Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

Deck the brawls (A Christmas tale…sort of)

image If you think trying to explain to your child why there are two Santas on the same city block is hard…

You see, dear, there is a thing called the space-time continuum….

Or,

You’ve never heard of Santa’s twin brother…?

…try explaining why those same two Santas are in a back alley, jabbing red-mittened fists at each other.

That was my job one Christmas Eve many years ago as my daughter and I did a little window gazing in Portland. We’d come to see the lights and shop displays in the hope of starting our own holiday tradition. Instead, we stumbled onto a pair of brawling Santas as we crossed an alleyway in downtown.

“Hey Dad, LOOK!” my daughter exclaimed, pointing her tiny finger at them.

We both froze; her out of confusion, me out of fatherly fear.

This is going to be one of those life-altering parental moments, I thought to myself. My answer could either comfort her in later years, or gradually transform her into a serial killer. Continue reading Deck the brawls (A Christmas tale…sort of)

Santa Summit prompts Greenland ‘No-Fly Zone’

Santa's Christmas Eve will go a little quicker now that he can skip Greenland.
Santa’s Christmas Eve will go a little quicker now that he can skip Greenland.
What makes email great is that it’s so darned easy to use. For example: If you come across something that absolutely HAS TO BE SEEN by everyone you know — like say a picture of a cat doing chin-ups — you can simply click a button and send it to 100 people. Or in the case of my favorite aunt who still hasn’t mastered this process, you can send that very same knee-slapping picture to one person — such as your favorite nephew — 100 times.

The reason I bring this up is because, if not for email, I sincerely doubt someone from Midland, Mich., would’ve gone to the trouble of sending me a photo of 176 Santas standing on the deck of a fishing boat off the coast of Greenland (And YES, this is primarily the kind of email I get.) Continue reading Santa Summit prompts Greenland ‘No-Fly Zone’

We did something special together (Don’t worry, it’s ok to tell)

Thanks to your help, some families in my area will have a brighter Christmas.
Thanks to your help, some families in my area will have a brighter Christmas.

As many of you know, I was at Fred Meyer on Saturday for a special book-signing fundraiser for Siuslaw Outreach Services, a local organization that provides assistance to abused woman and children, and families in need.

Yes, I realize this is a humor blog and I am a humor columnist, and so far you haven’t laughed once. Keep in mind I’m a professional, so you can trust me when I say it gets funnier.

But not before it gets a little mushy.

On Thursday last week, our office manager Misty handed me letters from Katherine in Minnesota, Michelle in Kansas and Matt in Ohio.

“Look at Mr. Popular,” she said. “Looks like your parole officers finally found you.” Continue reading We did something special together (Don’t worry, it’s ok to tell)

North Korean hackers issue latest threat!

BREAKING NEWS! • • • MEDIA ADVISORY! • • • ANYTHING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION!

imageEmboldened by their success thwarting the release of Sony Pictures’ controversial comedy The Interview, North Korean hackers issued another threat just moments ago warning of an attack “should anyone ever play a Justin Bieber song again. Ever. Anywhere.”

In an unprecidented move, world leaders from 120 countries immediately met and unanimously agreed to sign a pact keeping the digital airwaves “in all its forms, including our kids’ iPods and Smartphones” free of Justin Bieber music.

“It’s just not worth the risk,” said one world leader. “Gee, I sure hope they don’t make a threat about the new season of ‘American Idol’ or another ‘Hangover’ movie.” Continue reading North Korean hackers issue latest threat!

Learn to distill story ideas like a moonshiner

Moonshine books copy Ok, so let’s suppose you’ve read every weekly Nickel’s Worth On Writing I’ve posted here during the last two years. And let’s also suppose you aren’t my mother. That means you understand the importance of developing a voice, know the tools you need to establish that voice, are prepared to send your work to potential publishers, have established a writing routine and are now sitting at the keyboard ready to write!

YEAH!

…um, but about what?

As a writer, recognizing and developing story ideas is your bread and butter. Or biscuits and gravy, depending on your proximity to the Mason-Dixon line. The point is, whether you are a romance novelist, sci-fi short story writer or weekly columnist, generating ideas — and recognizing the difference between good ones and not-so-good ones (There are no bad ideas in my opinion, and I’ll explain that in a bit) — is the most important skill you must develop. Continue reading Learn to distill story ideas like a moonshiner

Just a random moment of parental pride

As my wife and I attended our youngest daughter’s final holiday choir concert as a middle schooler, we listened as three different soloists sang “Let It Go.”

Our daughter wasn’t one of them.

It was quite possibly our proudest moment as parents.

This is as close to "Frozen" as I like to get.
This is as close to “Frozen” as I like to get.

It’s official now: I have a poster and everything

image I stopped in at Fred Meyer and found these greeting me at each entrance. How do I know there is one in each lobby? Because after seeing one in the north side I ran as fast as I could casually strolled to the other entrance and pretended I needed a sanitary wipe for the basket I didn’t actually have.

Admittedly, it was pretty neat seeing the posters in place for Saturday’s book-signing fundraiser. Not to mention how clean my hands were after wiping them repeatedly while standing next to the poster waiting to be recognized — which didn’t take long.

“Hey, you’re that GUY!”
“Who, me? Well…”
“Yeah, I was your trash collector the morning after that big ice storm.”
“I’m not sure I remember…”
“You ran out in your underwear and slipped on the curb.”
“I don’t remember that”
“You landed headfirst in the recycle bin.”
“I think you have me confused with someone else.”
“Isn’t that you on the poster?”
“My hands are clean. I have to leave now.”

Can’t wait for Saturday…

And here’s that time I was stalked by Santa

Apparently, he also sees you when your shopping.
Apparently, he also sees you when you’re shopping.
If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter (probably against your better judgement) then you may have seen this photo taken a few days ago by a security camera at Fred Meyer. Many of you have asked what the story is behind this bizarre image, which some have compared to the famous 1967 footage of Bigfoot walking through the woods (presumably just looking for a quiet place to take a poo…)

image

In this case, however, Long Awkward Pause assigned me to get a photo of Santa for the site because, as Chris De Voss put it, “Santa can fill a lot of blank space we’d otherwise have fill with one of your posts.” Ignoring what was an obvious slam about… Yeah, Santa’s weight problem… I accepted the assignment and headed over to our local Freddy’s. When I arrived and began looking for a parking space, it was clear word of Santa’s arrival had already sent some people into a frenzy, causing some to simply abandon their vehicles in order to see him first… (Santa is watching, so join me for the rest at Long Awkward Pause!)

Still looking for the perfect gift? This probably won’t help

image When it comes to buying a gift for that special someone this holiday season, nothing says I love you like pepper spray. At least, that’s according to the Bureau of Shopping Statistics, which says that personal protection devices are big sellers during the holiday season.

This fact is supported by ex-NRA spokesman Charleton Heston, who once said, and I quote: “Get your paws off me you dirty, stinking ape!”

What this means, of course, is that I’ve had too much coffee, and therefore should be the last person in possession of any type of weapon. It also means that the threat of apes uniting to take over the world using pepper spray is very real — which makes Christmas the perfect time to arm your loved ones with a personal protection device capable of stopping your average primate.

If there are any English students reading this, that last paragraph was called a “segue,” which is a tool that writers often use when they:

a) Lose their point
b) Lose their mind
c) Stay up late watching Planet of the Apes. Continue reading Still looking for the perfect gift? This probably won’t help

Biggest measure of success as a writer? When you can use it to help others

image Welcome to this week’s edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when I take the cumulative wisdom gained through 16 years as a columnist and, just like the unexpected arrival of a holiday fruitcake, share it with as many people as possible. Including by force if necessary.

It’s a writing feature the National Society of Fruitcake Lovers has called, “…writing tips that will stick in your teeth…”

And what Publishers’ Digest has heralded as, “…insights from a writer who has been endorsed by fruitcake lovers. We think that says it all…”

But enough accolades!

This week’s NWOW is going to be different than any I’ve done before. That’s because it’s stems from an idea I got from a reader named Sandy Wagoner. For those of you who remember my last big idea, the fact that this one came from someone else is already a step in the right direction. Continue reading Biggest measure of success as a writer? When you can use it to help others