In the meantime, for those of you who may be new to The Door because, for example, you stumbled onto this post looking for home improvement tips, I’ll tell you it is a weekly feature that spotlights the best and worst in journalism that reporters here at Siuslaw News have been clipping and gluing to our newsroom door since the 1970s, back when journalists were looking for any excuse to open a tube of glue. Each Tuesday, we spotlight an entry from our newsroom door which, in addition to being the equivalent to a journalistic Smithsonian here on the Oregon coast, is also a time capsule of sorts, sealing up a different kind of journalistic history once the commode is flushed on the other side.
That said, because we here at Siuslaw News are not above making mistakes, particularly when it’s the holiday season and Peggy brings in rum balls so laden with liquor that the slightest spark could turn the break room into the ninth circle of hell, we will be featuring a controversial entry from 2008 in which a weekly syndicated religion column we run appeared to have been written by Dr. Joyce Brothers instead of Joyce Meyers.
However, as regular readers already know, before we get to this week’s feature we must first observe a sacred tradition established many moons ago, at least in terms of loose-fitting pants. So please join hands and repeat the following chant in a monotoned voice similar to an NBA player reading a statement denying his paternity:
The Door is a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism.
Now, let us begin.
As I mentioned, the following entry comes to us as a syndicated feature on our “Religion” page, where we also list local church events and news. Because this feature comes to us “ready to format,” we generally didn’t proof it. At least, not before 2008…
This week’s advice was about not letting guilt get in the way of being all you can be in God’s Army, and that forgiving yourself goes hand-in-hand with being forgiven by Him. All of which made this particular type-o all the more… uh, inappropriately relevant…
I consider myself a fairly religious person who also believes God has a sense of humor. If He didn’t, He wouldn’t have given us Auto Correct.
That said, judging from his snoring on speaker phone, Brit Hume has entered REM sleep and I really need to make a few calls. Hopefully, this air horn will do the trick…
Ned's Blog 
The tighter it is the more wrong it feels, I’m sure! Well, for one party anyway.
I’m sure this has happened at many parties. Wait, that’s probably not what you meant…
Don’t you kind of hope it happens at every party?? lol
In an ironic twist of fate, as the father of two teenage girls, it has become my job to make sure that DOESN’T happen 😉
I always want to believe that parties aren’t what they used to be too. Sadly, I had lunch with the descendants, who are now 20somethings, and I was disillusioned to learn the little niwits and their friends are engaging in the same very naughty behaviors my generation did. Evolution is an urban myth; we’re regressing, soon to be apes!
It’s all that monkey business.
Hahaha. I love it. But I love the image of Brit Hume (whom I truly enjoy, but who definitely has a sleepy basset hound thing going on) snoozing on your telephone. Too funny for words! Man, I need to find time to catch up around here! Soon.
Thanks, Marcia! Yeah, Brit Hume reminds me of the cartoon character “Droopy.”
Oh… wait, I think he’s waking up! I’ll have to get back to you… 😉
The-Door-is-a-beacon-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-of-journalism.
Was that article submitted by David Kouresh?
I think it was submitted TO David Kouresh.
You must be correct. I just check the church directory from your town. You actually have a Church of the Eternal Lubrication there?
Yes. I went once. But just in and out.
Genius,
Hey, thanks. If you don’t mind, I’m going to use that as my defense when Joyce Meyerrs takes me to court. I may need to call upon you as a character witness…
Genius is close, butt more like Geni-ass.
Typical crack at my expense…
Cleavage to Beaver
Father knows Breast?
Penis the Menace?
(I am dying over here — I should have quit while I could)
I Dream of Weenie… (damn, you)
HA!!!! You do?
My Three Buns
Haha! I backed into that one…
Family Affair (no alterations necessary).
No buffing Jody.
Sadly, there’s a reason they called him “Mr. French.”
Can’t top that. (no, no, NO)
UH!!! You have foiled my meager attempts again.
I’m calling UH! to your Uncle Henry! and quit while I’m a head.
My condoments to you.
Nice one, by the way.
Madame 12
Thanks.
All in the Family Affair
Drat. I was saving All in the Family.
Family Tied
Haha!
The Madam’s Family.
Brilliant.
Adam’s 12 Inches
The Big Bonanza
With Hoss and Little Joe.
Let’s get contemporary — The Gang Bang Theory
OK, but I don’t watch much TV anymore, so I’ll do my best…
How I Bent Your Mother
Back to old shows.
The Flaming Nun
Barney Filler
HAhaaahahahahahaaaaa!
The Dick and Dyke Show
Mary Tyler Moaner
Rooooooooob
The Love Butt
Your Show of Hose
Land of the Lust
Hahahahahahahahaha! One of my favorite shows when I was a kid. Sometimes I have my wife dress like Holly…
H.R. Humpin’ Stuff
Holly was a real sleestak.
In Dragnet
Brilliance on that one.
Starsky in Hutch
Who could forget Hug My Bear?
The Donny on Marie Osmond Show
HAHAHA! Where does Jimmy fit in? Never mind. I think I know the answer to that. I wish I didn’t…
By the way, I can’t — and don’t want to — top that one. Like Jimmy’s butt cheeks, I want to leave that last entry unblemished. So…
UNCLE HENRY!!
HA! This exchange actually HELPED me to get work done. Excellent!
I thought I knew what you did for a living. Apparently, I was very wrong.
LOL!!!
I don’t know if the things that I enjoy about your character are going to work particularly well as a defense.
Haha! Good point. I’ll plead insanity.
LMAO seems like an inappropriate response to your comment. I should probably skate around it.
I did have to snicker inappropriately when I checked the Suislaw directory and found “PC of Suislaw” listed.
Ha! That’s funny! I never noticed that in the directalry before…
It’s O-KY.
That’s stretching it.
That was bound to happen.
I knew I should’ve never posted this entry.
Not without visiting TCOTEL first.
I knew you’d somehow slip that in.
I give your comment a thumbs up.
High praise from a man who’s all thumbs.
*claps*
UH!!!!
Thanks for another excellent Tuesday verbal scrimage, Steve 😉
Likewise!
I think I enjoy the comments nearly as much as the articles you post!
Thanks 🙂 Me too! Some day I’ll figure out a way to skip the posts and just do comments.
couldn’t you have given me an Anderson coop vision….I mean…
I don’t know what he looks like sleepy. And I don’t want to.
I would try it.
Once.
John Quinones will be devistated.
But Anderson won’t. That’s who we are discussing.
However John could play. Along.
Lol! Doesn’t he have that special investigative series… “Who Would You Do?”
Hmm.
I suppose we shall see.
I don ‘t think they can air that on ABC or Fox.
Fox airs everything.
Abc not so much.
Excellent point, Lisa.
Unfortunately…
Like the line above it too: “He just did what He came to do”.
Might “what” be a typo for “who”? It would definitely fit more tightly with the next line.
Hahahaha! Thanks for driving that message home.
I am the humorous hammer to your Neddic nail!
I don’t think either of us should count on getting our contractor’s license 😉
So bad, but SO funny!! And even funnier is the fact that I recite the chant aloud in the monotone voice of my Grade 9 Geography teacher.
She… would… be… proud… 😉
Could explain why that was the only class I almost failed!! But I was so well rested afterwards. 😀
She probably teaches hypnosis somewhere now 😉
haha….you’re probably right!
I wonder if she’s related to Ben Stein…..Bueller……Bueller.
Hahaha 🙂