Tag: funny

Six more reasons for a Long Awkward Pause this Saturday

It’s Saturday, which means I’m with the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause commenting on this week’s Saturday Six, or as I like to call it: Six reasons to wash your eye balls. This week’s subject? Those things our kids make for us that we can’t hang on the fridge because, while thoughtful, are unintentionally inappropriate. At least we hope it’s unintentional.

For example…

imageBrainRants:  Oh, so this is just like American Pie.

Omawarisan: Buzz also knows how they fill Twinkies.

Chris: Seems like this should be Woody’s job.

Ned: When this kid grows up, I’ll never buy from his bakery.

Want more examples? Don’t worry! There’s help available! Join me over at LAP…

Six reasons Saturday mornings are time for a Long Awkward Pause

Every Saturday morning, I and the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause take turns chiming in on The Saturday Six, which is a series of (Warning: spoiler alert!) six related items that should probably be destroyed after reading. This week’s list asks: What if ad slogans had to be truthful?

imageChris: The BBQ pizza scares me…what is that meat they use? Is it even legal?

Katie: Another alternative: “People eat here for some reason (and that reason is because they hate themselves).”

Ned: Can’t find what you’re looking for on our salad bar? Try the sneeze guard!

(Ok, so that leaves…. uh… *removes socks* five more HERE)

What do Etta James, AC/DC and John Denver have in common? My Life in Six Songs.

image You may have heard of the My Life in Six Songs challenge at Running on Sober, where bloggers are invited to come tell their life story in six songs. Or less, depending on how quickly they go insane trying to pick the right songs. Obviously, the older you are the more difficult it is because 1) You’ve experienced more in your life, 2) You’ve heard more music, and 3) You keep forgetting which songs you’ve already picked. Being almost 30 40 45 FINE! 48! picking six songs and explaining why they best represent your life is a lot like picking an ice cream at Cold Stone: So many to choose from and, ultimately, you know you’re going to have a brain freeze.

In the end, my six song choices came down to music from Carole King, John Williams, Brad Paisley, Bill Withers, Etta James and AC/DC, with a bonus track from John Denver — my waffle cone, so to speak. I had the privilege of sharing the honor with Victoria at Neuronotes, who is a highly intelligent and well spoken woman who knows her way around science as much as she does the human condition — qualities that are a stark contrast to…

Well, me.

To experience this contrast firsthand, and understand how Etta James and AC/DC each play a role in my life’s soundtrack, just ask the DJ… here

Apparently, one Fiddler on the Roof actually played a trombone

"Skippy" the rabid, blindfolded squirrel in his natural habitat. Pretty much.
“Skippy” the rabid, blindfolded squirrel in his natural habitat. Pretty much.
“RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!”

It’s been a week since those words were exclaimed in Braveheart fashion, sending Skippy, our newsroom’s resident rabid squirrel, on a journey to collect your odd and inexplicable photos. Why?

Because Skippy really needs to get out more.

But also because, With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility. And thanks to Kerbey at I Don’t Get It, I realized I have an obligation to use my investigative journalism superpowers to reveal the truth behind more than just The Box of old, unidentified and unclaimed photos in our newsroom. That’s why, like Spider-Man, I am swinging into action to help others, except without the sticky webbing or skin-tight body suit — because I also have a responsibility not to frighten people. Continue reading Apparently, one Fiddler on the Roof actually played a trombone

Gone in 60 Minutes (Or why I won’t be cast in a Fast & Furious movie)

image Welcome to Post Traumatic Sundays, which are posts written during my first marriage. None have appeared on this blog before, and only a couple were included in my book. So what’s the point, you ask? Simply to offer reflections from someone dealing with an unhappy marriage in the best way he knew how:

With humor.

Eight years later, I am happily re-married to someone who inspires me each day to laugh for the right reasons. It’s good to laugh with you now — for all the right reasons…

* * * * * * * *

They say it takes a car thief less than a minute to break into a vehicle, hot wire it, and be on their way. So, when I locked my keys in the car in the grocery store parking lot, I thought, “Hey, if Nick Cage or Vin Diesel can do it, so can I.”

True, I had no “Slim Jim,” or any other special car theft device to work with, at least not until I remembered the coat hanger that holds the bumper in place. With a little twisting and unraveling, the wire came off and I had my thieves’ tool. Continue reading Gone in 60 Minutes (Or why I won’t be cast in a Fast & Furious movie)

Writing is a lot like weightlifting, except without the abs

image Thanks for joining us for another edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when I take the collective wisdom gathered from 15 years as a columnist and, much like an all-you-can-eat burrito bar, offer ingredients that will satisfy your writing hunger while still leaving you a little gassy. But don’t just take my word for it! Publisher’s Digest has heralded my weekly writing tips as “…A step-by-step guide to literary success, as long as you can walk backwards…” and what ®The Master of Horror Stephen King has called “…Writing milestones you’ll keep stubbing your toe on…”

But enough accolades!

It struck me this morning at the gym, while diligently pumping iron from a seated position at the smoothie bar, the number of similarities there are between reaching your fitness goals and writing goals, and how, in both cases, you will likely fail if you attempt too much too fast — especially if you’re trying to show off and accidentally flatulate while attempting a power lift. OK, now that the obligations required by my Gas-X sponsorship have been met, we can move on to how the same principles that make up a good fitness plan can be applied to achieving your writing goals. (Make sure to stop in next week, when Trojan will sponsor tips on expanding your readership.) Continue reading Writing is a lot like weightlifting, except without the abs

On deck for the next #mywritingprocess Blog Tour

Coming to a blog near you! (Unless we break down)
Coming to a blog near you! (Unless we break down)
Welcome to a special post-Easter edition of Ned’s Blog. For those who have been directed here by Ross Murray at Drinking Tips for Teens as part of the #mywritingprocess blog tour, thanks for coming. Hopefully it wasn’t for the refreshments because, regardless of what Ross might’ve told you, I stopped offering them after I found a red wine stain on my blog. In addition to those following the tour, I realize there are still others who may have stumbled onto this blog like last year’s overlooked Easter egg; understandably, you are confused and a bit hesitant to know what’s inside.

I should explain that my part of the #mywritingprocess blog tour, including answers to the four poignant questions posed so poignantly to each poignant blogger (such as “Do you think vocabulary is important?), isn’t scheduled to be posted until May 2. This allows the wisdom of the previous blogger — or in this case, what Ross said — to ferment like a fine Muscat before, eventually, someone breaks into a rendition of “Muscat Love” and, indeed, it is time to move on to the next bloggers on the tour. Continue reading On deck for the next #mywritingprocess Blog Tour

Sad breaking news…

DATELINE: OREGON — Call it a sign of the times, but this image shows how even in a state where all residence are required to wear hiking boots and smoking is strictly limited to medicinal marijuana (mostly), childhood obesity has gotten so prevalent that some parents are being forced to sell their children…

Sadly, more than 100 families in Harrisburg, Ore. have opted to sell their "huge" children rather than pay for a health club membership.
Sadly, more than 100 families in Harrisburg, Ore. have opted to sell their “huge” children rather than pay for a health club membership.

A gift from The Hook (or why I tell him I don’t celebrate Christmas)

image They say the best gifts are the ones you never ask for. They also say to never look a gift horse in the mouth. While I agree with both of those sentiments, I have to assume “they” have never received a gift from Robert Hookey, comedic maestro behind The Hook and Rob Ford’s running mate for the 2016 Niagara Falls Moose Lodge presidential race.

Perhaps because he is Canadian and not subject to U.S. privacy laws, or possibly because he has an overactive imagination fueled by pure maple syrup, Hook claimed to have discovered information about me which — as a gift — he promised to keep quiet. However, because I believe in full disclosure, and because these were too funny to keep to myself, I have included his discoveries here, along with some explanations. Mostly because I don’t want Peter Dinklage kicking down my door.

I promise it will make sense later… Continue reading A gift from The Hook (or why I tell him I don’t celebrate Christmas)

Photo from ‘The Box’ re-opens case of missing hillbillies

image Some of you may have noticed the last few postings of The Box have been missing on Tuesdays. That’s because, as regular readers of this feature, you have developed an investigative journalist’s eye for detail. For those who may not have noticed because of reading with irregularity, you may want to add Triscuits to your diet. Regardless, the reason The Box has been on hiatus is simple: journalism is a dangerous job.

Especially when “Skippy” the rabid, blindfolded squirrel is unaccounted for.

Each Tuesday, with Skippy’s help, I utilize my investigative journalism skills to determine the circumstances within a photo selected from The Box: a collection of unidentified photos that has remained unclaimed in our newsroom since the 1980s. Sort of like those 1984 graduation party photos your kids found and that you deny being in. Continue reading Photo from ‘The Box’ re-opens case of missing hillbillies