Tag: journalism

Another performance that took me 90 seconds or less

image Tomorrow night, I and the other six remaining nominees in the “Performance of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger will reveal the results of our Fourth Challenge: “Star Turn.” And although several of us are utilizing video, as far as I know there will be no red thongs involved. At least on my end. Or front. Or whatever.

This week’s challenge required us to incorporate four things into our creation:

1) Written words (350 max)

2) Our recorded voice (60 seconds max)

3) Images created/photographed by us

4) Presentation should reveal something about why we chose to pursue our art form.

Undoubtedly, many of are breathing a sigh of relief that my chosen art form isn’t nude self-portraits, even though it would ultimately still qualify as humor. Regardless, my presentation has been submitted and will be revealed in its entirety, along with the other six nominees’ work, tomorrow night at 7 p.m. when voting goes live for this round. The total time allowed for our presentations is 90 seconds or less, which coincidentally matches my own personal best time in… well, it doesn’t really matter. Continue reading Another performance that took me 90 seconds or less

Please accept my preemptive apology in advance beforehand

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As the intensity of “Performance of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger increases, I’d like to apologize for some things, beginning with how infrequent my visits to other people’s blogs, websites and Facebook pages has been lately. I have a running list of posts saved to my email that keeps growing — Mollytopia, The Hook, Ross Murray, Rouged Mount, Lizzi, Rarasuar, Hasty Words, List of X, Miz Yank, She’s a Maineiac, Lipstick and Laundry, The Sisterwives, to name a few. I am looking forward to the day in a few weeks when I can sit back and spend an entire day catching up on my drinking reading all of the posts I have saved to savor later. I just wanted you to know that I’m well aware of what I’m missing, and that my absense is not an indication of disinterest or an elitist attitude.

Simply put: I’m just getting my butt kicked. Continue reading Please accept my preemptive apology in advance beforehand

That time I should’ve called for back-up when talking turkey

During this morning’s editorial meeting, I was once again given the assignment of visiting a local turkey farm to write up a special Thanksgiving piece. If it goes anything like last year’s visit, “special” isn’t really the right word. [Cue gauzy dream sequence and harp music]…

image Over the weekend, I was the victim of an unprovoked and extremely frightening turkey attack. In my defense, there were five of them (technically known as a “gang” of turkeys) involved in the assault, which started because of my proximity to a preening female turkey, which had apparently snubbed her suitors in favor of me.

Possibly because she was confused by my chicken legs.

Whatever the reason, the male turkeys didn’t take well to this and decided the best way to handle the situation was to join forces and, one by one, take turns flapping their giant wings at my [censored]. Before I knew it, I was being circled by an agitated turkey gang and wishing my editor had assigned me to something less dangerous, like covering a Blind Axe Throwers convention. Continue reading That time I should’ve called for back-up when talking turkey

Saving the world could come down to a good paint job

(I’m over at Long Awkward Pause today, just trying to save the world from annihilation…)

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Scientists and Hollywood can agree on one thing: It’s only a matter of time before the Earth is destroyed. Most likely by an asteroid. Possibly as early as this evening. That’s because scientists at the PanSTARRS observatory in Hawaii tell us astroid TB145 will have a near-miss with the Earth tonight around 5:45 p.m. (PST).

The discovery of this asteroid was made from the Panoramic Survey Telescope & Rapid Response System on Oct. 10.

That’s Oct. 10 of THIS MONTH, people!

Thanks for the heads-up, scientists! That’s plenty of time to prepare for the destruction of civilization by organizing survival kits, loading the car and then driving it off the nearest cliff. Scientists assure us that, although “relatively close” to Earth, TB145 is no real threat. Keep in mind these are the same scientists who, using the most sophisticated surveylance system on the planet, overlooked something roughly the size of the Titanic rolling through our solar system. (More at LAP)

Nowadays, the womb is no place for slackers

Unless your baby looks like this, it could be a slacker... Unless your baby looks like this, it could be a slacker…

Parents used to be satisfied with sonogram images of their child developing in the womb, even though, for all we knew, we were actually watching video footage of a school of mackerel on a depth finder.

“And if you look closely, you can see your baby … right … about … whoops! It’s gone. Something must’ve scared it.”

The doctor would then print copies of these images, which we carried in our wallets to share with family, friends, and anyone unfortunate enough to make brief eye contact. At the end of nine months, the only real expectation any of us had for our child was that they come out headfirst. Laughably, we actually felt it was enough for them to grow from a microscopic egg into a full-fledged human child within nine months.

Those babies, of course, were total slackers. Continue reading Nowadays, the womb is no place for slackers

Good news travels fast! Until it reaches my blog, apparently

image It’s been more than five hours since the little graphic to the left appeared on my Facebook page after the final votes and judges’ scores were tabbula tabulei added up for this week’s round of Performance of the Year competition at The Public Blogger.

Why the delay?

I’d like to say it was because, after several margaritas and a donkey  ride (at least I think it was a donkey) in Tijuana, Mexico,  (at least I think it was a Tijuana) in celebration, I passed out in wheel barrow and was being carried back through customs when I was detained for slurring and yelling “Mi esssss Numero UNO, senior Policia!” over an over until I lost my enchiladas on the shoes of a border patrol agent.

I’d like to say that, but the reason for the delay is much less colorful and, admittedly, a lot less forgivable:

I got sidetracked with work on an early deadline after posting the results on my *sigh* Facebook page.

I’m aware that many of you don’t follow Facebook, which is all the more reason I should have made sure to post this hours ago, when Michelle Terry at Lipstick and Laundry commented: “Was that YOU I saw in Mexico?” Continue reading Good news travels fast! Until it reaches my blog, apparently

Life can change in a heartbeat, or none at all

imageA few months ago, I went from wearing nothing but red thong while climbing around the sand dunes, to being a first responder at a multi-car accident with a car fire — all in a span of about 15 minutes. It’s a long story that, if you aren’t squeamish (and by that, I mean about the image of me in a red thong), you can read it here. Long story short, the experience was a reminder of how unpredictable life can be, and how, in an instant, circumstances can change from ridiculous to surreal. And I’m not just talking about being at a Justin Bieber concert. After five years as a volunteer firefighter, I’ve had plenty of tapouts change family dinners to warmed-up leftovers, or the first long kiss of a romantic evening into a goodbye hug and a porch light waiting for me when I get home. They are reminders that life isn’t really day-by-day as much as we’d like to think — but is truly lived minute-by-minute.

On the morning of Sept. 18, I was reminded once again how quickly life can change. And how, in the span of a few minutes, it can hang in the balance somewhere betwen clocking back in or permanently checking out. Continue reading Life can change in a heartbeat, or none at all

Unofficially, I think I made it through — thanks to all of you

image To my surprise, I woke up this morning to find myself poised within one of the top five positions. I know how that sounds, and I promise it has nothing to do with something my wife would rather not talk about and even sooner just forget. I’m referring to the Performance of the Year voting that began last night at The Public Blogger, where I’m one of 11 nominees for this year’s award. I’m the only humorist in a collective that includes artists, poets, photographers, writers and singer/songwriters. I’ve always been a strong believer in the importance of humor, so to be counted among this group of talented artists from around the globe sort of validates something I’ve said all along:

Humorists can make a difference, especially if they have a current food handler’s card.

Though it’s still a couple of hours until voting ends at 10 a.m. (PST), it looks as though I will make it through the first round of elimination, barring a tie and the need for a dance-off. For everyone whose email and Facebook alerts exploded yesterday from all of my posts showcasing the other 10 nominees, I truly thank you for your patience and participation — and especially your support. According to The Public Blogger, this event had the largest opening-day numbers since the site was established three years ago. Given that the traffic I had here yesterday was nearly equal to being Freshly Pressed, I have to believe all of you had something to do with that opening-day success. Plus, I used the tag “boobs” in all of yesterday’s posts (A trick I learned from Chris De Voss over at Long Awkward Pause.) Continue reading Unofficially, I think I made it through — thanks to all of you

The Voting Booth is Now Open — “Performance of the Year” award

image The voting is now open for the first elimination round of “Performance of the Year” at The Public Blogger. It will continue until 10 a.m. tomorrow (PST). Just click on the image (to my right, which would be your left) and it will take you to the voting site, which includes information about the show, the artists and the elimination process. At the very bottom is a Voting Poll, where you can vote for up to three nominees. Even if they all happen to be named “Ned.”

Weird, I know, but it could happen…

If you get a chance to visit my Facebook page, please “LIKE” my link. Yes, I realize how that sounds and, to be honest, I kind of like it.

Anyway, whether you vote, vote for someone else or not at all, the fact that you’re reading this says a lot. About what, I’m not sure. But I appreciate it nonetheless.

Now please… Go Vote!

I’d like to thank my daughter for finding Nemo — then eating him

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As I mentioned earlier this week, I’m one of 11 nominees for Performance of the Year at The Public Blogger. While I’d like to believe it’s based on my body of work as a humorist (not the first time I’ve been told I have a funny looking body) I must recognize the fact that, had my daughter not eaten “Nemo,” I probably wouldn’t be here today. It was my third Freshly Pressed post and, by far, got the most responses. And not just from PETA. It helped put me on the Public Blogger radar — which is why I chose to include it as part of my first submission requirement to be voted on by the general public this Monday, Oct. 12 (details to come.)

We were also asked to explain, in one paragraph or less, what our art means to us (above). In truth, it really just says, “Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah… plus I get cookies.” I threw in the other stuff to sound intellectual. Continue reading I’d like to thank my daughter for finding Nemo — then eating him