Tag: satire

Getting tuna off the school lunch menu is every kid’s dream

(Because you’re here, I can assume you haven’t woken up in a jail cell, someone’s yard or a truck bed in Tijuana, Mexico. What better way to celebrate than having a flashback? And just because Flashback Sunday is a weekly feature regardless of where you happen to wake up, it does’t make our celebration any less special. As always, we’re going to roll up our sleeves and dig into the archives, back to a time when — in my innocence — I thought “blog followers” was just another name for adult film groupies…)

The typical school lunch … at least in the eyes of your child.
Kids today are lucky.

Their school cafeteria experience will never include Mrs. Kidzyak’s “creamed tuna surprise,” which is still sitting in the shape of an ice cream scoop somewhere in my digestive tract.

Thirty years from now, they won’t be getting up from the couch and suddenly burp tuna, peas and what I’m pretty sure was Elmer’s Glue. And they will never have to explain why they can’t go into a deli because of an irrational fear of anyone in a hair net.

The reason today’s kids won’t have to experience these things is because a recent study suggests canned tuna contains traces of mercury, which experts agree is potentially hazardous if consumed in large doses — which is always a concern when it comes to kids and their love of tuna. Continue reading Getting tuna off the school lunch menu is every kid’s dream

Occasionally, you need to write naked… or at least out of your comfort zone

Writing naked is a great way to challenge yourself. It can also get you a private cubicle.
Writing naked is a great way to challenge yourself. It can also get you a private cubicle.
That unmistakable sound of jingling pocket change on Friday can only mean one thing: It’s time for Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing! Unless Friday is your laundry day. Or the day you treat yourself to breakfast from the vending machine at work.

But let’s assume you’re here for my weekly writing tip, which is offered up from 15 years as a newspaper columnist. And let’s further assume that kind of writing pedigree was extremely impressive. Then you would understand why some of today’s most respected fictional writers and equally fictional educators have referred to my NWOW as:

Advice you’d expect from someone who is indeed a professional. Wait, I said in need of a professional…

and

Required reading for my students whenever I’m mad at them or too hung over to actually teach…

Admittedly, I am a bit embarrassed. Not only by those gushing accolades, but also because I am writing this post while naked — which brings us to this week’s Nickel’s Worth. At this moment, you’re probably asking yourself, “Why is he writing naked?!” Unless of course — and this is understandable — you didn’t actually notice. I should clarify the sum of 5 cents and my being naked aren’t related. At least not directly. What I will say is this: If I were a stripper, I would be the only one with a change belt instead of a money pouch. And we’ll just leave it at that. Continue reading Occasionally, you need to write naked… or at least out of your comfort zone

Son, going ape for girls starts early

image At age 14, my son is beginning to understand a fundamental truth regarding the complex nature of the male/female relationship, which he summed up with the following conclusion:

Girls make boys act stupid.

He then offered irrefutable evidence to support his theorem:

Brittany told Joey to act like a monkey at lunchtime. And he did. Until Mrs. Flipendorf caught him stealing someone’s banana.

There was no debating his conclusion since it was clearly air tight. Instead, we discussed the ramifications of this groundbreaking sociological insight and how, as a man, he essentially had two options in catching a girl’s attention. The first is to act cool; the second is to act like a monkey. As his father, it was my responsibility to break the news to him that, as my son, he better start working on the monkey thing. Continue reading Son, going ape for girls starts early

Keith Morrison latest reporter to knock on… The Door

The Door in our newsroom: Sentinel of journalistic history, protector of bathroom privacy.
The Door in our newsroom: Sentinel of journalistic history, protector of bathroom privacy.
It seems as though ABC reporters Barbara Walters, Morley Safer and John Quinones have finally given up on gaining an exclusive to The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance). It’s been nearly a week since Safer has faxed any threatening images of his booty, which we began handing out for a new children’s coloring contest. Interestingly, there seems to be a 50/50 split between children who believe it is the image of a dense forest surrounding an abandoned well, and those who are think it is the Death Star exploding.

In addition, Walters is no longer leaving angry messages such as “Your CAWEER is HISTOWY!” on my voice mail, and Quinones has stopped Tweeting “@Ned Hickson: What would YOU do? Give me an exclusive before you become a Dateline Mystery!”

Which brings us to this week’s entry from The Door, and the latest reporter to begin hounding us for an exclusive to what Anderson Cooper has called “A journalistic milestone of unparalleled significance, not counting my decision to wear Dockers that were a size too small during broadcasts.” Continue reading Keith Morrison latest reporter to knock on… The Door

First step to becoming a man requires a plunger and a box of Fruit Loops

If you’re reading this, Congratulations! You are part of a selective group of individuals who, like yourself, have met a basic standard for visitors to this blog, which is that you must be irrefutably awake. Around here, Sundays are for Flashbacks. This has nothing to do with tequila, getting older or this morning’s proximity to Saturday night — and everything to do with the combination of all three. In addition, it also has to do with a Flashback Sunday tradition that began almost a year ago… assuming I’m not having a flashback right now. Either way, join me as we dig back into the archives to 2002, back when I thought “blogging” was slang for something inappropriate between loggers…

image There are certain things all males must learn before they can become a man. This knowledge is passed from father to son, and includes fundamental life skills such as shaving, car repair, burping the entire alphabet, and making fart sounds with your arm pits.

However, there is a crucial first step along the road to manhood that every male must eventually make alone. In a cruel twist of fate, this usually occurs around age three, when fluid intake is high, and hand-eye coordination is equal to that of a wild chimp.

Our son began taking this important step soon after we discovered we did not actually have a leaky toilet. Unfortunately for my wife, she was on the receiving end of this discovery after walking into the bathroom and startling our “man-in-the-making.” And I’m pretty sure I don’t need to explain what he was making. Suffice it to say, I was immediately informed of the situation. Not in so many words, but in a sudden scream that, in my opinion, really didn’t help things.

What did help is that I kept this opinion to myself. Continue reading First step to becoming a man requires a plunger and a box of Fruit Loops

Four members every good writers’ group should avoid

image If you are at this very moment digging between the couch cushions for coins, or replacing the Tooth Fairy change under your child’s pillow for an “IOU,” then you already know it’s time for Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing.

OK, sure. It could also mean you’re short on cash for a Starbuck’s, or trying to scrounge up gas money for your morning commute. Whatever the reason, please stop immediately because this week’s NWOW is on the house.

That’s right! You can save your nickel towards that next mocha Grande!

I realize some of you are looking at me as if to say:

Is this going to be like the time I “won” a free getaway weekend and ended up buying a time share in Rotgut, Alabama?

No. I assure you this week’s Nickel’s Worth is absolutely free. So don’t bother taping that nickel to a post card and sending it in. Why? Because last week many of you were left standing nickel-in-hand after I failed to get my post up. This has never happened to me before. Although many of you told me it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and that it happens to everyone from time to time, it’s never happened to me — and I felt the least I could do is offer an apology with a complementary look at my NWOW. Continue reading Four members every good writers’ group should avoid

Outlook for future of education looks just… Pee Chee

Education Secretary Arnie Duncan promises no child's will get left behind when it comes to getting a Pee Chee folder.
Education Secretary Arnie Duncan promises no child will get left behind when it comes to getting a Pee Chee folder.
When I was a kid, our school supply list consisted of a Star Wars notebook and a Pee Chee folder. The notebook helped us organize our assignments; the Pee-Chee folder was used for entertaining ourselves during class by drawing thought balloons for the athletes on the cover.

Football Guy: (Getting tackled) “Oh sure — run the old L-42 play, THAT always works…”
Tennis Girl: “If my skirt gets any shorter, I’ll be playing Olympic volleyball…”

You get the idea.

Just about everyone remembers this folder because, like Al Sharpton’s hair gel, it has remained virtually unchanged since 1964. What has changed, however, is the growing list of items parents must provide throughout the school year. This comes in addition to rudimentary things, such as clothing, snacks and a recent urine sample. The reason is simple: The government is tired of wasteful spending, particularly in the educational system, where a special task force has discovered that schools routinely get bilked into spending thousands of dollars on paper alone.

“And, shockingly, most of this paper has turned out to be blank,” said Education Secretary Arne Duncan. Continue reading Outlook for future of education looks just… Pee Chee

Geraldo Rivera can’t reach The Door fast enough

The Door in our newsroom: preserving journalistic history, as well as restroom privacy.
The Door in our newsroom: preserving journalistic history, as well as restroom privacy.
As predicted, after posting last week’s edition of The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance), members of the media are once again hounding us for an exclusive to what Geraldo Rivera called “Possibly the most important contribution to journalism since I opened Al Capone’s Vault. Except this time we already know opening it will lead to the toilet.”

In short, things are back to normal here at Siuslaw News.

Morley Safer has resumed the relentless faxing of his booty, threatening to continue until “YOU CRACK and I am given the EXCLUSIVE! Or my next scheduled proctology appointment, whichever comes first.” Barbara Walters is once again leaving angry phone messages, including just a few minutes ago when she whispered, “I will Bweak you, and that’s a pwomise.”

And as I mentioned, Geraldo Rivera is now after an exclusive and has been attempting to infiltrate our newsroom by using his investigative journalism skills. In one attempt, he disguised himself as a construction worker to gain access. He would’ve made it if not for “Misty,” our observant receptionist, who stopped him for an autograph when she thought he was one of the Village People. Since last Tuesday, we have thwarted no fewer than six attempts by Rivera to reach The Door — including trying to tunnel in from the sewer. Frighteningly, he made it to within only a few feet of The Door but came up short, breaking through the restroom floor while “Joe” was on the commode. Being trained journalists, we quickly surmised that two men screaming in the bathroom meant something was wrong. Continue reading Geraldo Rivera can’t reach The Door fast enough

Computer acting up? Backhand it with an anti-static wrist strap

It’s Sunday, which God reserved for rest, reflection and — I’m pretty it’s in the Book of… something — “Sunday Flashbacks on Ned’s Blog.” The fact that I am still typing proves He has a sense of humor. Or is quite possibly reading someone else’s blog. Either way, I’ll take it as an affirmation to reach back into the archives, to a time before Creation — at least in terms of this blog — when he looked upon what had been made and said in a mighty voice, “Meh.”

Today’s post is a column from 2004, when I was having some computer issues on a regular basis. On an unrelated note, I also got my gun permit about that time…

As a last resort, you may chose to place you computer on top of a trash receptacle and threaten it at gunpoint. Remember: Threatening the monitor is a waste of time. (And yes — sadly, this is a current photo of my computer system)
Today, we will be covering basic troubleshooting techniques for your computer. By the end of this column, you will know how to identify a problem within your system, and then determine whether you can:

a) Fix it yourself, or

b) Save yourself the trouble by taking your computer somewhere and shooting it.

To begin with, most of us have absolutely no idea how a computer works. This is illustrated by the fact that, when there’s a problem, we get really mad and yell at the monitor. This is sort of like yelling at the refrigerator because the container we thought was “Cool Whip” actually turned out to be refried beans left over from last year’s Cinco De Mayo party. Continue reading Computer acting up? Backhand it with an anti-static wrist strap

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our news room…]

A few moments ago, democratic congressman Peter DeFazio left our newsroom following a 45-minute visit. Congressman DeFazio comes to our office two or three times a year with the intention of treating us to an informative, low-key press conference of sorts. And each time, my editor takes an audible gulp whenever I open my mouth to speak. On today’s list of topics was dredging of small ports, school funding and helium reserves.

That’s right: helium reserves.

Which topic do you think I chose to weigh in on..? Continue reading … This Just In …