Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

Come gather at the feet of The Door (if doors had feet)

image As we all know, a door has two sides. Every Tuesday, we explore the newsroom side of The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) here at the Siuslaw News. Not only because the other side has a commode, but also because, on the newsroom side, journalists since the 1970s have been attaching the best and worst headlines, photos, news stories and cutlines with glue, paste, tape and, in one case, a glob of a hardened substance with a wiry hair in it.

As always, we begin our visit to The Door by repeating those very words uttered by the first person to pass beyond The Door to the other side. However, since those words were drowned out by a flushing sound, we have done our best to re-create them here. So join hands and, while speaking in a monotone voice similar to someone beginning to realize their explanation in traffic court is super lame, repeat after me:

The Door is a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism.

Again, no one has actually ever said those words. But as any journalist will tell you, adding quote marks changes all that.

Let us begin. Continue reading Come gather at the feet of The Door (if doors had feet)

What’s even MORE wrong with this picture..?

image They say idle hands are the Devil’s play things, especially if he has access to Photoshop. My funny and slightly twisted (like a length of hemp rope woven by weed-smoking hippies) blogger friend, Tom Nardone, took the photo from last night’s blog post (“What’s wrong with this picture”) and made it even more wrong, as only Tom can do… which is a real talent.

Some of his earlier work was released several years ago, in the JFK assassination files, when he put Lee Harvey Oswald’s head on the body of someone holding a rifle.

Thanks, Tom!

(…At least, I think that’s the correct response….)

What’s wrong with this picture?

imageSo this afternoon, my friend Jack sent a photo he took of me on Saturday at the Dunes City Triathlon. Was I competing? Hahahaha! Anyway, I was there to shoot for the newspaper and help EMTs should someone become exhausted or injured, not counting myself. Looking at my ensemble of camera gear, fire department shirt and OSAA media pass, is it just me or do I look like someone suffering from multiple personality disorder? I mean, what if the Port-O-Potty suddenly burst into flames (it could happen), causing a cyclist to have a heart attack and ride into a flock of endangered geese, requiring photos for what could be the biggest breaking news story since last year’s visit from the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile? Do I give CPR? Pull a charged line? Take photos? Use the opportunity to acquire a new high performance bicycle of my own?

I may need to consider simplifying my life…

Mother’s Day cards have no rhymes for ‘episiotomy’

imageSoon, it will be Mother’s Day. For many of you, it means sending a flowery card that says all the wonderful things you’d say if only you had a thesaurus and someone from Hallmark breathing down your neck. The truth is, the meaning of Mother’s Day has been lost over the years thanks to stupid greeting cards filled with heartfelt phrases like:

If your love was an ocean, you would’ve drowned me as a child.
Or,
When I think of love, I think of you. Because of this, you have no grandchildren.
Or,
With every smile, I remember a special moment that will never ever be forgotten — Happy belated Mother’s Day!

The true meaning of Mother’s Day, as any mother will tell you, has absolutely nothing to do with flowery cards or fond memories — and everything to do with sacrifice.

That’s right. You want to let Mom know you really care? Forget about comparing her to “a beautiful rose laden with thorns of caring,” and remember all the stuff she endured for you even before you HAD a memory. If you’re not sure where to begin, I have two words for you:

Breast Pump. Continue reading Mother’s Day cards have no rhymes for ‘episiotomy’

Overcome your fear of flying by getting totally Flugtagged

Flugtag Pig It’s been 100 years since the Wright Brothers proved that manned flight was possible. This eventually led to the very first commercial flight and the discovery of something just as important in man’s pursuit of the sky:

The air-sickness bag.

You may not think this was an important discovery, but trust me: Anyone who has sat next to me during a flight on anything other than a coin-operated spaceship will tell you the only thing more important than the discovery of the air-sickness bag itself is discovering how to get rid of it once it’s been used.

For me, problems generally begin once we’ve reached our cruising altitude. This is when — for reasons I don’t quite understand — all pilots are trained to address their passengers by informing them exactly how high they are and how fast they’re going. I DON’T WANT to know these things. If I did, I wouldn’t be curled up in a fetal position with my thumbs in my ears and an air-sickness bag pinched between my knees. Continue reading Overcome your fear of flying by getting totally Flugtagged

This week on… The Door

Our actual door It’s Tuesday, which as we all know is like the 23rd birthday of the calendar week. Not particularly significant. It doesn’t have the distinction of being the dreaded beginning of the work week, or the catchy nickname of “Hump Day” to endear it, and no one ever exclaims: “Thank God it’s Tuesday!” For this reason, I chose to perk up Tuesdays by making it the day we highlight The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance), a piece of journalistic history here at the Siuslaw News that has had greatness thrust upon it. And while it’s rumored that other things have been thrust upon it over the years, we will be focusing on the multitude of newspaper headlines and clippings posted there by journalists since as far back as the 1970s. For loyal followers of The Door, let us repeat it’s mission statement (For added effect, say it slowly in a monotone voice):

To serve as a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism. Continue reading This week on… The Door

Inflatable church could have couples bouncing off the walls

100_0347 The creation of the inflatable church is without question, from a man’s perspective, the most exciting matrimonial advancement since the bachelor party because it means the fun no longer has to end the night before the wedding, somewhere in the general vicinity of a commode. That’s right, the excitement can continue the next day as the groom, flanked by his best man, bounces to the alter in his tube socks to await his blushing bride.

Because a fellow journalist friend and her sister are very close, and because I know how important it is that everything be perfect, I enthusiastically suggested the idea of an inflatable church for her sister’s wedding.

And because she knew I was really trying to help, she smiled and told me I had an inflatable head. Continue reading Inflatable church could have couples bouncing off the walls

Where the heck have I been?

SearchTeam_FL_0809_Binos I’m sure many of you have noticed my blog has been unusually quiet since Sunday. My regular Tuesday posting of The Door didn’t appear this week, and I haven’t posted a new column since last Friday.

OK, fine. No one actually noticed, so you’ll just have to take my word for it when I tell you: Yes, I’ve been a total blogging slacker this week.

But WAIT! Let me explain!

Ironically, the lack of activity on my blog is directly related to the amount of activity I’ve had going on outside of my blog, including attending a three-day advanced firefighting extrication class, which I will be teaching for our fire department beginning next month. If you lock your keys in the car and want the roof cut off in less than three minutes, I’m your man. The same goes for turning your car into a hard-top convertible or removing those pesky doors. Continue reading Where the heck have I been?

Striking matadors could result in a lot of bull for Spain

Matador bull Though the story hasn’t received much coverage here in the U.S., Spain’s impending matador strike is big news in Madrid.

Especially if you’re a bull.

Even though no new cases of “Mad Cow” have been documented in fighting bulls — which seems odd, since the whole idea is to get them mad in the first place — Spain’s agricultural ministry insists that an eventual cross-over from cows to bulls to matadors is entirely possible. While some are calling matadors “cowards” for threatening to strike if testing for Mad Cow disease isn’t implemented by the start of bullfighting season in July, others applaud the stance, particularly those within the bovine community, many of whom have started wearing tennis balls on the tips of their horns as a show of support. Continue reading Striking matadors could result in a lot of bull for Spain

First step to good golfing: Get a grip

Scottish Foursome When our editor began looking for someone to captain our Boys and Girls Club golf team, it only made sense that she came to me first. That’s because, being that I was once a sports editor, I’m naturally a great golfer.

Just like I’m a great shot-put thrower, quarterback, point guard, stock-car racer, extreme skateboarder, free-style swimmer and calf roper. In fact, I sometimes wonder where I might be today had my sports career not been tragically cut short by my complete lack of athletic talent.

This discovery was made as early as first grade, when, during a dodge ball game, I was knocked unconscious and rushed to the nurse’s office after being hit by the ball.

Forty-seven times.

(And I should mention that recess only lasted 10 minutes in those days.) Continue reading First step to good golfing: Get a grip