Tag: writing

Don’t panic! That sound you heard was just my idea flopping

image Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, that time each week when I gather the writing wisdom gained through 15 years as a columnist and share tips that Publisher’s Clearing House has called “A POTENTIAL WINNER!” and what Writer’s Monthly recently heralded as “Writing advice you can’t find anywhere else. And we’re making sure of it…”

But enough accolades!

Let’s be honest. Even a seasoned humor columnist sometimes has an idea that falls flat. And if last week’s NWOW idea had fallen any flatter the aftershocks would have been picked up by seismologists in China. As you might remember, last week I tried something different. Unfortunately, that’s an experience my wife would rather forget. However, you might also remember I tried something different with my Nickel’s Worth by attempting to make it an interactive post similar to a blog hop, with me posting part of a scene and then letting everyone else take a crack at finishing it — then sending me the link.

As of this morning I remain linkless.

And let me point out my being linkless has absolutely nothing to do with the other thing my wife asked me not to talk about. Continue reading Don’t panic! That sound you heard was just my idea flopping

Breaking news from my booth at the book fair!

As I mentioned yesterday, I am at the Festival of Books here on the Oregon coast, stirring up a level of excitement over my book that fair organizers have called a frenzy “similar to a Peaches and Herb concert…”

Doing my best to keep a handle on the pandemonium.
Doing my best to keep a handle on the pandemonium.

Who knew writing could actually give you a hernia?

image Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing! It’s that time each week when I offer writing wisdom gained from 15 years as a columnist who, until recently, has remained completely hernia-free! It’s a feature the American Journal of Medicine is calling, “Writing advice that gets results as quickly as bending over and coughing…” or what Dr. Oz has touted as “The only place I haven’t stuck my face yet. And by that I mean his blog, not pelvic area…”

But enough accolades!

As I’ve mentioned before, writing can be a dangerous business, particularly for columnists who find themselves coughing uncontrollably from a seated position. As much as I’d like to say I got my femoral hernia after a tap-out while dragging firehose into a burning structure, or because I’m an amazing lover, the truth is it happened while I was sitting exactly where I am — during a bad coughing fit. I’ve been nursing this cough for about a month, which began with a high fever at the end of my vacation in August. Naturally, I assumed it was just my body’s way of preparing to return to work.

Besides, as my wife knows, “I never get sick!”

These words are already being chiseled into my tombstone. Continue reading Who knew writing could actually give you a hernia?

Is there such a thing as too much climaxing? (In your manuscript, Jeez!)

image For those visiting for the first time because of the search term “climax,” welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing! This weekly feature is when I share the writing wisdom gained from 15 years as a columnist by — much like a porn movie — quickly stripping things down to the bare essentials and offering techniques that hopefully lead to a lot of “oohing” and “awing.” It’s a weekly feature Publishers Digest has called, “Writing tips that will keep your manuscript out of the slush pile, especially if there’s return postage included…” and what porn star Ron Jeremy has touted as “Enormously engorging… Oops, I mean engaging.”

But enough accolades!

The climax.

For those who zoned out after discovering this is a post about writing, welcome back! For everyone else, especially those working on a manuscript, short story or article for publication, you already know the climax is that point in your piece that brings everything together in a way that leaves your reader feeling completely and utterly satisfied by someone who is, at least in literary terms, a giving lover skilled at pacing the climactic moment specifically to put the reader’s needs ahead of their own.

Needless to say, this can be challenging. And not just for male writers, many of whom have already skipped ahead looking for the next “climax” reference. Whether writing a mystery novel, erotica, a humorous magazine article or non-fiction blog post, a reader needs to feel a sense that they are working toward something — a big reveal, moment of enlightenment, resolution to a problem, punchline — in order to be fully engaged and eventually finish with that sense of satisfaction we strive for as husbands writers. Continue reading Is there such a thing as too much climaxing? (In your manuscript, Jeez!)

Then there’s that time I was attacked by a wooden lion…

Since changing my Facebook image yesterday afternoon, a lot of folks have been asking about the story behind the photo, which is of me getting sucker punched by a wooden lion. For those who know me, it really shouldn’t seem out of the ordinary. Regardless, for those who missed it — or those who just like seeing me get punched by a lion (please, show some decorum) — here’s the true story behind the photo…
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image It’s been nearly 40 years since my third-grade teacher, Mrs. Flunkem, wrote the following remark in red ink on my report card:

Unstructured time is a challenge for Ned.

After reading this, my mother looked at me and said, “Since when did filling your unstructured time become a challenge?”

And things haven’t really changed since then. I can honestly say, through sheer luck and determination, I have put myself in a position to have what I’m sure Mrs. Flunkem would consider entirely too much unstructured time. Fortunately for me, my wife disagrees with Mrs. Flunkem and encourages me to make the most of it.

How?

By saying things like, “Hey Honey! Look at that wooden lion over there!” Continue reading Then there’s that time I was attacked by a wooden lion…

Writing tips that will help you jump off the deep end

image Welcome to a special “Vacation Edition” of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, which is just like any other edition of my NWOW, except that I’m holding a margarita in one hand. Sadly, this has no effect on my typing speed whatsoever. As I mentioned last week, I am spending part of my vacation sifting through two years of NWOW writing advice and organizing it into an eBook. And when I say “part of my vacation,” I mean the part that doesn’t include sleeping late, drinking margaritas, taking naps, having more margaritas and then falling asleep. But I promise: between 2:30 and 2:45 p.m. each day, I am diligently working on what I’m hoping will be a writer’s survival guide that offers writing insights as well as inspiration.

Then again, that could be the tequila talking.

In the meantime, I’ve hand-picked a couple of past NWOWs for the next two Fridays while I work on the book, which I plan to finish before my vacation ends next weekend. Or after I wake up from my next nap, whichever comes first… Continue reading Writing tips that will help you jump off the deep end

Why do we write? I’ll answer that as soon as I’m back from vacation

Me in vacation mode. Yeah, it's not pretty...
Me in vacation mode. Yeah, it’s not pretty…
Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, that time each week when I scoop the coffee beans of writing wisdom that have been slow-roasted over 15 years as a columnist, grind them up, brew and filter it while making a loud “Whhhshhhhhhhhrrrrrr” sound from the corner of my mouth, scrape the resulting coffee creation into a mug, and then offer it to you to enjoy before running across the street to grab myself a mocha latte from Starbuck’s.

It’s a weekly feature Publishers’ Digest has called “…Tips similar to a triple espresso, leaving writers shaky and a little paranoid.”

Or what The Master of Horror® Stephen King heralded as “…Another reason I drink Earl Gray.”

But enough accolades!

Let’s face it, most people don’t understand why we do what we do as writers. The average person, if given a choice between writing a 250-word essay or having their bare butts tased, will have their pants around their ankles before you can say “AAAAGGGGHHHHH!” Still, thanks to social media there are more people than ever tapping on keyboards. But let’s say the Internet permanently crashed tomorrow because of some catastrophic failure — such as a leaked Brad and Angelina sex tape. Most people, once they stopped staring at a blank monitor, wouldn’t grab a note pad and keep writing without social media.

But writers would. Continue reading Why do we write? I’ll answer that as soon as I’m back from vacation

Convince readers to take a leap of faith, instead of a flying leap

image Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when I share writing wisdom gained through 15 years as a newspaper columnist — or as my editor calls it, “Reasons I have a cardiologist.”

But enough accolades!

As I’m sure all of you remember, the last NWOW was about the importance of honesty in all genres of writing…

Fine, no one remembers.

At least you’re honest.

In that post, I talked about how writing must ring true with readers for them to become emotionally invested. This is particularly important when it comes to fiction, where you are often asking readers to suspend their disbelief and buy into something — such as an eccentric character, over-the-top situation or random reference to the new iPad6® in hopes of getting a free one — that requires a leap of faith. I this case, your reader is making a “leap” over reality because they have faith that you, the writer, will keep them safely suspended until they land safely on the last page. Assuming, of course, your book doesn’t end with, “…Then there was a massive explosion and everybody died, including the basket of puppies.” Continue reading Convince readers to take a leap of faith, instead of a flying leap

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

Even though we’re a small community newspaper, we are located at the intersection of two major state highway arteries connecting the valley to the central Oregon coast. In fact, instead of our current newspaper slogan…

Siuslaw News — Your source for local news. Twice weekly. Unless we lose count

… there was serious talk about:

Siuslaw News — The heartbeat of local news and events. From the coast’s main artery. All in one stroke. Continue reading … This Just In …

Even when making stuff up, honesty is still the best policy for writers

image It’s time for Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when we gather together and, in a politically correct manner, sit criss-cross Indian style as I share corn-like kernels of wisdom from 15 shucking years as a columnist.

I should point out this weekly feature has been recognized by Publishers Digestion as “…Tips that often get overlooked. Usually on purpose…” and what The Master of Horror® Stephen King has heralded as “…A weekly reminder of what scares me…”

But enough accolades!

Being a humor columnist, I am often asked:

“Where do you get this stuff?”
“How did you even think of that?”
“Do you just make this [censored] up?
“Isn’t marijuana legal in Oregon?”

The answer to all of those questions is a definitive “Yes,” particularly on Ballot Measure 5. However, each of the first three include an important addendum that reads as follows:

“While the consumption of humor shall be made available to everyone regardless of race, color, creed or whatever they happen to be eating that may unintentionally exit a nostril, the distributor of said humor is required to provide a basic standard of truthfulness, therefore guaranteeing consumers a more pure grade of laughter. At least until they try passing mixed-berry yogurt through their nose.” Continue reading Even when making stuff up, honesty is still the best policy for writers