Six headlines worth a Long Awkward Pause

As some of you know, I spend Saturday mornings chiming in on the Saturday Six with the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause. You can think of it as Hollywood Squares, except with everyone crammed into the middle square. And speaking of awkward, I’m getting a little uncomfortable with where Adam and Chris’s hands keep ending up. Anyway, the subject of this week’s Saturday Six is “WTF Headlines”, which is something I’m familiar with as a newspaper journalist. For example:


Calahan – She then donated the reward money she received for finding herself to someone chosen randomly out of the phonebook. That was her, too!

Chris – Woman 1: Who are we looking for? Woman 2: You. Woman 1: Oh, have you tried my cell phone? Woman 2: Yes, it says your lost. Woman 1: That’s weird, I don’t feel lost.

Katie – Crashing your own search party? Even I have better manners than that.

Ned: One month later, she is abducted by a serial killer but is able to sneak a call to the police from the back of his windowless van. “Officer O’Reilly speaking. Who is this? Oh, JENNIFER WELLS! What is it THIS time? Psychopath got you tied up in his van?” *makes jerking off motion* “Oh sure, Jen. We’ll get right on that!” — click…

Omawarisan – Everyone loves a good party.

BREAKING NEWS! Join me and the rest of the LAP staff for five more WTF Headlines here

Hold on to that knob! It’s time to revisit The Door in our newsroom

The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance): Sentinel of journalistic history and guardian of our commode since 1971.

The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance): Sentinel of journalistic history and guardian of our commode since 1971.

There’s no need to rub your eyes or splash cold water on your face! And you, the one banging your head with a ream of copy paper: Stop that.

What you’re seeing is REAL.

That truly is The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance), which is the most important door in our two-door newsroom. Not just because it leads to the commode, but also because it displays the best and worst examples of print journalism clipped and taped there by reporters at Siuslaw News since the 1970s. We like to think of The Door as the Smithsonian of journalistic history, except with the occasional sound of flushing. As I mentioned a couple of months ago when I closed The Door after it’s year-long run as a weekly feature here, I would re-open it under the following conditions:

1) A new example of print journalism Shame, Blame or Brilliance has been deemed worthy of inclusion


2) Our delivery guy, “Joe,” hasn’t used the commode in at least two days

As you’ve probably guessed by now, each of these incredibly strict criteria has been met! (And if you haven’t guessed that by now, a position in Walmart security is waiting for you.) What this means is that we will be participating in an extremely rare induction ceremony for The Door, which hasn’t occurred since running out of glue sticks and adhesives in the mid 1980s. Continue reading

Journalists can’t wait to be shown… The Door

The Door in our newsroom: a sentinel of newspaper clippings, held together by history and a lot of tape.

The Door in our newsroom: a sentinel of newspaper clippings, held together by history and a lot of tape.

For those who have been following The Door, particularly in the last few weeks, then you know that media powerhouses ABC, CBS, NBC and the 700 Club have been pressuring me for an interview and exclusive access to what Diane Sawyer called “A journalistic treasure equal to the late Barbara Walters, God rest her soul… hmm? Oh, sorry. I mean, if she were dead.”

Needless to say the pressure has been tremendous. Even Morley Safer was pulled out of retirement to hound me, which he has been doing by continuously faxing images of his rear with the words “I will make you crack.”

So, yes — things have been a little tense here in the Siuslaw News editorial room, where The Door remains safe from blatant commercialism and media hype, while continuing to serve its dual purpose as both a journalistic mecca and restroom door. For those who may be visiting for the first time, perhaps because you have just been rescued from a deserted island along with a volleyball named “Wilson,” I should explain that The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance), is home to a collection of the best and worst examples of newspaper journalism, taped there by reporters at the Siuslaw News since the 1970s, back when most interviews took place while sitting naked in a grassy field. Each week, we highlight one of those historic examples, after which we wash our hands repeatedly. Continue reading

Statistics don’t lie

Teen preg For those of you who made fun of me for over-reacting to a nightmare I had about my daughter’s first date (Click here), I offer this headline in support of my decision to not allow either of my daughters to date until they are 30…