Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

It’s March — Why aren’t you celebrating Frozen Food Month?!?

(It’s my turn over at Long Awkward Pause today, which seemed like a good a time to thank to Clarence Birdseye for freezing foods that traumatized me as a child…)

image It’s been more than 80 years since Clarence Birdseye, inspired by ancient food preservation methods used by Arctic Eskimos, made history by introducing the very first frozen food option: “Savory Caribou on a Stick.” Though his first selection was met with little enthusiasm, Birdseye persisted and eventually created a line of frozen vegetables that many of us are still gagging on today.

I, for one, am still unable to walk past lima beans in the frozen food section without getting the dry heaves. This reaction stems from my childhood, and a spoonful of lima beans I’ve been trying to swallow since 1973.

Unless you’ve been hermetically sealed and stuck in a freezer, you already know March is “National Frozen Food Month.” Coincidentally, I should mention this happens to fall in the same month as “National Ear Muff Day,” “Extraterrestrial Abduction Day” and “National Pig Day,” meaning that, for anyone whose pig happened to be wearing ear muffs at the time it was flash frozen by alien abductors, this is a big month for you. (More at Long Awkward Pause…)

Congress gets recess, our kids get spring break — What about US?!

image If you’re a student or educator, you are probably getting excited about the approach of SPRING BREAK! Wee-HOO! For students of all ages it means a week of crazy fun with little or no responsibility, whether you’re a fifth-grader planning a Spongebob Squarepants marathon to Bikini Bottom, or a college student planning a bikini bottom marathon of a different kind. If you’re an educator, it means a student-free week away from grading papers with so much red ink your desk resembles a sacrificial altar. Seriously, are they learning NOTHING between Tweets in class?!?

Even Congress gets what is referred to as “recess.” Let’s be honest: If I performed as poorly at my job as they have, I would get what is referred to as “fired.”

That being said, for the rest of us, spring break holds about as much anticipation as trash day or a release date for “Frozen 2.”

This is particularly true for those of us with teenagers at home, many of whom will openly mock us each day by selfishly sleeping in. Then, in an added display of thoughtlessness, they will still be in their pajamas and deciding on breakfast when we come home for lunch! The audacity! Especially since they misspelled “audacity” on their last quiz! Continue reading Congress gets recess, our kids get spring break — What about US?!

Coordination is key when batting with a cucumber

Ned Hickson photo/Siuslaw News
Ned Hickson photo/Siuslaw News
Walking through my town’s small baseball park the other morning, I was struck by a bit of nostalgia. This was unexpected, considering what I’m usually struck by when the Cedar Company bird squadron begins its morning maneuvers. With spring approaching, first-year tee-ballers were scattered around the field with their fathers, who were imparting basic hitting and fielding fundamentals, baserunning technique, and clarifying that running home didn’t mean crossing the highway alone.

Watching this, I was reminded of working with my oldest daughter in preparation for her first season of tee-ball five eight ten not long ago. As you’d expect, we bought a mitt, ball, practice tee and all the equipment necessary to get started on the basics. For obvious reasons, I saw no need to purchase an athletic cup — until I decided to advise her about batting stance, at which point it became obvious that I should have.

At least for myself. Continue reading Coordination is key when batting with a cucumber

Forget that image of Bruce Jenner and start writing!

write write write copy

I’m going to open with a simple truth:

Step one to being a writer: Write!

That advice seems pretty straight forward. The kind of obvious straight forwardness that carries you with complete confidence toe-first into a brick. Like most advice we’re given, the wisdom behind it is simple; the problem comes in the execution.

And while there are countless books out there offering tips on everything from how to get inspired and avoid writer’s block to the kinds of foods that promote creative thinking (which, judging from what I read, you will be doing mostly while on the commode), all of those books essentially come down to one universal truth:

Nothing promotes and stimulates writing better than…

You guessed it:

Excessive drinking.

But let’s suppose you don’t want to become an alcoholic? Does that mean you’re not truly committed to being a writer? Could it jeopardize your dream of becoming a novelist, columnist, short story writer or inner city tagger? Continue reading Forget that image of Bruce Jenner and start writing!

Parents: All in favor of a National Spring Break? Hear here!

image Some of you may already be paticipating in the annual celebration of spring break. And by “participating” I mean coming home from work at lunch to find your teen still in pajamas eating Pop-Tarts straight out of the box while playing Call of Duty or streaming Supernatural reruns.

Being a parent, you will smile and playfully tousle their hair. You’ll ask them if they’re enjoying their much-needed vacation from another hard month of schooling. They will grunt in response, causing you to chuckle as you walk to the kitchen, open the refrigerator, and find nothing but a chilled cantaloup rind.

“You must’ve worked up an appetite,” you’ll say, though what you’re really thinking is:

Between early-release days, in-service days and holidays, my kids spent a total of nine days in actual SCHOOL last month! How is this even FAIR! I hate you! I hate everyone!

Oops, sorry. That last part was my teenagers. Continue reading Parents: All in favor of a National Spring Break? Hear here!

That time Dick Cheney wanted to blow up our newsroom door

I know I said the month-long retrospective of The Door in our newsroom was only going to last through February, but the PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN! Plus, the people sent donuts. And one threat of bodily harm if I didn’t keep The Door open for a other month. You know who you are. (But in case you don’t, it was Paul, Judy, Susan, John, Gibber and about dozen others who made it clear they wanted The Door to remain open for a while longer.) Who am I to argue? At least until I finish these delicious donuts…

The Door: Guardian of historic journalism; protector of commode privacy...
The Door: Guardian of historic journalism; protector of commode privacy…

It appears Keith Morrison has given up pursuing an exclusive on The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) here in our newsroom. There were no creepy messages from him on my voicemail this morning and, after throwing his back out lifting a water jug, he is no longer posing as an Arrowhead Springs water delivery guy in order to gain access. In addition, we’ve stopped jumping whenever the fax machine goes off now that Morley Safer has stopped sending booty faxes with the warning You Will Crack! written on them.

Yes, things are quiet here; the calm before the storm.

I say that because today’s post will likely put me in the crosshairs of one of the most powerful men this country has ever purposely been made to forget about. In fact, his systematic disappearance after leaving the White House was so complete that I can’t even remember where I was going with this…

Wait! I remember, thanks to this newspaper clipping, which illustrates the importance of The Door, and why journalistic icon Geraldo Rivera has called it “The Al Capone’s Vault of journalistic treasures. No really, I MEAN it this time!” and why rearviewed… oops, I mean revered… journalist Anderson Cooper has referred to The Door as “A revealing look at journalism, depending on who comes out of the commode.” Continue reading That time Dick Cheney wanted to blow up our newsroom door

No butts about it, coffee choices are getting really weird

image As some of you may remember, I made a New Year’s resolution to quit drinking coffee back in January. Though I gave what I feel was a strong effort, my love of coffee eventually won out following the most challenging four hours of my life. So instead of denying myself the pleasure I decided to fully embrace my coffee!

Unless I’m driving.

In fact, I wanted to take it a step further by expanding my caffeinated horizons and exploring what the world of coffee has to offer!

As it turns out, this was a huge mistake.

Elephant sized, actually. But we’ll get to that. Continue reading No butts about it, coffee choices are getting really weird

The elephant in the room could become your coffee barista

image I actually had an entirely different post planned for today. But when a journalist gets wind of breaking news it takes precident over everything else because no one wants to be the last one to break that wind. Given that this story also involves coffee, I naturally put everything else aside — except for my actual coffee — to pursue a story that took me all the way to the “Golden Triangle” in Asia.

On Google, anyway.

Our newsroom budget could only get me as far as a “Golden Corral” in Arcadia.

Still, what I discovered was the latest development in man’s desire to create the most expensive cup of coffee on the planet. Possibly in the solar system, depending on what aliens serve as their in-flight beverage — although I’m willing to bet it won’t be as disturbing as Black Ivory coffee. I’ll give you the full details in Monday’s upcoming post. However, I will tell you it’s only a matter of time before your local zoo begins offering coffee next to the elephant cages.

In the meantime, here’s an audio preview of this Monday’s post:

No Butts About It, Coffee Choices Are Getting Really Weird

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That time Barbara Walters couldn’t get a handle on our newsroom door

The Door, sentinel of journalistic history since the 1970s; preserver of privacy to the restroom.
The Door, sentinel of journalistic history since the 1970s; preserver of privacy to the restroom.
For the time being, it seems major news outlets like ABC, CBS, NBC and The 700 Club have backed off in their pursuit of an exclusive on The Door (of Shame Blame and Brilliance) here in our newsroom. It’s been more than a week since Barbara Walters has called and threatened to “DESTWOY your CAWEERS!” And thanks to a case of hemorrhoids, Morley Safer has stopped faxing us images of his rear, which were starting to resemble a topographical map of civil war battle sites.

We’ve also heard nothing from Anderson Cooper, who seemed to lose interest in what he called “Possibly the most important piece of journalistic history since Chris Cuomo” once he discovered the other side of The Door had a commode instead of a closet.

So let us continue on as we do each Tuesday, and highlight an example of journalistic shame, blame or brilliance from The Door, which reporters have been contributing to for nearly 40 years in an effort to preserve history and, thanks to four decades of glue and tape, keep The Door from collapsing in on itself. Continue reading That time Barbara Walters couldn’t get a handle on our newsroom door

After 50 Shades of Magic Mike, men are trying to recover their manhood

image It was a tough week for the male persuasion. However, now that the 50 Shades of dust has settled, men are emerging from the proverbial rubble a bit shellshocked and checking for survivors. Not only did we go head-to-head with the release of 50 Shades, we were also flanked by Valentine’s Day AND word of a release date for “Magic Mike XXL.”

We were out manned. Out gunned. And when compared to Christian Grey, in most cases we were probably… well, out maneuvered.

In the aftermath of this three-pronged attack on our general manhood, only the strong have survived. Plus maybe that guy too busy playing Assassin’s Creed in his mother’s basement. Whatever the case, men are now regrouping for a counter offensive. Something that will “shock and awe” the women in our lives into surrendering — at least in terms of the totally unrealistic expectations that have now been set for us men.

Yes, we realize trying to live up to an unrealistic standard of beauty and sexuality is a daily occurrence for women everywhere.

Yes, we know men are largely responsible for this.

But will you please stop thinking about yourselves and your own needs for one minute? Sheesh! Besides, this is totally different because, uh… we’re men. And if that isn’t enough of an explanation, consider the fact that in most cases we haven’t had to face our blatant inability to measure up since showering in high school gym class. (More at Long Awkward Pause!)