Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

Rob Goldstein — “Performance of the Year” nominee (San Francisco, Ca.)

image

The first round of voting for this year’s “Performance of the Year” begins tomorrow at The Public Blogger. As I mentioned earlier, it’s sort of like the blogging world’s version of The Oscars, with a little American Idle thrown in. And for everyone’s sake it’s a good thing “So You Think You Can Dance” wasn’t a part of it. Otherwise, eliminations would be people going to the hospital after dancing with me.

Anyway, there are 11 nominees, and one of us will be voted out each week until Dec. 30.

Between now and tomorrow evening at 7 p.m., when voting begins, I’m going to feature each nominee so you get a chance to see their work. There are five genres represented — artists, writers, photographers and singers. Oh, and one humorist *puts hands in pockets and whistles off key*

Please take the opportunity to vote tomorrow, even if it’s not for me. Details are at the bottom of this post… along with a photo of my four teens looking proudly at their father. But please, don’t let the thought of their disappointment should I not get voted through influence your decision at all…

In the meantime, meet mental health activist, artist, blogger and poet Rob Goldstein. Continue reading Rob Goldstein — “Performance of the Year” nominee (San Francisco, Ca.)

Christian Marc — “Performance of the Year” nominee (Hollywood, Ca.)

image

The first round of voting for this year’s “Performance of the Year” begins tomorrow at The Public Blogger. As I mentioned earlier, it’s sort of like the blogging world’s version of The Oscars, with a little American Idle thrown in. Except none of our mothers are going to tell the judges how talented we are even when we stink. Anyway, there are 11 nominees, and one of us will be voted out each week until Dec. 30.

Between now and tomorrow evening at 7 p.m., when voting begins, I’m going to feature each nominee so folks get a chance to see their work. There are five genres represented — artists, writers, photographers and singers. Oh, and one humorist *smiles creepily*

Please take the opportunity to vote tomorrow, even if it’s not for me.

Details are at the bottom of this post.

There’s also a short, but sad story about how I’ve never won anything since Mrs. Flipendorf’s sixth-grade “Draw The Female Reproductive System” contest. (I got extra credit for including the placenta, which was actually a spagetti stain from working at the dinner table. But hey — a win’s a win…)

In the meantime, meet writer, producer and all-around talented guy Christian Marc. It’s just too bad he’s so *cough cough* homely… Continue reading Christian Marc — “Performance of the Year” nominee (Hollywood, Ca.)

Charles Okpere — “Performance of the Year” nominee (Nigeria)

image

As I mentioned yesterday, the first round of voting for this year’s “Performance of the Year” begins tomorrow at The Public Blogger. It’s sort of like the blogging world’s version of The Oscars, with a little American Idle thrown in. If The Sopranos gets added to the mix, it could be over by next weekend. Otherwise, there are 11 nominees, and one of us will be voted out each week until Dec. 30.

Between now and tomorrow evening at 7 p.m., when voting begins, I’m going to feature each nominee so that you can get a chance to see their work. There are five genres represented — artists, bloggers, photographers and singers. Oh, and one humorist. Please take the opportunity to vote tomorrow.

Even if it’s not for me.

I’ll have details at the bottom of this post.

Along with a very endearing photo of myself that will linger in your mind come voting time.

In the meantime, meet Charles Okpere, a young man from Nigeria whose persepctives and outlook on living life with optimism in the face of oppression is both illuminating and inspiring… Continue reading Charles Okpere — “Performance of the Year” nominee (Nigeria)

I’d like to thank my daughter for finding Nemo — then eating him

image

As I mentioned earlier this week, I’m one of 11 nominees for Performance of the Year at The Public Blogger. While I’d like to believe it’s based on my body of work as a humorist (not the first time I’ve been told I have a funny looking body) I must recognize the fact that, had my daughter not eaten “Nemo,” I probably wouldn’t be here today. It was my third Freshly Pressed post and, by far, got the most responses. And not just from PETA. It helped put me on the Public Blogger radar — which is why I chose to include it as part of my first submission requirement to be voted on by the general public this Monday, Oct. 12 (details to come.)

We were also asked to explain, in one paragraph or less, what our art means to us (above). In truth, it really just says, “Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah… plus I get cookies.” I threw in the other stuff to sound intellectual. Continue reading I’d like to thank my daughter for finding Nemo — then eating him

I need your vote! (Don’t worry, I’m not running for president)

image I don’t generally do awards. Too many elementary school disappointments, like the time Billy Guthry was voted by cafeteria staff as “Most Likely to Barf on Succotash Day” when, in fact, I still get queasy thinking about the way the zuccini looked in that gelatinous broth.

Like vegetable mucus and stewed tomatoes.

Hold on. I’ll be right back…

Sorry. Where was I?

Right, Billy Guthry killing my dream.

Anyway, that was a long time ago and I’ve moved on. And while I still tend to shy away from awards, particuarly when it involves competing against other writers (unless Billy Guthry shows his face), I made an exception when Kendall F. Person informed me that I was a nominee for the Public Blogger Award. When he explained that I was one of only two nominees to make it by a unanimous vote from a field of 700 performers, I was so surprised I almost vomited.

Take that, Billy Guthry. Continue reading I need your vote! (Don’t worry, I’m not running for president)

Want to help kids at St. Judes? Drink your broccoli soda

image As I’m sure you can imagine, being a humor columnist, I am constantly working up a sweat. In fact, I can already feel perspiration forming. By the end of this paragraph, I will be a drippy, sweat-stained mess. Most people don’t know it can take hours to finish a column.

The reason has nothing to do with procrastination, writer’s block or even the ability to Google history of Star Wars universe; many of us humor columnists simply become too sweaty to operate our keyboards without sliding off and potentially endangering ourselves and others. Newsrooms everywhere understand this, which is why we are often placed in special cubicles that are refrigerated.

Or at the very least equipped with a drain pan.

Yet somehow, beverage companies continue to overlook us as potential thirst-quenching icons when developing trendy ad campaigns. Chances are, you’ll never see a commercial featuring a humor columnist at a keyboard with green Gatorade streaming out of every pore in his body. Or witness a humor columnist emerge from a droplet of Propel fitness water and do a back flip out of an office chair (which we often do, by the way, sometimes for no reason at all.) Continue reading Want to help kids at St. Judes? Drink your broccoli soda

Even when abuse doesn’t leave a bruise, it still leaves a mark

image As many of you know, I’m a firm believer in the power and importance of humor in our lives. I think of what I do as a columnist as more than just trying to get a laugh or two; it’s contributing what I can to others in the best way I know how. Let’s face it: If my contribution was something like medicine instead of humor, a lot of people would die. But from time to time I get the privilege of sharing a more serious side of myself. Today, I’m joining other men in my community who have been asked to write about Domestic Violence Awareness as part of a special publication by our local shelter for victims of abuse. I join our police chief, chamber of commerce director and others in supporting victims — in my case, particularly those who are too young to understand that love should never go hand-in-hand with any form of violence… Continue reading Even when abuse doesn’t leave a bruise, it still leaves a mark

Warning labels are impeding the Natural Selection process

(CAUTION: Before anyone gets hurt, I should warn you I’m actually over at Long Awkward Pause today! Feel free to get started here and then join me over at LAP. But please: No running…)

image There was a time when manufacturers included warnings on their products as a way to provide useful information that could potentially save our lives. Or, at the very least, our eyebrows and/or stomach lining.

However, that all changed more than a decade ago when McDonald’s had to serve up a McMillion dollars for the lady who didn’t realize that spilling hot coffee on yourself while behind the wheel of a car can lead to a condition commonly known as “The Open-Road Lap Dance.”

Taking a deeper look, that condition is really just an extension of the more common rule known as “Cause and effect,” which states:

‘Cause I’m dumb enough to place hot coffee next to the most vulnerable spot on my entire body, I am, in effect, going to do something even dumber by spilling it there. Probably before I leave the drive-thru.

Though the woman claimed to be unfamiliar with either of these two concepts, she WAS familiar with the judicial system, and how her coffee mishap could lead to litigation and a new home in the Hamptons. That landmark decision opened the floodgates to a barrage of wrongful injury cases aimed at sending a clear message to American businesses:

We will buy your products.
We will use your products.
And, God willing, we will hurt ourselves with your products and retire early.
(Read more at LAP!)

Selling books is great; making an impression is even better

(I’m guest blogging over at The Write Stuff today, where Marcia Meara has graciously invited me to share the experience of attending my first book festival as a published author — as opposed to the ones I went to because of the free bookmarks…)

image Two years ago tomorrow, I attended my first book fair as an author. Today, I’m going to share that experience in a post I’m calling:

Reasons to Hide Liquor Under Your Book Fair Table

Admittedly, it’s very exciting to walk into a room of 50 or so booths with publishers and authors offering their latest releases and services. And when you see your own booth tucked among them, with your book cover on display and a large photo of yourself hanging on the wall behind your table, you can’t help but pause and quietly think: I have ARRIVED as an author and, judging by its size, my nose arrived about an hour before I did.

My point is that book fairs are about taking the opportunity to become three-dimensional to readers and making a connection beyond the printed page; it’s about revealing yourself to people in ways that are spontaneous, real and unrehearsed, and giving them an experience they can take with them and talk about with others. This led to another realization almost simultaneously: Why is there no liquor at this thing? (More at The Write Stuff…)

Things have a way of working out. Unless it involves me and the gym

The only way I'll do push-ups.
Sort of like doing a workout with Dolly Parton.
Forgive me for I have sinned: It’s been nearly two months since my last workout.

That was my thought as I entered the gym last week, ready to pay my penance in the company of those who’d kept the faith in my absence. I had my moves planned: enter quickly, cut left and directly into the weight room, bypassing the front desk and the gym’s owner — a possible “confessional” situation.

But of course I couldn’t be that lucky.

“Hey there, Ned!”

I stopped in mid-stride; so close to the pivot that would’ve carried me to freedom. “Hey, Jim,” I said, smiling meekly. Apologetically.

Jim leaned forward on the desk, dressed in his usual sweatpants and T-shirt lightly stained with perspiration after a 50-minute aerobics workout that trimmed his ballooning body fat from .08 down to .05. He looked at me and folded his hands together on the desktop, as if ready to pray for me. “Haven’t seen you for a while.” Continue reading Things have a way of working out. Unless it involves me and the gym