune up for the spring dance. Instinctively, I grabbed the earplugs from the nightstand and inserted them. As I quickly discovered, this is a little like covering your ears so you can’t hear yourself sing. I then contemplated the idea of inserting the plugs directly into my nostrils, but decided against it for two reasons.

First, I would be forced to breath through my mouth, which would lead to snoring and bruised ribs.

Secondly, should my mouth somehow fall shut during the night, the resulting pressure would create a pair of high-velocity projectiles ricocheting through our bedroom without warning — the mere thought of which would keep me awake. Continue reading Nose whistling is the heart and soul of any relationship

No pumpkin-carving experience is complete without a near-fatal knife wound

image Carving a jack-o-lantern used to require little more than a pumpkin, an oversized kitchen knife, and a tourniquet. It was a simple matter of plunging a 10-inch French knife into the gourd of your choice and creating a triangle-eyed, square-toothed masterpiece of horror. In those days, the trickiest thing about making your jack-o-lantern was deciding on how to light the candle.

Option one: Light candle, then attempt to lower it into the pumpkin without catching your sleeve on fire.

Option two: Put the candle inside the pumpkin first, then attempt to light it without catching your sleeve on fire.

Option three: Accept the inevitable and just light your sleeve on fire, then go find a candle.

After a quick trip to the emergency room for stitches and some light skin grafting, you could return home and set your jack-o-lantern on the porch, where it would remain until gravity and molecular breakdown eventually caused it to collapse in on itself like the birth of a new star — appropriately enough, usually around Christmas time. Continue reading No pumpkin-carving experience is complete without a near-fatal knife wound

Study reveals male-pattern baldness doesn’t include ears

(Welcome to this week’s edition of Flashback Sunday, which is when we travel back in time to when my only followers were agents from Homeland Security, thanks to my calling Alabama fireworks “the backbone to our nation’s first strike capabilities.” This week’s flashback is an important reminder to all men that a well-laid comb over will go completely unnoticed if it must compete with ear hair that resembles a family of chinchillas…)

If you are a male over 40, chances are your ear hair has grown 2 centimeters since you read this.
If you are a male over 40, chances are your ear hair has grown 2 centimeters since you read this.
What I’m about to tell you may be considered vain. On the other hand, it could also be considered a responsible act of brushfire prevention. I’m talking, of course, about excessive ear and nose hair. I bring this up because of a recent conversation I had with someone who wanted to express his opinion on…

Something.

To be honest, I can’t remember what it was because I couldn’t overlook the fact that he appeared to have a chinchilla stuck in each ear.

I tried to be a good listener.

Tried to look reflective.

At least until I realized saliva had pooled in my open mouth.

As you might expect, this person was a male over the age of 40, which seems to be about the time follicles in men’s ears and noses begin producing hair at an alarming rate. I say alarming because I’ve heard of men purposely growing enough ear and nose hair to make a comb over. Continue reading Study reveals male-pattern baldness doesn’t include ears

Now that I’ve tackled my freezer, I’m ready for Mt. Everest

image You may find it hard to believe, but I’ve come close to losing my life 23 times in avalanches. Each incident was absolutely terrifying. Each incident had me wondering if I’d be found in time.

And each incident occurred while standing in front of the refrigerator when the freezer door fell open.

The last time was less than a week ago, while I was looking for my water bottle. One minute, I was poised in the soft glow of the refrigerator light satisfying my thirst; the next minute I was buried beneath chicken drumsticks, hamburger patties, fruit-flavored Popsicles, and a frozen Tofurkey left over from our healthy food kick back in the late 1990s. Continue reading Now that I’ve tackled my freezer, I’m ready for Mt. Everest