Month: December 2015

Mr. Knowitall is happy to answer your gift-buying questions

imageSince the introduction of Mr. Knowitall, who is our resident historian, economist, food critic, movie reviewer, foreign affairs consultant, science correspondent, consumer products expert and vending machine repairman (not necessarily in that order), many of you have written in seeking advice about holiday gift-buying.

Due to the enormous volume of email we received, they will be answered through a lottery-style process — which means that, until he wins the lottery, Mr. Knowitall will continue to answer your questions.

So let us begin!  Continue reading Mr. Knowitall is happy to answer your gift-buying questions

In case you missed it, I was elected President last night. Sort of…

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If you follow me on Facebook along with 20,000 other….

Hold on a second. Sorry, the cat walked across the keyboard.

I mean, 200 other people, then you probably already know our “Dempublican Campaign” submission won this week’s round in the “Performance of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger — Ranking me back at No. 1 as we head into Round 8 this Sunday.

However, if you don’t follow me on Facebook along with 200,000,000 others (no cat this time), then you probably haven’t slept all night because you’ve been writhing with anticipation! If there’s any other kind of writhing involved from last night, please keep it to yourself.  Continue reading In case you missed it, I was elected President last night. Sort of…

It’s time for change in politics (unless you’re wearing a diaper)

image As I mentioned Friday, as a candidate representing the new Dempublican Party, I am running for President of the United States.

Tonight.

No, you didn’t pull a VanWinkle and sleep through the last year while watching reruns of The Kardashians. My campaign is part of this week’s challenge to win “Performer of the Year” in The Public Blogger’s A Star is Born competition. Think of it as The Oscars of the blogging world meets The Apprentice, then gets dropped into Hell’s Kitchen — except hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

Unbeknownst (I can mark that word off my bucket list now) to us, the competition actually began months ago with 700 bloggers from around the world, all of whom were judged by an “Inner Circle” of panelists based on our individual artistic merits.

Yes, I see your mouth has dropped open much like mine, but I assure you my inclusion as the only humorist to reach the final 12 wasn’t a mistake. And if it was, it’s too late now. I already bought stationary and I’m not taking it back.  Continue reading It’s time for change in politics (unless you’re wearing a diaper)

Yes, you heard it right; I’m running for President (this week)

image If you’ve been following me in my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” in the A Star is Born competition at The Public Blogger, then you know I’ve made the Final Four!

*sound of old dog stretching*

If you haven’t been following because you’ve had more important things to do, such as flipping your couch cushions and wiping down the power chords, I understand.

Shame on you.

But I still understand.

To bring you up to speed, we are now in week 49… ok, it’s actually week 7, but it feels like 49. Or at least I feel like 49. Probably because I am. Which I usually don’t. But my back has been bothering me lately and I think I have a growth near my… oh wait, I think that’s actually supposed to be there.

Whew! Feeling better already!  Continue reading Yes, you heard it right; I’m running for President (this week)

Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

image There are thousands of books offering insights into the male/female dynamic. Coincidentally, these books are generally located next to the section labeled “divorced/end-of-relationship” section. If you want to observe the true difference between men and women at its purest form, without a divorce attorney present, simply study their shopping habits.

With the holiday buying season now officially underway, there’s no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself.

Here’s a brief study guide to get you started.

Women:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchangeable and flattering.
b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today.
c) Are undecided about whether or not a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Will try on all clothes within arm’s reach of the fitting room.

Men:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure.
b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime.
c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Continue reading Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s