Tag: musings

Kids coloring books that will give you a Long Awkward Pause

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Not me! That’s because I’m with the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause for this week’s Saturday Six — which is when each of us comments on six strange but loosely related things. Sort of like the Brady kids. This week’s subject? Corrupted coloring books…

1. Fire Ant?

cbook1

Omawarisan: Dermatologists recommend a wide brimmed hat and sunscreen that is at least SPF 35.

List of X: I still have no idea what color is Burnt Umber, but at least now I know what color Burned Ant is.

BrainRants: Perfectly illustrates the twisted relationship between ants and magnifying glasses. A+

Ned: Maybe next time he’ll have the decency to wear some clothes and hide that third antenna.

(Trust me, it gets weirder. So bring your Crayons and meet me for more at Long Awkward Pause…)

Forget meteors and zombies — Giant rabbits are world’s biggest threat

image As a journalist, I’m trained to recognize the most subtle signs of trouble:

A misspoken word.

A reluctant glance.

A horde of slobbering rabbits.

Thanks to my training and experience, and several highlighted newspaper clippings sent in by concerned readers, I have painstakingly pieced together what I, as a member of the conservative media, believe is undeniable evidence that rabbits are planning to take over the world.

How?

By radiating themselves and producing offspring roughly the size of Volkswagen Beatles. Continue reading Forget meteors and zombies — Giant rabbits are world’s biggest threat

Passive/aggressive problem solving worth a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday! And as if that wasn’t enough good news, I’m with the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause commenting on the Saturday Six — a weekly collection of six awkward but loosely related images that will leave you scratching your head. Unless you’re a guy, in which case you’ll probably be scratching your… uh… belly. This week’s S6 theme is those helpful passive/aggressive notes that say one thing but mean something else entirely. Think of it as kicking off the political campaign season! Here’s our first example:

1. It’s All About The Bass

image
 BrainRants: Code for, ‘I have to get up sometime tomorrow, so if you think that’s important, you’ll go downstairs and risk your life over this problem.‘  Passive aggressive b***h.

Omawarisan: This situation calls for fighting fire with fire, not a note. If stereo guy is coming in at three, he’s probably really sleeping well about 6:30-7. Rise up, don’t hide!

singlegirlie: Sounds like someone’s looking for treble.

Calahan: At one time, this is a note I would have left. Now that I’m a little older (and, yes, wiser) I know that the best remind myself that we Americans are free to do as we please, listen to whatever music we choose, keep what hours we want. Then, I slash the guy’s tires when I know he’s sleeping. *POP* *HISSSssssss….*

Ned: I think instead of a note, which seems childish, I would’ve taken a more mature approach by rallying my neighbors to all have excruciatingly loud monkey sex every time he closes the door to his apartment.

(Too passive? Overly aggressive? Just right if you happen to be a serial killer? We’ve got more examples over at LAP!)

Once the food in your refrigerator becomes self aware, no one is safe

People often get us confused because we look so much alike, but Sean is on the right.
People often get us confused because we look so much alike, but Sean is on the right.
As a tribute to my friend and fellow firefighter who is officially retiring today after 25 years, I’d like to offer this story from a few years ago as a testament to his bravery, dedication and complete lack of refrigerator cleanliness skills. Though I’ll miss having him on the nozzle when the flames are showing, I find comfort knowing he can turn his attention to serving the community in other ways, such as cleaning out his fridge more often to prevent another attack from self-aware gravy.

Thank you for your service, your mentorship and for being my friend.

But seriously, Sean — you really need to watch it with the food spores…

_____________________________________________________________

Admittedly, the closest I have been to an actual military “hot zone” was when, on a grey August day in 1977, my Cub Scout troop was deployed to sell candy on the same block as the Girl Scouts. Our prime objective was Hilltop Road, which was a critical strategic vector. At least in terms of foot traffic. Because our troop transport had overheated in the Carl’s Jr. drive-thru, the Girl Scouts had already claimed the high ground next to a busy movie theater. Outnumbered and without tactical advantage, we implemented our most effective defensive strategy, which was to form a tight perimeter directly behind 220-pound Billy Schlependorf. Continue reading Once the food in your refrigerator becomes self aware, no one is safe

As tans fade for Oregonians, risk of being mistaken for corpse increases

image Before long, those of us who live here in the great Northwest are going to change. And when I say “change,” I don’t mean for the betterment of mankind. I mean from a healthy tan to having a skin tone similar to tofu. That’s because, in a matter of weeks, the only sunshine we’ll see for the next six months is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise. For Oregonians, this is the time of year when we cover our firewood, weatherproof the house, and promise to stay in touch with new friends made during the summer who, by late October, have decided to move back to El Ranchito, Calif.

But for those who stick it out (or those without four-wheel drive who are simply stuck), it means finding an alternative to the sun so that we can retain at least some semblance of a tan. And let me just say that it has absolutely nothing to do with vanity. It does, however, have everything to do with a collective fear shared by all Oregonians — which is of drinking too many cocktails on a flight to Portland, passing out, missing the connection, then getting buried alive after being mistaken for a corpse by a Miami Customs official.

Hey, it could happen. Continue reading As tans fade for Oregonians, risk of being mistaken for corpse increases

Six pizza-inspired inventions worth a Long Awkward Pause

Like every Saturday, I’m over at Long Awkward Pause with the rest of the gang making comments about The Saturday Six, which is a collection of six weird images that are related by theme. Sometimes even by blood. Although to keep our PG-rating, we stopped accepting family portraits sent from Alabama. This week’s theme is pizza-inspired inventions, such as in this first example…

1. Pizza Cup Keyboard!

 

image

 BrainRants: Not pictured with beer… disapproved.

Omawarisan: Is there an option for Sicilian pizza?

Ned: I wonder how many times I’d stick my thumbs into the pizza trying to hit the space bar?

(Would you like more examples of deep-dish crazy? We’ll even throw in free breadsticks! Then join me for another slice over at Long Awkward Pause…)

Is your manuscript in its eighth trimester? It may be time to induce

image Though I’m still working on the eBook version of my Nickel’s Worth on Writing, that doesn’t mean I’ll be using it as an excuse to stop posting my weekly NWOW. No way! I’ll use a fictitious illness for that. Speaking of fictitious, this weekly feature was recently recognized by Publisher’s Weekly as offering “A level of writing insightfulness rarely seen outside of mental [writing] institutions…”

But enough accolades!

Let’s face it, editing the second draft of your story or manuscript is like a visit to the proctologist: You want it to go quickly; you want to avoid too much grimacing; and you know before you get started there’s going to be too much crammed in. Yet statistics show that early detection of grammatical “polyps” is the most effective way to prevent the spread of bad writing.

But apparently not horrible analogies like this one. Continue reading Is your manuscript in its eighth trimester? It may be time to induce

Not all who wander are lost — they might be looking for their car

image As I’ve mentioned on more than one occasion, I’m severely directionally challenged. I have admitted this openly, without shame, in hopes that I might be an inspiration to those out there who, at this very moment, might be looking up at the Seattle Space Needle and wondering:

When was this thing moved to Atlanta?

I specifically mention the Space Needle because experts suggest that people who are easily lost should use landmarks as a way of maintaining a sense of direction in unfamiliar territory. For me, this means staying keenly aware of my surroundings while, at the same time, avoiding eye contact with anyone who might actually be willing to offer directions. Though some think this stems from my stubborn streak, it’s really more about avoiding a conversation that begins something like this:

Hi there. I seem to be lost. Can you tell me the easiest way out of the parking lot?

This is no exaggeration; I actually did get turned around in an unfamiliar parking lot this week. That’s because I made the mistake of not retracing my exact steps back to the car. Instead, I took the nearest exit leading from the building and proceeded directly outside which, for me, was like walking into the “Upside-Down Room” at the House of Mystery. I eventually discovered that I was at the complete opposite end of the parking lot from where I came in — but not before my wandering caught the attention of at least three people who stopped to ask if my car had been stolen. Continue reading Not all who wander are lost — they might be looking for their car

Remember when the school supply list was just a Pee Chee?

[Still looking for that pair of No. 2 red-handled safety scissors required for Mrs. Flunkum’s eighth-grade algebraic lit. class? You’re not alone. As government spending on education has gotten smaller, school supply lists have grown to the size of a Nasa space mission checklist. Never mind that Nasa doesn’t actually go into space anymore. The point is, this week’s Wednesday Rewind doesn’t require a protractor…]

Education Secretary Arnie Duncan promises no child's will get left behind when it comes to getting a Pee Chee folder.
Education Secretary Arnie Duncan promises no child will get left behind when it comes to getting a Pee Chee folder.
When I was a kid, our school supply list consisted of a Star Wars notebook and a Pee Chee folder. The notebook helped us organize our assignments; the Pee-Chee folder was used for entertaining ourselves during class by drawing thought balloons for the athletes on the cover.

Football Guy: (Getting tackled) “Oh sure — run the old L-42 play, THAT always works…”
Tennis Girl: “If my skirt gets any shorter, I’ll be playing Olympic volleyball…”

You get the idea.

Just about everyone remembers this folder because, like Al Sharpton’s hair gel, it has remained virtually unchanged since 1964. What has changed, however, is the growing list of items parents must provide throughout the school year. This comes in addition to rudimentary things, such as clothing, snacks and a recent urine sample. The reason is simple: The government is tired of wasteful spending, particularly in the educational system, where a special task force has discovered that schools routinely get bilked into spending thousands of dollars on paper alone.

“And, shockingly, most of this paper has turned out to be blank,” said Education Secretary Arne Duncan. Continue reading Remember when the school supply list was just a Pee Chee?

School has started and my kids have become pod people

Honey, I don't think the kids' alarms were set for school...
“Hey, Honey? I don’t think the kids’ alarms went off for school!”
Now that school is back in session, we have settled into our normal routine here at the Hickson household. This routine is based on a strict time schedule that my wife and I have developed over the years to ensure that, each morning at precisely 7 a.m., all hell breaks loose. This includes — but isn’t limited to — at least one person (or family pet) running through the house in boxer shorts, and my daughter locking the bathroom door for some “quiet time” while heating a Pop-Tart with her hair dryer.

Though we know this pandemonium could be avoided by just getting up a little earlier, the fact is, my wife and I are the only morning people in our family. As anyone in this situation already knows, this is sort of like being the only lambs at a coyote picnic. Continue reading School has started and my kids have become pod people