Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

Admittedly, I’ve been resting on my Freshly Pressed laurels

imageImagine my surprise when, on Wednesday, I opened my email to find something other than a window full of male enhancement offers and senior dating website links? That’s right. Sandwiched between them was something totally unexpected; something that meant a window of possibilities was about to open. I’m sure you’ve probably guessed what I’m talking about:

An email from a dethroned prince in Mozambique looking for an American bank account to send his fortune to for safe keeping.

It was while contemplating the legitimacy of Prince Imgonna Takeyourmonee’s offer that I noticed another email, this time with a name that was much easier to pronounce: Cheri Lucas Rowlands. She informed me that my latest post (If you can’t fix it with gum and duct tape, it’s not a real VW bus), was going to be Freshly Pressed.

She also told me if the excitement lasted for more than four hours, I should see a doctor.

Wait… sorry, wrong email. Continue reading Admittedly, I’ve been resting on my Freshly Pressed laurels

If you can’t fix it with gum or duct tape, it’s not a real VW bus

image When I first heard about Volkswagen’s plans to bring back the Microbus, I immediately decided it would become our new family vehicle. That’s because no mode of transportation offers the same level of excitement as riding in a VW bus.

Except maybe riding in a runaway mine car.

But that was always part of its charm, just like the seat belts that had to be double-knotted to the door handle; the innovative heating system that blended engine heat and exhaust fumes with just enough outside air to keep occupants from blacking out; and a horn that never EVER worked — and when I say never-ever, I don’t just mean on mine. To this day, I have yet to meet anyone who has actually had (or witnessed the existence of) a working horn on a VW bus. Remember, this was way before side-impact bars, breakaway bumpers and so many air bags popping out of places that, last year alone, false sightings of Pamela Anderson rose by as much as 64 percent. Continue reading If you can’t fix it with gum or duct tape, it’s not a real VW bus

Humor columnist and firefighter; sometimes my two worlds collide

imageAs some of you know, in addition to being a humor columnist, I’m also a volunteer firefighter. I don’t write much about that aspect of my life because I don’t encounter many humorous situations when we roll onto a scene. About half of what we do involves MVAs (motor vehicle accidents), from fender benders to multi-car fatals. Because we get a lot of tourists here, most of the situations we encounter don’t involve people we know. But living in a smaller town, you know the possibility exists every time your pager goes off. It just goes with the territory. Continue reading Humor columnist and firefighter; sometimes my two worlds collide

Why National Hot Dog Day always leaves me feeling inadequate

“After realizing the size and scope of this assignment, I was feeling a little inadequate.”

Given that 1) yesterday was National Hot Dog Day, and 2) I have just returned to eating solid foods, it seemed like the perfect time to reminisce about the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile, which visited our town exactly one year ago today.

After more than a decade of working in the high-pressure environment of our newsroom, where at any given moment you could find yourself surrounded by as many as two other journalists all typing at once, it takes a lot to get our adrenaline pumping.

In fact, we have been at the epi-center of the national spotlight three times here in Florence. Sure, two occasions came after being singled out as having the nation’s highest rate of … (yawn) … retirees.

But the third time involved REAL explosives.

And a dead whale.

And quite possibly an unlicensed demolitions expert going through a divorce. This would explain using half a ton of dynamite to dispose of a rotting whale carcass that washed ashore, and how one onlooker literally chewed the fat after being struck by a piece if flying whale blubber. Continue reading Why National Hot Dog Day always leaves me feeling inadequate

Cold medicine: The key to true introspection

(Welcome to Flashback… Monday? That’s right! Today, thanks to my spending the last two days with my hands on the commode as if rubbing it for a genie, Flashback Sunday is making a rare Monday appearance. In fact, the only thing more rare is anyone on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo with a high school education. As always, we will delve back into the archives, back to when my only followers were members of a terrorist cell using my blog to pass messages; back when I thought “Freshly Pressed” was a website for innovative door bell designs. Given the circumstances of why this week’s Flashback is a day late, this post seemed appropriate…)

As if being sick wasn’t bad enough, my laptop burst into flames while I was on the commode. Ask Tina Fey — she saw the whole thing.
I’d like to start by apologizing for this column.

Technically speaking, I’m still writing it. However, given the volume of cold medication I have consumed, and keeping in mind that I have finally given in and, as a time saving measure, moved my workstation to the commode, there’s a good chance my current location is exactly where this column is headed. Making matters worse, the laptop I’m using is about 10 years old. Getting it open was like shucking a Pismo clam. After opening it, I realized it’s the very same model that caused panic aboard a flight to Miami when it overheated and singed the thighs of an intoxicated businessman.

True, I am not on a plane. Yet there are still some frightening similarities:

I am under the influence of Codeine.
I am in a seated position.
And if this morning was any indication, I won’t be leaving my seat for the next few hours. Continue reading Cold medicine: The key to true introspection

To celebrate the completion of my book, I decided to contract what I’m pretty sure was ebola

My whereabouts since Saturday night. Well, here and kneeling in front of the commode. (No photo available)
My whereabouts since Saturday night. Well, here and kneeling in front of the commode. (No photo available)
After completing the final draft of my book on Saturday, I decided “What better way to celebrate than to contract a stomach virus?!?” Between Saturday night and this morning, I have spent equal time between laying in bed and kneeling at the commode until, Sunday morning, I hurled up what I believe was a penny I swallowed when I was seven. This morning I feel a little better, in that I have kept half a donut down. I had every intention of posting Flashback Sunday yesterday, but I couldn’t get my iPad to balance on the rim of the commode. Because of this, I’ll be posting a special Flashback Monday edition this evening, more than likely from a seated position in bed — which is a real improvement from most positions I’ve been in during the last 48 hours.

To everyone who left comments inquiring as to my whereabouts, I appreciate your concern and am comforted to know, should I ever come up missing, it will not go unnoticed by my wordpress friends. At least, not until Sunday.

Seriously, thanks for asking 😉

Like exercise, regular writing can shape your (literary) thighs

Bike typewriter copy It’s Friday, and as we all know (and by “we” I mean the voices in my head) it’s time for Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, a weekly feature heralded as “Essential writing advice for anyone who wants to be taken seriously as a highway flagger.” Several months ago, in my continuing saga at Gliterary Girl on the hazards rewards advantages realities of being a writer, I talked about the importance of establishing a writing routine. This seemed like a good time to revisit that post because, in addition to still being knee-deep in manuscript revisions, I have finally begun to come down off of yesterday’s caffeine high, which has left me shaking like the only lamb at a coyote picnic.

So keep your pocket change this week; today’s Nickel’s Worth is on me! Continue reading Like exercise, regular writing can shape your (literary) thighs

On vacation… at the keyboard

This is what I look like in deep thought. Or trying to get something out of my tooth. Or when there's a fly in the library.
This is what I look like in deep thought. Or trying to get something out of my tooth. Or when there’s a fly in the library.
I am on VACATION, BABY! And I will be spending the next seven days, between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m., enjoying the luxurious accommodations of…

Our local library.

If you’re looking for me, I’ll be the one hunched over my ipad in a cubical near the “Periodicals” section, working on the final draft of my book, Humor at the Speed of Life, which is due Aug. 16. I realize my deadline is a whole month away. I also realize I am easily distracted, which is why I chose to put myself in a cubical, away from television, snacks, my beautiful wife and reliable wi-fi service. However, I don’t plan to be a total slacker. I will still be posting this week’s entry for The Door tomorrow, as well as Flashback Sunday on… uh, Sunday.

If you happen to be in the neighborhood of the Siuslaw Public Library, stop in and say “Hi!” But not too loudly; the librarian carries a taser — and she has really good aim. If I’m laying facedown, it’s only because I’m concentrating really hard.

Or I’ve been tased.

Either way, I’ll be glad to see you.

The verdict is in: we the jury are free to go

image So as it turns out, the closest I got to witnessing any courtroom drama today was while sitting in the jury assembly room watching the Zimmerman trial on Court TV. Apparently, the defendant in the case WE were scheduled to hear this morning never showed. As a result, at approximately 11 a.m., “Municipal Betty,” who registered me when I arrived, stood before us and thanked us for our service before sending us on our way.

“None of you will have to worry about seeing this building again for two years,” she said. But as I walked by, she whispered, “Except for you, depending on what you do with that stolen car.”

“That really depends on you, ” I said, “and whether you want it back.”

Next stop: Circuit court!

For all of you who kept me company in the jury assembly room via my blog, many thanks 😉 Especially you, Lisa and Jen

And to Is Everyone an Idiot But Me, it was nice to meet you.

Wimpy fireworks take excitement out of having facial hair

image First, the good news.

According to the National Council on Fireworks Safety, fireworks-related injuries have dropped by 75 percent in the last decade.

The bad news, as anyone over the age of 30 can tell you, is that today’s fireworks are about as exciting to watch as a pile of smoldering pencil shavings.

For example: It used to be that “sparklers” actually sparkled. They showered the air with tiny crackling embers so bright you could see them through your eyelids. The bravest kids would spin them like propellers, knowing full well their eyebrows would grow back by mid summer. Continue reading Wimpy fireworks take excitement out of having facial hair