Tag: humor

At a newspaper, every roll is crucial

(Welcome to Flashback Sunday, when we travel back in time to spotlight a post from the distant past while being extremely careful, of course, not to disturb anything that could change the natural course of history. Not that we’d know either way. Admittedly, the inexplicable success of Justin Bieber could be evidence we’ve failed at least once…)

Behind every great news story is a paper trail.
Behind every great news story is a paper trail.
There are few things that can bring a newspaper to a halt when it is facing a deadline. In fact, aside from a natural catastrophe or a critically important breaking news story (Example: Anything related to Dancing with the Stars), nothing stands in the way of our commitment, as journalists, to ensure that the power of the press continues — unless, of course, the unthinkable happens, and we run out of toilet paper in both employee restrooms.

As professionals, this is a scenario we train for. We know how to recognize a potential “situation” that could leave us vulnerable and without back-up. Yet, as we learned today, all it takes is a momentary lapse in resoluteness for things to escalate into a full-blown crisis.

“Has anyone seen Bill?” (Note: The names in this dramatic re-enactment have been changed to protect the innocent, such as myself, from being physically assaulted by “Bill.”) Continue reading At a newspaper, every roll is crucial

This week’s writing tip likely contains Influenza blowback

image Welcome to this week’s edition of Ned’s Nickel’s on Writing, which is coming to you live from my bed. Wait, it gets sexier. The reason I am writing from bed is because I am a snotty, achey and feverish mess. This is probably why I have received no accolades from Publisher’s Weekly or Writer’s Digest this week, or even from The Master of Horror® Stephen King — which is surprising considering this terrifying subject matter.

Which isn’t to say this week’s NWOW has gone completely unnoticed. The CDC in Atlanta has issued a warning to all readers of this blog to “immediately slather yourselves and this monitor with sanitizer before continuing.” And by “before continuing,” I’m assuming they mean with what you’re reading.

If you’re continuing with anything other than that, I really don’t want to know. Continue reading This week’s writing tip likely contains Influenza blowback

This review explains why my book is a must-have for any bathroom

image It’s the kind of review every writer dreams of. Especially after a late-night binge of questionable Chinese leftovers you found at the back of the fridge, behind what might have been stuffing from Thanksgiving. I say this because only then could you dream of a review as creative as this one by writer, blogger and awesomeness crusader Tom Nardone, who posted his review of Humor at the Speed of Life yesterday. While I can’t say Tom is the first person to tell me my book has made their bathroom time more productive, his review is certainly the most in-depth analysis as to why…

I am Tom Nardone and I just spent a week with Ned Hickson. I don’t know what you did last week, but it was not as much fun as the time Ned and I had. Let me tell you what a great host he was.

Ned figuratively took me to places, and showed me things I never knew existed. He took me from the scene of the removal of a giant, dead, beached whale, to the set of a country music video. He took me to the United States Olympic Winter Games in Utah. He managed to cover this with me in detail. The amazing part of this is he was never there himself. I still can’t figure out how he did this. (Read the rest of the review here)

Reasons even a straight man can benefit from watching The Bachelor

image (I had the laps in judgement distinct privilege of being a guest contributor over at Long Awkward Pause today. Here’s an excerpt, along with a link at the bottom. Sorry it’s not the sausage kind…)

Hi.

My name is Ned and I watch The Bachelor.

I’ve been a heterosexual for 17,155 days and counting.

I can see the looks of confusion but that’s okay; I’ve gotten used to it. In fact, I used to hide my Bachelor/Bachelorette watching…

“Hey Ned, how about that Trailblazers game last night?!?”
“Yeah, man! They really dominated the paint!”
“What are you talking about? They LOST!”
“Oh, right. Uh, I got tapped out for a house fire and missed the second half.”
“Was everyone ok?”
“Yeah, but the girls who didn’t get a rose were pretty upset.”
“Wait… what?”

(Read the rest at Long Awkward Pause…)

Winter Olympics preview! (Or 20 reasons to be a summer Olympian)

image As many of you know, every two years I try to convince my editor to send me to the Olympics. The closest I’ve come was during the winter Olympics in Utah, when I was offered gas money, thermal underwear and a set of binoculars for watching the events “from a great spot on the third floor of a car garage not far from the Olympic Pavilion — or thereabouts.”

This year is no different. Especially when you consider the games are taking place in Sochi, Russia, which means there’s no way I’m going to see anything from any car garage in Utah. However, it doesn’t mean we won’t be offering you the same in-depth coverage as the larger media outlets. It’s just that ours won’t include any photographs, scores, statistics, biographies or interviews with Olympians, unless you count Mr. Knowitall, our vending machine repair guy, who won the Brickerville High School “Donkey Basketball Olympics” in 1987. Continue reading Winter Olympics preview! (Or 20 reasons to be a summer Olympian)

World’s smartest (looking) dog praises my book; denies any treats involved

Literary critic Nicholas H. Sheltie personally presents the Distinguished Dookie Award
Literary critic Nicholas H. Sheltie personally presents the Dookie of Distinction Award

As copies of Humor at the Speed of Life continue to wash up arrive on both coasts here in the U.S., as well as in countries generally accessible only by boat, so has praise from some of the literary world’s most respected critics. Among them, Nicholas H. Sheltie, who has awarded HATSOL with the coveted Dookie of Distinction Award after calling it:

“Arfuably the best backyard reading I have encountered since my days at the kennel. Inspirational. Three poos up, way up!

Though the notoriously reclusive Sheltie was unavailable for further comment, his press agent, S. Henry DaFrankmann, said “The Dookie of Distinction Award is so coveted because it is handed out with irregularity.” Continue reading World’s smartest (looking) dog praises my book; denies any treats involved

Online banking: Bringing Zimbabwe and Snakegut, Alabama closer together

(It’s time for this week’s Flashback Sunday, when step into our time-travel machine, buckle up, jettison ourselves into the past, but not before someone realizes they really should’ve used the restroom first…)

Red necks It’s not every day that I receive an email from a Zimbabwean prince who needs help relocating $20 million into an American bank account as soon as possible. In fact, in the last five years, I’ve only received this letter maybe 18 times. In each case, the letter explains that I’ve been chosen because I’m reputed to be a “dependable and trustworthy” person.

Given that this letter is always addressed to Dear Sir or Madam, I can only assume that my reputation is in fact so great that I no longer need an actual name.

Either that, or I’m not the only person to receive this letter.

Each time I’ve gotten this e-mail, I’ve deleted it because, let’s be honest: Who wants to spend time figuring out how to access their online bank account? I have no intention of adding to that headache (or potential jail time) by making a cross-continental transfer of millions of dollars from Zimbabwe.

Besides, having our checking account suddenly jump to over $20 million — I think — would look a little suspicious.

I’m sorry Mr. Hickson, but you don’t have money in your account to cover…Oh, wait a minute. Scratch that. Will this bagel be everything? Continue reading Online banking: Bringing Zimbabwe and Snakegut, Alabama closer together

Do you feel a draft? It’s time to revise your manuscript

Do you feel a draft? Hey, it’s Friday! What? Still not good enough? What if I also told you it’s time for Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing! Okay fine. But it’s still Friday and you should be happy. I know I am. Especially after Publisher’s Weekly recently called my Nickel’s Worth “…writing tips that are worth every penny, unless you factor in the cost of inflation.” So we obviously both have a lot to be thankful for today. However, before we get to this week’s NWOW, I’d like to point out how the image accompanying this post is…

Uhhh ladies? Eyes over here please.

Thank you. As I was saying, the image is one I’m sure many of you remember — some in amazing detail. Although my wife still isn’t completely convinced, I’d like to clarify those are not my actual cheeks. Sorry. But as a journalist, I felt the need to explain that in the interest of full disclosure. And the image for THAT post will remain somewhere on my wife’s iPod. Just like the image above, this post — which is about the importance of manuscript revision — is probably one you remember.

Okay, just the cheeks then.

I still feel a need to explain why I’m re-running a post from last year instead of something new, the reasons for which are a mixed blessing. And by that I don’t mean there is a priest standing behind me with his hand raised saying, “Um, I’m still not sure about this, Ned. Let’s talk about your mid-20s again…” Continue reading Do you feel a draft? It’s time to revise your manuscript

Unidentified Canadian man, dog (also Canadian) caught with copy of my book

image Another compelling photo contributed by members of the elite HATSOL (Humor at the Speed of Life) surveillance team has arrived, providing evidence that 1) Canadians love sharing a laugh with their pets, and 2) Canadian pets aren’t as easily amused.

As always, we’ve gone to great lengths to protect the identity of the individuals in the photograph, utilizing the latest technology to ensure their privacy isn’t jeopardized. So don’t even bother asking me who it is because I won’t tell you. And definitely think twice before trying to trick me into revealing their identities with some clever device, such as pretending to ask an innocent question like, “Hey, isn’t that Whats-his-name and his dog So-and-so?”

Due to my years of training as an investigative journalist, my conditioned response will be a swift, “No, that isn’t Whats-his-name and his dog So-and-so, and I wouldn’t tell you it was Ross Murray and his dog Bella even if it was — so don’t even try.” Continue reading Unidentified Canadian man, dog (also Canadian) caught with copy of my book

That time I found Stephen King hiding in our newsroom

"Skippy" the rabid, blindfolded squirrel.
“Skippy” the rabid, blindfolded squirrel.
I know it’s been a while since any of us have seen The Master of Horror© Stephen King, so I’d like to start this week’s edition of The Box by clarifying that IS NOT Stephen King to the left. That’s because…

HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU! AAAAAH!

Haha! Just kidding! That’s just “Skippy” the rabid, blindfolded squirrel. WAIT! Not behind you — I mean to the left! Oh man! As you can see, even just talking about the The Master of Horror© Stephen King can put people on edge. So you can imagine my shock finding him among the hundreds of unclaimed and unidentified photos that have been piled into The Box in our newsroom since the 1980s. Regular readers of this weekly feature know I normally dump the contents of The Box onto the floor of our newsroom and randomly choose a photo. This is achieved through a technical four-step selection process:

Step 1) Wait until my fellow reporters are deep in thought (asleep) thinking about important news stories
Step 2) Suddenly and without warning yell “RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!” and let “Skippy” loose in the newsroom.
Step 3) Select the photo closest to the first person who screams.
Step 4) Get yelled at by my editor Continue reading That time I found Stephen King hiding in our newsroom