Tag: satire

Want to keep your writing fresh? Start with regular flossing

image I’d like to thank the American Dental Association for sponsoring this week’s writing tip, which brings me to a startling statistic: 4-out-of-5 dentists have never recommended or even heard of this blog. The fifth dentist only heard about it when, moments after my lips went numb, I was trying to say “Ben Roethlisberger’s lob” and he thought I said “Ned’s worthless blog.” Regardless, there are many similarities between keeping a fresh feeling to your writing and avoiding gingivitis. So think of me as your “literary orthodontist” as I take you through a quick writer’s check-up. Please remember I don’t have a saliva vacuum…

Flossing:
A good dentist will tell you it’s important to floss between meals, and will demonstrate its importance by flossing for you during your visit. That’s unless he also happens to be your proctologist, in which case I’d like to welcome you to the new National Health Care Plan. Continue reading Want to keep your writing fresh? Start with regular flossing

Dirty diaper football: another good reason to use disposables

image Though I’m a parent who is many years beyond his children’s diaper phase (Ya Baby! WOOO-HOOO, You Know it! YOWZA!)

…Sorry

Anyway, I have several friends who are now embarking on this journey and who have asked my advice regarding the choice between cloth or disposable diapers. I told them, without hesitation, that I was somewhat offended by their insinuation, and that unless it was All-You-Can-Eat-Frijole-Night at the Enfermo Taco, I was still quite in control of my bodily functions, thank you very much.

Moments later, upon returning from the restroom, it hit me: I really needed to go back. It was during this second run — or really more of a quick step — I realized they had been referring to diapers for their own children. Continue reading Dirty diaper football: another good reason to use disposables

The Box offers more proof the elderly can’t be trusted

Each week, "Skippy" helps us select a photo from The Box. At least, as long as we have health coverage.
Each week, “Skippy” helps us select a photo from The Box. At least, as long as we have health coverage.
It’s Tuesday! That means I have dumped the contents of The Box onto the floor of our newsroom and, in a few moments, I will RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!

However, as I mentioned last week, I have begun to lose the element of surprise now that my fellow reporters are familiar with this weekly ritual. So, to switch things up, I am going to cut the lights seconds before announcing the release of “Skippy,” our wild, blindfolded and slightly rabid squirrel.

Given that our newsroom has no windows, it will be pitch black once I flip the switch.

Here it goes…. Continue reading The Box offers more proof the elderly can’t be trusted

Coming soon to a group meeting near you: My shameless self promotional tour

As you can see, I'm positioning myself for potential sponsorship from Swanson's.
As you can see, I’m positioning myself for potential sponsorship from Swanson’s.
This morning officially kicked off my book promotion junket — or in my case, dinghy — by speaking at the Unitarian Universalist Church.

My topic?

Biblical Prophecy and Its Warnings About Miley Cyrus.

At least, that was going to be my topic. But following the advice of my publisher, Ellen, I made a last-minute topic change:

Life Without Humor is No Laughing Matter (Get it?) Continue reading Coming soon to a group meeting near you: My shameless self promotional tour

So you’re cooking your first Thanksgiving turkey! Don’t lose your giblets

(If you’re reading this and still haven’t begun defrosting your Thanksgiving turkey, stop RIGHT NOW and place your bird in the shower, where it can be defrosted and monitored properly, as well as cleansed regularly, between now and Nov. 28. This is just one exciting example of the kind of tips you can expect from this week’s edition of Flashback Sunday! Now, please wash your hands…)

Don’t let your first Thanksgiving turkey become memorable for the wrong reasons.
The countdown has begun. Soon, thousands of newlyweds will be in the kitchen preparing their very first Thanksgiving turkey. As a service to readers, I felt a responsibility to help educate people about foodborne illness by offering a special holiday feature that I’d like to call:

Don’t lose your giblets this Thanksgiving.

Being a writer, I’ve naturally spent a good portion of my career working in the food service industry. And like most writers, it was there that I was able practice my craft and eventually acquire something that ALL good writers must have: A Food Handler’s Card.

Because of this, I can stand before you as someone highly qualified to talk turkey.

So let us begin. Continue reading So you’re cooking your first Thanksgiving turkey! Don’t lose your giblets

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

There’s nothing like deadline days at a newspaper. Except maybe closing an oven door on your head repeatedly for 8 to 10 hours. It is a day filled with split-second decisions, each of which can lead to rippling ramifications in terms of overall ink usage. Today was a true test of our abilities as a news room: A key story had fallen through; we were down one reporter; and we were completely out of Cheetos in our vending machine. It was in essence, the “perfect storm” scenario when my editor called me into her office… Continue reading … This Just In …

For writers, it isn’t always easy to find The End

image Welcome to Ned’s Nickels Worth on Writing, a weekly feature in which I utilize my 15 years as a columnist to impart writing wisdom that 50 Shades author E.L. James has called “The inspiration for my ‘safe’ word.” Keeping that in mind (…ok, that’s enough), this week’s NWOW is special because, like a good “safe” word, it could keep you from getting spanked too hard when it comes to formulating a strong ending to your story, column, novel, latest post or current relationship.

Before we get started, I’d like to say thanks to Ross Murray at Drinking Tips for Teens and Molly at Mollytopia for suggesting this topic in response to last week’s NWOW, during a series of comments that went something like this: Continue reading For writers, it isn’t always easy to find The End

Take it from me: You can’t run from static electricity

image When I was a kid I had a book called Mysteries of the Unexplained that contained AMAZING BUT TRUE! stories aimed at stirring the imagination, eliciting a sense of wonder, and prolonging the bed-wetting experience by at least three years. I’d huddle beneath the covers with my flashlight and read about strange psychic phenomena documented by real scientists, physicists, private investigators, and the occasional freaked-out paranormal expert who, at the end of the story, usually abandoned his profession to become a plumber:

“Even now, after all these years, I can still feel those icy fingers whenever a cold breeze blows across my butt crack…”

Though the book was mostly about ghosts, aliens, strange disappearances and creepy folklore (“…so stand alone in the dark, if you dare, and hold a mirror while repeating the words Sassafras Sally and prepare to be slapped by a pair of wet tea bags…”), it was spontaneous human combustion that really got to me. I think it’s because, in my mind, ghosts, aliens, strange disappearance and folklore could all be avoided by exercising a little caution. Continue reading Take it from me: You can’t run from static electricity

The mystery of The Box continues. (Just take my word for it)

"Skippy" the wild, blindfolded squirrel in his natural habitat. At least on Tuesday mornings...
“Skippy” the wild, blindfolded squirrel in his natural habitat. At least on Tuesday mornings…
Every Tuesday here at Siuslaw News, I re-enact the climactic scene from Clash of the Titans when, without warning, I suddenly holler: “RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!” And although “Skippy” the wild, blindfolded squirrel is no Kraken, he is just as terrifying to anyone trapped in our newsroom at the time of his release. Not only because I believe he is partially rabid, but also because it means it’s time for The Box: That mysterious collection of unidentified photographs that have remained unclaimed in our newsroom since the 1980s.

Each week, I randomly select a photo by dumping The Box of photographs onto the floor of our newsroom and then releasing “Skippy.” The photo closest to the person who screams first is chosen. Since our debut of The Box four weeks ago, we’ve lost three high school interns and a guy restocking the vending machine. This morning, no one quit or left the building screaming, which tells me I am slowly losing the element of surprise. So this morning I had to settle for the photo “Skippy” decided to chew on while defecating on the chair of a fellow reporter who will begin screaming shortly after she arrives. Continue reading The mystery of The Box continues. (Just take my word for it)

Your decomposing pumpkin could threaten mankind

(It’s time for this week’s Flashback Sunday! That special day each week when I wait until no one is looking, then dig into the archives for a while before pulling out something very few have seen. Wait! I know how that sounds and I apologize! I also promise I washed my hands before posting this…)

This weekend, watch for falling pumpkins.
I left the house this morning and made an important realization: What I had assumed was a fleece-lined, bright orange sweatshirt laying crumpled on the front steps was actually NOT a garment at all.

It was our jack-o-lantern.

This realization was made while attempting to pick it up. Though my intention was to give my children a stern lecture on taking care of their clothing, I decided instead to scream uncontrollably after grabbing a handful of pumpkin mucus. Somehow, our pumpkin’s aging process had accelerated, causing it to collapse in on itself and sprout white fur — literally — overnight.

This isn’t an isolated incident. Anyone who hasn’t disposed of their jack-o-lantern by now has witnessed this process, which we can all agree defies the natural laws of physics. One morning, your pumpkin’s face is triangle-eyed and gap-toothed as normal. The next morning, it is Buddy Hackett. Continue reading Your decomposing pumpkin could threaten mankind