Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

Care to join me in limbo? There’s a seat open…

imageFor those of you following my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” at The Public Blogger, and wondering how today’s voting went… you’re not alone. As of 4 p.m. the final tallies for the top six, as well as who will be elminiated in this round, have not been revealed. And I swear I didn’t fall asleep and miss something. Here’s the information I received a short time ago on my Facebook page from the show.

Dear Ned — You were eliminated three weeks ago. Why are you still here?

Ha! Ha! ! What a kidder!

Oh, here it is…

Special Announcement: ‪#‎AStarisBorn‬ and Falling Star

Good afternoon fans, supporters, neighbors and followers of A Star is Born. The delay has caught everyone off guard, but solutions are never far. A formal announcement will be made by 5PM PST Today, and I assure you, within the next 24 hours one of the seven Artists… will be thrown from the stage. Your patience is appreciated as the show will go on. – thepublicblogger

Drama! Supense! Intrigue! Danger! And by that last one I mean the danger of interfering with my dinner schedule. I promise to keep you up to date as informatin becomes available. But as of right now, you share the same loop as I do.

Scary, I know.

In the meantime, I want to thank you for your patience and, most of all, your continued support here and at the voting polls each week. I truly and deeply appreciate it. It really does mean a lot having you out there. And trust me, it’s better to be out there than in here with me…

— Ned

Your decomposing pumpkin could threaten mankind

This weekend, watch for falling pumpkins.

I left the house this morning and made an important realization: What I had assumed was a fleece-lined, bright orange sweatshirt laying crumpled on the front steps was actually NOT a garment at all.

It was our jack-o-lantern.

This realization was made while attempting to pick it up. Though my intention was to give my children a stern lecture on taking care of their clothing, I decided instead to scream uncontrollably after grabbing a handful of pumpkin mucus. Somehow, our pumpkin’s aging process had accelerated, causing it to collapse in on itself and sprout white fur — literally — overnight.

This isn’t an isolated incident. Anyone who hasn’t disposed of their jack-o-lantern by now has witnessed this process, which we can all agree defies the natural laws of physics. One morning, your pumpkin’s face is triangle-eyed and gap-toothed as normal. The next morning, it is Buddy Hackett. Continue reading Your decomposing pumpkin could threaten mankind

Another performance that took me 90 seconds or less

image Tomorrow night, I and the other six remaining nominees in the “Performance of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger will reveal the results of our Fourth Challenge: “Star Turn.” And although several of us are utilizing video, as far as I know there will be no red thongs involved. At least on my end. Or front. Or whatever.

This week’s challenge required us to incorporate four things into our creation:

1) Written words (350 max)

2) Our recorded voice (60 seconds max)

3) Images created/photographed by us

4) Presentation should reveal something about why we chose to pursue our art form.

Undoubtedly, many of are breathing a sigh of relief that my chosen art form isn’t nude self-portraits, even though it would ultimately still qualify as humor. Regardless, my presentation has been submitted and will be revealed in its entirety, along with the other six nominees’ work, tomorrow night at 7 p.m. when voting goes live for this round. The total time allowed for our presentations is 90 seconds or less, which coincidentally matches my own personal best time in… well, it doesn’t really matter. Continue reading Another performance that took me 90 seconds or less

Please accept my preemptive apology in advance beforehand

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As the intensity of “Performance of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger increases, I’d like to apologize for some things, beginning with how infrequent my visits to other people’s blogs, websites and Facebook pages has been lately. I have a running list of posts saved to my email that keeps growing — Mollytopia, The Hook, Ross Murray, Rouged Mount, Lizzi, Rarasuar, Hasty Words, List of X, Miz Yank, She’s a Maineiac, Lipstick and Laundry, The Sisterwives, to name a few. I am looking forward to the day in a few weeks when I can sit back and spend an entire day catching up on my drinking reading all of the posts I have saved to savor later. I just wanted you to know that I’m well aware of what I’m missing, and that my absense is not an indication of disinterest or an elitist attitude.

Simply put: I’m just getting my butt kicked. Continue reading Please accept my preemptive apology in advance beforehand

I plan to give Robert Goldstein a firm handshake some day

image Handshakes are important because they tell me a lot about a person. In all my years, I’ve never been disappointed by anyone who has given a firm, enthusiastic handshake (not counting election years.) My father told me never trust someone who doesn’t offer their hand, or if the hand they offer is limp or unengaged.

“Either way, chances are they aren’t the kind of person you can trust with an agreement or respect in a disagreement.”

In the blogging world, we rarely get the chance to shake hands in person. We do it with our words — in what we say in our posts, what we share, how we comment and reply. And though I can’t say I’ve had the pleasure of shaking the hand of Robert Goldstein, I’m certain it would be the kind my father would approve of and respect. Until a couple of weeks ago, Robert was a fellow nominee for Performance of the Year in The Public Blogger’s “A Star is Born” competition. He was one of the first nominees I gravitated to because, in addition to his talent as an artist and writer, it was immediately clear that he was a man with a firm grasp on many of the virtues I respect. He is a humanitarian at heart, constantly offering insightful pieces and perspectives on what it means to be human — and how to stay that way in a world that often seems to challenge that notion. Continue reading I plan to give Robert Goldstein a firm handshake some day

That time I should’ve called for back-up when talking turkey

During this morning’s editorial meeting, I was once again given the assignment of visiting a local turkey farm to write up a special Thanksgiving piece. If it goes anything like last year’s visit, “special” isn’t really the right word. [Cue gauzy dream sequence and harp music]…

image Over the weekend, I was the victim of an unprovoked and extremely frightening turkey attack. In my defense, there were five of them (technically known as a “gang” of turkeys) involved in the assault, which started because of my proximity to a preening female turkey, which had apparently snubbed her suitors in favor of me.

Possibly because she was confused by my chicken legs.

Whatever the reason, the male turkeys didn’t take well to this and decided the best way to handle the situation was to join forces and, one by one, take turns flapping their giant wings at my [censored]. Before I knew it, I was being circled by an agitated turkey gang and wishing my editor had assigned me to something less dangerous, like covering a Blind Axe Throwers convention. Continue reading That time I should’ve called for back-up when talking turkey

Saving the world could come down to a good paint job

(I’m over at Long Awkward Pause today, just trying to save the world from annihilation…)

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Scientists and Hollywood can agree on one thing: It’s only a matter of time before the Earth is destroyed. Most likely by an asteroid. Possibly as early as this evening. That’s because scientists at the PanSTARRS observatory in Hawaii tell us astroid TB145 will have a near-miss with the Earth tonight around 5:45 p.m. (PST).

The discovery of this asteroid was made from the Panoramic Survey Telescope & Rapid Response System on Oct. 10.

That’s Oct. 10 of THIS MONTH, people!

Thanks for the heads-up, scientists! That’s plenty of time to prepare for the destruction of civilization by organizing survival kits, loading the car and then driving it off the nearest cliff. Scientists assure us that, although “relatively close” to Earth, TB145 is no real threat. Keep in mind these are the same scientists who, using the most sophisticated surveylance system on the planet, overlooked something roughly the size of the Titanic rolling through our solar system. (More at LAP)

Nowadays, the womb is no place for slackers

Unless your baby looks like this, it could be a slacker... Unless your baby looks like this, it could be a slacker…

Parents used to be satisfied with sonogram images of their child developing in the womb, even though, for all we knew, we were actually watching video footage of a school of mackerel on a depth finder.

“And if you look closely, you can see your baby … right … about … whoops! It’s gone. Something must’ve scared it.”

The doctor would then print copies of these images, which we carried in our wallets to share with family, friends, and anyone unfortunate enough to make brief eye contact. At the end of nine months, the only real expectation any of us had for our child was that they come out headfirst. Laughably, we actually felt it was enough for them to grow from a microscopic egg into a full-fledged human child within nine months.

Those babies, of course, were total slackers. Continue reading Nowadays, the womb is no place for slackers

Because sometimes love can overlook a man who drives a mini van

imageNine years ago tonight, I had my first date. I was 40. It’s not that I hadn’t been on other dates in my life. It’s just that, from the very first moment we took each other’s hands, none of the others seemed to matter anymore.

Because nothing compared to this one.

The best one.

The last one I’ll ever want.

Both of us were recently divorced after long, unhappy marriages. We both had two children at home. And both of us had joined a dating website a month earlier within a few days of each other. Fate, it seemed, had already set things into motion. Nine years and one pair of wedding rings later, I’m still thanking fate each and every day…

Oct. 28, 2006:
My search for a red rose after making the hour-long drive to Salem for our first date had put me behind. Coupled with the fact that I hadn’t been on a real date in nearly 20 years, had lost 23 pounds since my divorce several months earlier, and was driving a Plymouth Voyager mini-van, I technically had four strikes against me already. Plus, after several weeks of chatting together on Match.com and long evening phone calls, she had finally posted her profile picture. When I saw it, I realized I wasn’t only in danger of striking out before our date even started:

Heck, I was batting out of my league. Continue reading Because sometimes love can overlook a man who drives a mini van

Scariest part of Halloween? Finding costumes that don’t emotionally scar your kids

image For some of you, Halloween is an exciting time that allows you to bond with your child by making their Halloween-costume dream come true.

For the rest of us, it was a time when we crossed our fingers and prayed that our child’s “Halloween costume dream” was hanging on a rack somewhere at Walmart. Because if it wasn’t, we’d have to make something, and therefore put our child’s emotional health at risk by creating a costume that could potentially scar them for life.

After more than 30 years, I still remember my mother carefully wrapping me in layer after layer of tissue in order to turn me into a frightening replica of The Mummy — and how it took less than five minutes for a light drizzle to turn me into the considerably LESS frightening Soggy Toilet Paper Man. Things weren’t much better the following year, when I dressed-up as a pirate and missed-out on all of the good candy after spending 45 minutes with my plastic hook stuck in the car door. By the time I hit the streets all that was left were Sweet Tarts and half-opened rolls of breath mints. Continue reading Scariest part of Halloween? Finding costumes that don’t emotionally scar your kids