Tag: funny

Need ideas for your own exciting fireworks show? This won’t help

image Except for those living in Missouri, where the only fireworks restriction is a requirement that all skyrockets exceeding the length of a standard boat trailer be flagged during transport, most Americans have watched their Independence Day fireworks excitement dwindle from first-strike capability through the 1990s, to today’s wimpy sparklers and fountains with spark-spitting action equal to…

well…

…three sparklers tied together?

Americans age 30 and older remember having sparklers so bright they could see them through their eyelids. The bravest kids would spin them like propellers, showering crackling embers everywhere and knowing full well their eyebrows would grow back by September. Continue reading Need ideas for your own exciting fireworks show? This won’t help

How I spent my summer vacation (which was Saturday)

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It’s a WRAP! Principal production for Terminator: Nedisys ended Saturday evening. Keep in mind that when I say “principal production,” we’re talking about an iPod, a selfie-stick and a special effects budget limited to recycling my Dos Equis bottles. Still, it’s not every day you get to ask a street and bar full of people to pretend you’re naked because you’re making a Terminator spoof.

Then again, after walking around in a red thong on the dunes to shoot the opening, this seemed almost blasé. Except without the sunburn. Continue reading How I spent my summer vacation (which was Saturday)

Hey, snoring is the sign of a seasoned journalist

What may appear as sleeping to the untrained eye is actually the complex routine of a seasoned journalist focused on a Pulitzer … or possibly a Putziler.
Some of you may recognize the photo, which is from my About page. The truth is, every journalist has a routine. For example, I always write my column early in the morning.

The earlier the better.

That’s because, generally speaking, I’m not awake yet. Sure, I may be drinking coffee and typing, but if you were to monitor my brain activity, it would register somewhere between an earthworm and the average American watching The Bachelorette (and sadly, I am an average American). Admittedly, my brain doesn’t open for business until about 10 a.m. By then, I’ve been at the keyboard for three or four hours with no real memory of what I’ve been writing.

I assure my editor this unique quirk is the sign of a seasoned professional. And she assures me the reason we need to keep replacing my keyboard is because, at least once a month, she finds me face down drooling on the return key. That may be true, but I tend to do my best work under pressure. And there’s nothing like the pressure of trying to finish a column before saliva short-circuits your keyboard. Continue reading Hey, snoring is the sign of a seasoned journalist

I’ve been busy having my butt kicked this week

Are you sure these aren't for horses?
Are you sure these aren’t for horses, Doc?
Let me just say I feel more than a little guilty about posting next to nothing this week. I’ve let you down and I apologize for that. On the other hand, in another few minutes, I won’t care. That’s because I’ll have taken my next round of pain meds.

After that, the only thing I’ll care about is remembering to blink from time to time so my eye balls don’t dry out.

I suppose I can always moisten them with my drool.

It’s been a tough week here and I’m not shamed to admit I’ve had my butt handed to me. Actually, not really “handed to me” as much as thrown at me like a game of Olympic competition dodgeball. Some of you may remember I was the only kid required to wear a helmet when playing dodgeball in middle school. Continue reading I’ve been busy having my butt kicked this week

Not being taken seriously has its advantages

image At Siuslaw News and newspapers everywhere, editorial and advertising staff are strange bedfellows. Anyone who’s been to our company pajama parties knows this.

Assumning they can remember anything.

But no matter how much one department may feel it’s more important than the other, both know they rely on each other for survival. Without advertising dollars, you don’t get a paycheck; without editorial content, you are… FOX News.

In which case no one takes you seriously, including advertisers.

And maybe even your mother. Continue reading Not being taken seriously has its advantages

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into The Bat Cave

I should preface this movie trailer for my upcoming film, “The Shadow of Batman,” by assuring you there will not be any fighting with Superman.

Nor was Ben Affleck allowed anywhere near a Batsuit.

In fact, the lead role is portrayed by a relative unknown. And by “relative unknown,” I mean a family member unknown to anyone who doesn’t already follow this blog. The following trailer offers a glimpse of how we’ve returned to the more kitty gritty, mysterious caped crusader of the orgininal comic book — when the mere shadow of Batman was enough to send villains scurrying like mice…

For more on this, and a brand new music video by the multi-talented blogger Gunmetal Geisha, we have joined forces for today’s post over at Long Awkward Pause!

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Time to mow again? Learn CPR first

image Men, now that spring is here, it’s time to start preparing for the very real possibility you will soon be neck deep in grass clippings. I know this because I received a Sears catalogue depicting what appears to be an all-American family taking time off from its busy modeling schedule to cook hamburgers on a brand new stainless steel grill large enough to accommodate an entire side of bull elk. As you would expect, children were in the yard squirting each other with water toys and running barefoot over a perfectly manicured lawn which, judging from the size of the family dog, must be self-cleaning. Mom was nearby, well oiled and laying on a lawn chair in her bathing suit, still recovering from her recent Victoria’s Secret lingerie shoot in the Bahamas.

Around the Hickson household, summer starts out a little differently. I was reminded of this yesterday as I stood in our back yard, waist-deep in weeds, swatting at a mosquito with a rusty spatula and trying to remember the last time I saw our hibachi. Continue reading Time to mow again? Learn CPR first

Can life be the same with less bacon in it?

image The thing I hate most about doctors — not counting proctologists — is that they’re always trying to tell you HOW TO LIVE!

For example: “Ned, unless you lower your blood pressure, you’re going to die.”

The nerve!

Though I’m well within my optimum weight range (190 lbs.) for my age (48) and height (6’1″), am active and have a relatively low-stress lifestyle (when our three teens aren’t home), my blood pressure is still high.

Apparently, it’s something that runs in my family. Which is ironic considering my family isn’t known for running.

Anywhere.

Because I don’t really need to lose weight and my heart sounds fine, my doctor has started me on a very mild dose of blood pressure medicine. “Just take 10 milligrams each morning at breakfast,” he said.

“Can I wrap it in bacon first? Ha! Ha!” I joked.

Well, mostly. Continue reading Can life be the same with less bacon in it?

40 years ago this week, “Jaws” made a bed-wetter out of me

image I was a few weeks short of my ninth birthday when Jaws premiered in our local theater. Even though I wasn’t old enough to see it, that didn’t keep us from sneaking into the darkened cinema to experience a movie that prolonged the bed-wetting experience by at least two years. Though I lived in Redondo Beach at the time, I was never a big fan of being on — or in — the ocean. To me, the sea was like a bees’ nest; naturally beautiful and the keeper of deliciousness, but I wasn’t going to stick my hand inside.

In the years since then, “Jaws” has become one of my favorite movies — an example of masterful storytelling by Steven Spielberg that is as engrossing today as it was 40 years ago. While I could identify most with Roy Scheider’s “Chief Brody,” it was Robert Shaw’s portrayal of “Quint” the shark hunter that I have come to appreciate the most — and whose telling of the “delivery of the bomb” still mesmerizes me every time. Continue reading 40 years ago this week, “Jaws” made a bed-wetter out of me

Graduates, don’t look back… because your old room is already a hot tub

(Hi, you’ve reached Ned’s Blog. I’m not here right now because I’m over at Long Awkward Pause today, dispensing my sage advice to graduates. Or was that rosemary? Anyway, come on over if you have thyme…)

image To this year’s high school graduates:

As you cross the stage to receive your diploma, remember that you’re crossing a brand new threshold in your young life. That’s because, in most cases, your parents have already arranged for the contents of your room to be hauled onto the front lawn and sold, probably during the graduation ceremony itself.

Or maybe even at the graduation ceremony itself:

“Before we call our next graduate, I’d like to turn your attention to the roller blades I’m wearing. They, along with other items belonging to Jeffery Schlopendorf, will be available for purchase after the ceremony in the courtyard.”

That’s right; by the time you get home, you’ll be lucky if you’re room still has the same light switch. I know this may sound harsh, but it is something that parents do out of LOVE. It’s about your parents helping you make that important transition into independence, even if it means turning your bedroom into patio space between the new hot tub and gazebo. (More at Long Awkward Pause HERE)