Author: Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

Ice water in my veins? Ummm… not exactly

This would've been refreshing if we lived somewhere warmer
This would’ve been refreshing if we lived somewhere warmer like The Equator.
Ordinarily, my day doesn’t end with a bucket of ice water being dumped over my head by a junior varsity football team.

No, it’s true.

But thanks to a challenge issued by Adam Sendek at Long Awkward Pause, my plans to watch the sunset with my wife on the porch while drinking something icy and alcoholic turned into something else entirely.

Except for the icy part. There was actually plenty of that.

By now, most of you have seen at least one of ALS Ice Bucket Challenge videos circulating the Internet, during which [Spoiler Alert!] someone gets a bucket of ice water dumped on their head. What started out as a celebrities-only challenge to raise money for ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) research, has grown exponentially to include thousands of non-celebrities, all of whom are united in hope that, some day, everyone on the planet will be able to trace themselves back to Kevin Bacon. Continue reading Ice water in my veins? Ummm… not exactly

Potty train your child using the Jedi Knight method

image As I sat reading an article about the new Star Wars Trilogy now in production, I suddenly had an epiphany: Potty training our children had been a lot like training young Jedi Knights!

This prompted me to devise a what I am calling the Jedi Potty-Training Program — something that is spiritual, aggressive and, hopefully, a lot less messy than the old-fashioned method of staring at your child until they make a face that looks like they are having a BM, then racing them to the commode.

Because of our subject matter’s explicit nature, we will be using GALACTIC terms during this discussion. Whenever you see this special GALACTIC font style, you’ll know that I’m JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

Ha Ha! No, that font means that it’s important enough to justify wielding my special GALACTIC font-making powers as a way to highlight the fact that I’m BEING SUED BY GEORGE LUCUS. Continue reading Potty train your child using the Jedi Knight method

I’m 48 today AND it’s my 30th class reunion; way to rub it in, God

The kind of excitement my birthday is generating.
The kind of excitement my birthday is generating.
This morning, after unpinning my legs from under our Labrador, I pulled back the covers and rolled out of bed, bringing my feet to the floor for the first time as a 48-year-old.

So far, so good, I thought, then stretched, twisted and stood before sliding into my pants. I’ve always told myself, when I have to start sitting down to put my pants on, THAT’S when I’ll know I’m getting old. But this morning I realized that wasn’t entirely true: It’ll start long before that, when I can no longer get out from under the dog.

Naturally, the first thing my son asked me this morning is if I felt a year older. I told him I didn’t, but that I was starting to forget little things, like including his name in my will. And I might’ve accidentally worn his underwear while jogging yesterday. Plus, I may have posted a Justin Bieber link to his Facebook instead of his sister’s. But other than those minor memory glitches, I hadn’t noticed any real difference in becoming a year older. Continue reading I’m 48 today AND it’s my 30th class reunion; way to rub it in, God

Six attempts to catch the sun worth a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday, and that means I’m over at Long Awkward Pause! Why? Because they have great coffee! Actually, that’s not entirely true. We don’t even have a coffeemaker. But there IS a Starbuck’s across the street, and Chris doesn’t know we have his wallet, so… Free Mochaccinos for everyone! While we’re there, each of us at LAP will be commenting on The Saturday Six, which are six related images that are just plain awkward — like all of my yearbook photos. This week’s subject? When you go onto the Internet asking for help Photoshopping the sun between your fingers like this guy did, be prepared for anything under the sun — as long as it’s not between your fingers…

1. Not Quite What I Had In Mind

image

BrainRants: I approve – looks like some shit straight out of a Monty Python opener.

Ned: “And the Suns win it with a field goal!”

Omawarisan: I don’t think the one on the right is a finger.

Jack: Technically this is what he asked for, he has no reason to complain.

singlegirlie: Is that Jon Hamm and Tommy Lee nude sunbathing on the other side of those trees?

(Trust me, it gets much worse. How much worse? Join me for five more examples at Long Awkward Pause by pinching here!)

Writing tips that will help you jump off the deep end

image Welcome to a special “Vacation Edition” of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, which is just like any other edition of my NWOW, except that I’m holding a margarita in one hand. Sadly, this has no effect on my typing speed whatsoever. As I mentioned last week, I am spending part of my vacation sifting through two years of NWOW writing advice and organizing it into an eBook. And when I say “part of my vacation,” I mean the part that doesn’t include sleeping late, drinking margaritas, taking naps, having more margaritas and then falling asleep. But I promise: between 2:30 and 2:45 p.m. each day, I am diligently working on what I’m hoping will be a writer’s survival guide that offers writing insights as well as inspiration.

Then again, that could be the tequila talking.

In the meantime, I’ve hand-picked a couple of past NWOWs for the next two Fridays while I work on the book, which I plan to finish before my vacation ends next weekend. Or after I wake up from my next nap, whichever comes first… Continue reading Writing tips that will help you jump off the deep end

Another awkward moment at the mall thanks to Rihanna

As many of you know, my trips to the mall — although infrequent — often result in some type of awkward mishap. Maybe it’s because I’m a friendly person by nature who doesn’t discriminate because of race, creed, color, religious affiliation or, as with my last mall visit, even those who happen to be a mannequin. However, today’s visit to the mall was just plain embarrassing. Keep in mind that in the few months since the release of my book, I’ve had — and I’m not exaggerating — at least two people recognize me from outside a 10-mile radius of my hometown. Although I’m learning to accept this kind of celebrity, I could have never anticipated the reaction I got from Rihanna during today’s trip to the mall with my son…

Who knew Rihanna was so clingy?!?
Who knew Rihanna was so clingy?!?

Fortunately, my quick-thinking son Jake was able to snap this photo of me rebuffing Rihanna while exiting “Purfumania” after not finding any Hai-Karate aftershave.

I’m just thankful it wasn’t Oprah…

Nanoo nanoo, Robin

image The first time I saw Robin Williams he was tossing an egg into the air the same way one might release a dove. “Fly! Be FREE!” he gleefully hollered as “Mork from Ork.” On his face was a mixture of hope and enthusiasm that was infectious. Magical. As if he could see something none of us could — but that we believed in because of the innocent faith he projected. For a brief moment, as the egg was suspended in the air, it seemed entirely possible that it would defy the laws of physics and take flight, propelled by the power of laughter from the live studio audience.

But as I sat in front of the TV and watched the egg fall to the counter top with a splat, the laughter was suddenly squelched into a sympathetic hush. Robin kneeled in front of the shattered egg, devastated, unable to fathom why the joyous release had ended so abruptly. In that moment he won the hearts of an entire generation of fans, including mine. I also understood for the first time that humor is the flip side of sadness — and how there are few things that can unite people, or open their hearts to a new perspective, as quickly as laughter. Continue reading Nanoo nanoo, Robin

Six reasons cats deserve a Long Awkward Pause

Hello! You’ve reached Ned Hickson at Ned’s Blog. I’m not here right now because I’m with the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause for The Saturday Six, commenting on six items which — like a family-run truck stop in the Ozarks — are awkward and loosely related. This week’s topic? Those annoying pictures of cats copying humans! The NERVE!

For example…

1. The Nutcracker

image

Omawarisan: Both the cat and the guy display considerable skill by getting their bodies into this position. I could not do it. Perhaps what I mean by that is that I could not find a good reason to do it.

Ned: I actually performed a similar move once, when I tried running through a sprinkler while carrying an actual cat. By the time I was done getting scratched, I had about the same amount of clothing left, too.

Chris: I could get into that position easily. Getting out of it is another story.

Calahan: Ah, the infamous invisible tug o’war of 2011 between Mr. Six Pack Abby and Mr. Tabby. I lost a lot of money on that game. I had fake my own death for insurance money.

(Love cats? Hate cats? Cat got your tongue? That’s ok! Fancy Feast your eyes on five more awkward copy cats by joining me over at… LAP!)

Why do we write? I’ll answer that as soon as I’m back from vacation

Me in vacation mode. Yeah, it's not pretty...
Me in vacation mode. Yeah, it’s not pretty…
Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, that time each week when I scoop the coffee beans of writing wisdom that have been slow-roasted over 15 years as a columnist, grind them up, brew and filter it while making a loud “Whhhshhhhhhhhrrrrrr” sound from the corner of my mouth, scrape the resulting coffee creation into a mug, and then offer it to you to enjoy before running across the street to grab myself a mocha latte from Starbuck’s.

It’s a weekly feature Publishers’ Digest has called “…Tips similar to a triple espresso, leaving writers shaky and a little paranoid.”

Or what The Master of Horror® Stephen King heralded as “…Another reason I drink Earl Gray.”

But enough accolades!

Let’s face it, most people don’t understand why we do what we do as writers. The average person, if given a choice between writing a 250-word essay or having their bare butts tased, will have their pants around their ankles before you can say “AAAAGGGGHHHHH!” Still, thanks to social media there are more people than ever tapping on keyboards. But let’s say the Internet permanently crashed tomorrow because of some catastrophic failure — such as a leaked Brad and Angelina sex tape. Most people, once they stopped staring at a blank monitor, wouldn’t grab a note pad and keep writing without social media.

But writers would. Continue reading Why do we write? I’ll answer that as soon as I’m back from vacation

Because my wife makes every moment better

image Six years ago today I stood at the altar, watching as my wife crossed the courtyard toward the church. I remember smiling so much my cheeks hurt; I remember the pride and appreciation I felt knowing I was about to be her husband; and I remember a momentary breeze lifting a strand of hair away from her face, like God’s finger gently brushing it aside as she entered the chapel. As with any rare occasion when we don’t enter a room together, our eyes found each other immediately. So much was said to each other during that long walk to the altar, not in words, but spoken between our two hearts — in a language we had been fluent in from the moment we met…

Oct. 28, 2006:
My search for a red rose after making the hour-long drive to Salem for our first date had put me behind. Coupled with the fact that I hadn’t been on a real date in nearly 20 years, had lost 23 pounds since my divorce several months earlier, and was driving a Plymouth Voyager mini-van, I technically had four strikes against me already. Plus, after several weeks of chatting together on Match.com and long evening phone calls, she had finally posted her profile picture. When I saw it, I realized I wasn’t only in danger of striking out before our date even started:

Heck, I was batting out of my league. Continue reading Because my wife makes every moment better