Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

Five ways to reduce stress with random weirdness

image Let’s face it: we’re all a little stressed. Especially you sir, in the back, the one giving himself a mohawk with the Epilady shaver. The consequences of living in an increasingly fast-paced society are beginning to show. And not just when we’re in the drive-thru behind someone ordering lattes for what appears to be everyone in Kanye West’s posse; it’s in our general lack of patience with everything.

Our devices.
Traffic.
The Bachelorette.

And while there are plenty of self-help books for finding inner peace and tranquility, they all have the same problem: Who has the time? If I could start my morning with meditation or yoga, I’d use that time for something more beneficial.

Like sleeping.

As a wise woman once said: “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

So, whoever’s going to come up with an effective plan for finding patience and tranquility for our society, they need to hurry up! In the meantime, here are five weird things you can incorporate into your daily routine that should help. Or if nothing else, get you to put down that Epilady shaver: Continue reading Five ways to reduce stress with random weirdness

How it looks being on the radio

imageOne of the advantages of being on the radio is there’s a certain amount of anonymity. You’re never going to be in the grocery store and have someone behind you say,”HEY! Didn’t I see you on the radio? What you said about fruitcake was a disgrace! I LOVE FRUITCAKE! I’m heading to the express line so I can meet you in the parking lot, Mr. Funny Man!”

It’s true there’s always a chance someone could recognize your voice in the grocery store. Which is why radio personalities use a special “radio voice” on air that’s different from their normal speaking voice. For example, many people don’t known it but off the air Howard Stearn sounds a lot like Elmer Fudd.

It’s true. I once heard an off-air tape of Stearn in the studio asking for some visiting strippers to take their tops off…

“Pweeze wadies, pweeze. I’m feewing wike I need to see your bweasts…” Continue reading How it looks being on the radio

Male-pattern baldness linked to excessive ear, nose hair (probably)

If you are a male over 40, chances are your ear hair has grown 2 centimeters since you read this.
If you are a male over 40, chances are your ear hair has grown 2 centimeters since you began reading this.
What I’m about to tell you may be considered vain. On the other hand, it could also be considered a responsible act of brushfire prevention. I’m talking, of course, about excessive ear and nose hair. I bring this up because of a recent conversation I had with someone who wanted to express his opinion on…

Something.

To be honest, I can’t remember what it was because I couldn’t overlook the fact that he appeared to have a chinchilla stuck in each ear.

I tried to be a good listener.

Tried to look reflective.

At least until I realized saliva had pooled in my open mouth.

As you might expect, this person was a male over the age of 40, which seems to be about the time follicles in men’s ears and noses begin producing hair at an alarming rate. I say alarming because I’ve heard of men purposely growing enough ear and nose hair to make a comb over. Continue reading Male-pattern baldness linked to excessive ear, nose hair (probably)

Warning: Dating at oxygen bars could lead to heavy breathing

image It all started with bottled water.

That’s when we, the consumers, put our collective feet down and cried out in a united voice that there was a little thing called The Law of Supply and Demand! And that we’d be willing to break that law for the chance to purchase an already free and abundant earthly element if it came in a squeeze bottle.

The latest trend is oxygen, which can now be purchased at a growing number of hip “Oxygen Bars” around the country. To prepare for your first venture, you must visualize the atmosphere of an oxygen bar.

[Pause here to catch clever irony of last sentence.]

[Thank you for waiting.]

Picture a singles bar with attractive people all sitting around conversing. Now, take the wine glasses and beer bottles away from these people and replace them with plastic oxygen tubes draped over their ears. Add to this sexually charged atmosphere the constant hum of an oxygen pump… and there you have it!

The terminal-care ward on “Grey’s Anatomy.” Continue reading Warning: Dating at oxygen bars could lead to heavy breathing

One thing I do that ALWAYS turns my wife on

Yeah, being geeky together helps, too...
Yeah, being geeky together helps, too…
Since the thong incident, I realize any tenuous grip, however slight, I might have had on entertaining the hope of becoming a sex symbol — again however slight — essentially disappeared into the sandy void of those dunes. And to keep from making things any worse, I won’t define what I mean by “sandy void.”

Still, come this August, I’ll have been an extremely happily married man for seven years. That’s because, in additon to the blessings my wife and I share as a couple who truly enjoys every moment together — and the knowledge that NO day would be as good as it could be without each other in it — I also happen to know how to… well… Ummm, please my wife.

*Ahem* If you know what I mean.

*wink wink*

*cough cough*

Ok, if you still don’t know what I mean, then this short video about my secret bedroom tip should help…

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Need ideas for your own exciting fireworks show? This won’t help

image Except for those living in Missouri, where the only fireworks restriction is a requirement that all skyrockets exceeding the length of a standard boat trailer be flagged during transport, most Americans have watched their Independence Day fireworks excitement dwindle from first-strike capability through the 1990s, to today’s wimpy sparklers and fountains with spark-spitting action equal to…

well…

…three sparklers tied together?

Americans age 30 and older remember having sparklers so bright they could see them through their eyelids. The bravest kids would spin them like propellers, showering crackling embers everywhere and knowing full well their eyebrows would grow back by September. Continue reading Need ideas for your own exciting fireworks show? This won’t help

Truthfully, I’m getting a little sick of myself

photo by Kim Ulmanis
photo by Sharlynn Vee
As I got ready to post this morning, I stopped for a moment and scrolled through my last several entries.

Me.
Me.
Me again.
Me again, in a thong (sorry again).

I suddenly had the realization I could be in danger of wearing out my own welcome.

While it’s true this site is called Ned’s Blog, I’ve tried to avoid having it become a mere self-promotional or marketing tool. My goal for this blog has always been a simple one: Make it a place where people can count on getting a laugh or two.

Possibly three if I’m really on my game.

Over time, it has also been a place where I’ve opened up on occasion about the more sobering aspects of my life as a firefighter or growing up in a family of alcoholics.

Granted, those posts didn’t get many laughs. Continue reading Truthfully, I’m getting a little sick of myself

Big screen premiere of ‘The Nedinator’ blamed for drop in thong sales

Poster design by Adam Sendek. Because he rocks.
Poster design by Adam Sendek. Because he rocks.
The lights went down, the curtains parted and theater-goers at City Lights Cinemas who had come to witness the premiere of Terminator: Genisys were also the first to witness me in a red thong.

I should clarify that this was for the big-screen premiere of a 6-minute spoof, Terminator: Nedisys.

As you might expect, the consensus from audience members was very positive…

“I laughed. I cried. I called my lawyer.”

“TWO THUMBS UP! But I’d rather not say where.”

“Any chance a Terminator will travel through time to make sure this movie never happened?”

“I really wish I’d held off on getting those corrective lenses.”

In all seriousness, what you see of me in a thong is extremely small. I mean, when compared to the film’s overall length. *sigh* I’m just saying don’t let my being in a thong scare you off, because it’s very tiny.

The scene, not…

Nevermind. Continue reading Big screen premiere of ‘The Nedinator’ blamed for drop in thong sales

I’m expecting a call from James Cameron any minute…

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It all started a week ago with me in a red thong. No, not for the uh… re-tooling… of the Magic Mike franchise. I’m talking about the making of a video spoof called “Terminator: Nedisys,” which went live this morning. It started as just a crazy idea to have fun with the new Terminator movie, which comes out Tuesday. But then I had an idea about using it as a new kind of an advertising vehicle for our newspaper by promoting businesses through a funny video people would want to share.

Suddenly, our budget expanded exponentially. Special effects costs alone ballooned to a jaw-dropping $12.98.

Still, I’m happy to say our 6-minute film came in under budget in spite of our extensive shooting schedule of: 1 day.

Plus our generous post-production schedule of: 1 day. Continue reading I’m expecting a call from James Cameron any minute…

How I spent my summer vacation (which was Saturday)

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It’s a WRAP! Principal production for Terminator: Nedisys ended Saturday evening. Keep in mind that when I say “principal production,” we’re talking about an iPod, a selfie-stick and a special effects budget limited to recycling my Dos Equis bottles. Still, it’s not every day you get to ask a street and bar full of people to pretend you’re naked because you’re making a Terminator spoof.

Then again, after walking around in a red thong on the dunes to shoot the opening, this seemed almost blasé. Except without the sunburn. Continue reading How I spent my summer vacation (which was Saturday)