Tag: funny

Don’t worry: It’s just your toilet paper getting smaller

Evolution of toilet paper I have a friend in Atlanta who I consider an astute observer. The kind of person who is aware of even the most subtle changes in routine or appearance. Which is why it came as no surprise when I received the following e-mail from him:

I think they shrunk my toilet paper.

According to “Derf” (Note: Out of respect for his privacy I have created a fictitious name that should not be held up to a mirror), his recent purchase of Scott toilet paper seemed “more narrow than normal.”

Because many of you are probably reading this over breakfast, I will not explain how he reached this conclusion, nor will I ever be caught without two-ply toilet paper should he come to visit. What I will tell you is that, after reading about his deductive process, I felt a need to go clean my hands, which I did, by dipping them in kerosene and lighting them on fire. Continue reading Don’t worry: It’s just your toilet paper getting smaller

Give up coffee… What was I THINKING?!?

image As many of you know, giving up coffee was one of my New Year’s resolutions. I made this decision because I felt it was a healthy thing to do and that, by cutting down on coffee and caffeine, I would be a better, stronger and healthier person.

I was wrong.

After a week without my coffee, I was simply crankier. I missed the ritual of making the coffee, smelling the coffee and getting the perfect amount of cream and sugar as much as I missed the caffeine.

Ok, that’s not entirely true; I missed the caffeine more. How much more? Here is a sequence of photos taken this morning from our security/productivity camera in the breakroom at Siuslaw News. After seeing these, I’ve decided to no longer deny myself the simple pleasure of having my coffee. If for no other reason than to keep this from happening again… Continue reading Give up coffee… What was I THINKING?!?

Portion control probably won’t be one of my New Year’s resolutions

image I won’t graze before my meal,
I refuse to overeat, doggone it;
I swear to stop feeding my face
at some point before I vomit.

I had repeated this mantra to myself in preparation for the Christmas holiday meal, hoping to curb my normal routine of eating so much that I’m forced to change my breathing pattern to something that sounds like a cheetah in heat.

In the past, I’ve simply given in and accepted my fate, preparing for it by wearing one of those long sweaters which hides the fact that, once my pants are unbuttoned, the only thing holding them up is a small strip of packaging tape on each hip — a technique which allows my new center of gravity to shift, and therefore keep me from toppling into the gravy boat when leaning across the dinner table.

It was while standing in line at the hardware store with a roll of double-sided, maximum-hold packaging tape that I had an epiphany — a life-changing moment sparked by two important realizations:

• First, I was setting myself up for failure by purchasing the tape.
And second,
• I’d forgotten my wallet at home. Continue reading Portion control probably won’t be one of my New Year’s resolutions

Deck the brawls (A Christmas tale…sort of)

image If you think trying to explain to your child why there are two Santas on the same city block is hard…

You see, dear, there is a thing called the space-time continuum….

Or,

You’ve never heard of Santa’s twin brother…?

…try explaining why those same two Santas are in a back alley, jabbing red-mittened fists at each other.

That was my job one Christmas Eve many years ago as my daughter and I did a little window gazing in Portland. We’d come to see the lights and shop displays in the hope of starting our own holiday tradition. Instead, we stumbled onto a pair of brawling Santas as we crossed an alleyway in downtown.

“Hey Dad, LOOK!” my daughter exclaimed, pointing her tiny finger at them.

We both froze; her out of confusion, me out of fatherly fear.

This is going to be one of those life-altering parental moments, I thought to myself. My answer could either comfort her in later years, or gradually transform her into a serial killer. Continue reading Deck the brawls (A Christmas tale…sort of)

It’s official now: I have a poster and everything

image I stopped in at Fred Meyer and found these greeting me at each entrance. How do I know there is one in each lobby? Because after seeing one in the north side I ran as fast as I could casually strolled to the other entrance and pretended I needed a sanitary wipe for the basket I didn’t actually have.

Admittedly, it was pretty neat seeing the posters in place for Saturday’s book-signing fundraiser. Not to mention how clean my hands were after wiping them repeatedly while standing next to the poster waiting to be recognized — which didn’t take long.

“Hey, you’re that GUY!”
“Who, me? Well…”
“Yeah, I was your trash collector the morning after that big ice storm.”
“I’m not sure I remember…”
“You ran out in your underwear and slipped on the curb.”
“I don’t remember that”
“You landed headfirst in the recycle bin.”
“I think you have me confused with someone else.”
“Isn’t that you on the poster?”
“My hands are clean. I have to leave now.”

Can’t wait for Saturday…

And here’s that time I was stalked by Santa

Apparently, he also sees you when your shopping.
Apparently, he also sees you when you’re shopping.
If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter (probably against your better judgement) then you may have seen this photo taken a few days ago by a security camera at Fred Meyer. Many of you have asked what the story is behind this bizarre image, which some have compared to the famous 1967 footage of Bigfoot walking through the woods (presumably just looking for a quiet place to take a poo…)

image

In this case, however, Long Awkward Pause assigned me to get a photo of Santa for the site because, as Chris De Voss put it, “Santa can fill a lot of blank space we’d otherwise have fill with one of your posts.” Ignoring what was an obvious slam about… Yeah, Santa’s weight problem… I accepted the assignment and headed over to our local Freddy’s. When I arrived and began looking for a parking space, it was clear word of Santa’s arrival had already sent some people into a frenzy, causing some to simply abandon their vehicles in order to see him first… (Santa is watching, so join me for the rest at Long Awkward Pause!)

Still looking for the perfect gift? This probably won’t help

image When it comes to buying a gift for that special someone this holiday season, nothing says I love you like pepper spray. At least, that’s according to the Bureau of Shopping Statistics, which says that personal protection devices are big sellers during the holiday season.

This fact is supported by ex-NRA spokesman Charleton Heston, who once said, and I quote: “Get your paws off me you dirty, stinking ape!”

What this means, of course, is that I’ve had too much coffee, and therefore should be the last person in possession of any type of weapon. It also means that the threat of apes uniting to take over the world using pepper spray is very real — which makes Christmas the perfect time to arm your loved ones with a personal protection device capable of stopping your average primate.

If there are any English students reading this, that last paragraph was called a “segue,” which is a tool that writers often use when they:

a) Lose their point
b) Lose their mind
c) Stay up late watching Planet of the Apes. Continue reading Still looking for the perfect gift? This probably won’t help

A gift for the person who has everything, including flatulence

image According to the Under-Tec Corporation in Pueblo, Colo., every day there are millions of people around the world who find themselves trapped in elevators, small cars and copy rooms with people who are unable to meet gas emission standards. This condition, known in medical terms as malodorous flatus (a Latin term meaning “The dog did it”) has been a major focus for Under-Tec, an undergarment development company that, according to its website, was the first to introduce “A new generation of protective underwear for flatulence” called Under-Ease.

Why do I bring this up?

Not for the reason you might think.

Being a journalist, I sometimes rely on “sources” to provide me with “tips” for “breaking” news. These tips come in may forms, including anonymous voicemails, notes left on my windshield or, like this morning, a newspaper clipping taped to my monitor with the words:

You should look into this. I mean it.
— Annonim Anonnym Your Editor

So as you can see, I really had no choice. Continue reading A gift for the person who has everything, including flatulence

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

As I’m sure you can imagine, being a newspaper columnist I am literally inundated each day with hundreds of emails. I then go through these messages one by one and, after deleting all the male enhancement offers, take time to respond to the occasional email sent by an actual reader. Oftentimes these emails are in response to a specific column that resonated with them, made them laugh or gave them a different persepctive. Some will even include the column in their email, along with a personal note, such as:

“Why can’t YOU write stuff like this, you HACK!” Continue reading … This Just In …

What can you do with all those literary leftovers?

image Welcome to a special post-Thanksgiving edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing! What makes this week’s NWOW special? It’s the only day of the year I can refer to my writing tips as “giblets of wisdom” without sounding really weird. The same goes for other Thanksgiving-themed writing idioms, such as “stuffing the bird,” “mixing my gravy” and “rinsing the gizzard.”

Ok, you’re right. Those last three still sound weird.

For those of you who may be visiting for the first time (assuming you’re still reading), my weekly NWOW is when I gather the insights gained from 16 years as a newspaper columnist and offer them like the neatly-wrapped innards of a holiday turkey; obviously important enough to include but something no one really wants to think about. Continue reading What can you do with all those literary leftovers?