Lately, my wife and I have been binge-watching several TV series at once on Netflix.
Sons of Anarchy.
Breaking Bad.
Prisonbreak.
As much as I’d like to think the result has led me to a higher plane of moral existance through the peripheral experience of others who have made mistakes and fallen into a life of crime, murder and mayhem, it seems that I’ve only taken away one lasting life lesson…
It may be time to start watching more Disney movies…
It’s been more than 250 years since John Joseph Merlin invented the roller skate. Considering that there were no cement sidewalks, asphalt streets or concrete half-pipes in 1760, then one can only assume Mr. Merlin’s intention was to commit suicide.
Hmmm, running myself into a wall at full speed probably won’t do the me in. But maybe if I was rolling down a hill..?!?
I thought about this during a recent trip to Eugene, which is the closest big city to us and home to many University of Oregon students who roller skate through downtown. They do this as a way to leave a smaller carbon footprint, which is ironic considering I go through twice as much carbon in my brake pads by trying to avoid hitting them in traffic. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a roller-skate prude shaking his fist at a generation of whippersnappers with their fancy moves and ibuprofen-free flexibility. In fact, it wasn’t long ago (Okay, 10 years *cough cough*) I was lacing up my own skates in a show of dexterity rivaling any speed-skating Olympian suffering a leg cramp at 40 mph. Continue reading There’s no upside to performing a diaper change in roller skates
The three elements of a “Perfect Storm” came together here on the Oregon coast two years ago today. And no, I’m not talking about Bigfoot, Geraldo Rivera and Fox News. I’m talking about a combination of natural elements that led to one of my favorite moments here on this blog:
Extremely strong winds
Heavy rain
My weak acrobatic skills.
Granted, this is always a dangerous combination. Especially when my family suggests I do something funny, like pretend the wind is lifting me off the ground. Under normal circumstance — such as sitting on the couch, completely dry and nowhere near a pole — this would not have been a problem. But as we made our way through the school parking lot fighting the wind and rain, the third element of this Perfect Storm scenario developed.
“Honey, you should do that pole thing where you lift your legs up like it’s windy,” my wife suggested. “I’ll get a picture!”
“But it really IS windy,” I replied.”
“Exactly! It’ll look even funnier!”
Naturally, my response was what you’d expect from a then 47-year-old man with limited health coverage.
“COOL! OKAY!”
After taking the above photo, we all had a good laugh. Then my loving wife suggested we take it up a notch. “Hey, let’s do a video of it!” Continue reading Because sometimes being goofy is worth a second look
(A year ago today, the lovely and talented Sisterwives invited me to offer a man’s perspective on Valentine’s Day. I saw it as my opportunity to open the lines of love-communication between the sexes. As the Day of Love approaches, here’s hoping men and women get something other than a busy signal…)
Since the dawn of time, man has feared Valentine’s Day. I’m a journalist, so you can trust my facts on this. And because I’m a man, you can also trust me when I tell you our fear isn’t because we don’t want to express feelings of love and romance; it’s because we are afraid of looking stupid while doing so.
This fear has been documented as far back as prehistoric times, in a pair of cave drawings paleontologists say depicts a caveman named “Glork” trying to court a cavewoman.
Image one: To demonstrate his masculinity and win a cavewoman’s affections, Glork fights a saber-toothed lion
Image two: Glork is eaten
Millions of years later, though the risk of being eaten by a large predator is relatively low (not counting cougar attacks), men still fear that their attempt to express love could lead to a fate worse than death: Embarrassment. Continue reading Men: The key to romance? Don’t be afraid to look foolish
As many of you know (meaning literally dozens), after harrassing you every Friday for two years with my writing tips, I put Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing on hiatus while turning that series into a book: Pearls of Writing Wisdom From 16 Shucking Years as a Columnist.
Set for release this August (no, really), it’s a writer’s survival guide that Editor’s Weekly is already heralding as, “A handbook for writers as inspiring as a life-skills pep talk from Dr. Jack Kavorkian…”
And what Master of Horror® Stephen King has touted as “An essential part of every writer’s tool kit, unless they know a good mechanic.”
But enough accolades!
The reason I bring this up is because, yesterday, the first of 12 video vignettes from my book was released at Gliterary Girl Media and Port Hole Publications. Thanks to Hollywood director J.J. Abrams and special effects wizards from Industrial Lights and Magic, the imagery and storytelling are truly spectacular! And by that, I mean in the latest Star Wars movie. Neither J.J. Abrams or ILM had anything to do with my video.
Then again, neither does Jar-Jar Binks. So, technically speaking, our movies do have something in common when it comes to production value. Continue reading My self-defense video for writers
There are certain perks that come with being a syndicated columnist. For example, just last month at the Oregon Plumbling Convention, I was honored with delivering the opening plunge in the Northwest Clogged Commode competition. In terms of prestige, this is like ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. At least in the competitive plumbing circuit. I have also been a guest judge at the Portland Freestyle Burping Contest and keynote speaker at the Nouns of Baskervilles writers conference. Yet in spite of my notariety, I was admittedly a little surprised when Taco Bell included me among its new “Mystery Box Menu Item” promotional ads for the Super Bowl.
If you haven’t see these commercials, sports stars like James Harden and other high-profile celebrities are given a plain green box representing Taco Bell’s new menu item, but aren’t told what the item is. That’s because thanks to marketing wizardry — and an unfortunate incident that resulted in 500,000 burned taco shells — the new item won’t be available to the general public until Feb. 8. But considering the release of the Waffle Taco last year, we can all agree anything is possible. Which could explain how I ended up with a “Mystery Box” in the first place. Continue reading See? I’m just as in the dark as everyone about Taco Bell’s new menu item
By now, I’m sure most of you have seen the new Taco Bell commercials promoting its new “Mystery Menu Item,” which will be reviled revealed during the Super Bowl. In these commercials, sports stars like James Harden and other celebrities are given a plain green box representing the new item, but aren’t told what the item is.
Or whether the green box is actually edible.
But if you’re a gambler by nature, you can pre-order the mystery item and get one Super Bowl Sunday, a day before it’s available to the general public on Feb. 8. Yes, that’s a full 24 hours before others in your area will get their first taste of the Meaty Cinnabon Wrap!
Or Double-Decker Mexi-Fries-a-rrito.
Or Chicken Twisty Supreme.
Continue reading How did I end up in a Taco Bell commercial?
For the last several years I’ve promised myself I would do my taxes early. And for the last several years I have found myself Tokyo-drifting my way to the post office at 11:59 p.m. April 14. This year, I was determined to get an early start. After clearing off the kitchen table and finding an outlet for the calculator, I sat down to do my taxes. As always, I made sure to have all the necessary documentation and forms, like W4s, tax forms, bank statements, insurance reports, tax schedules and, most importantly, a box of Kleenex.
As I sat staring at this year’s tax booklet, I noticed a special section of “Tax Terms,” which is an alphabetical listing of terms one may encounter during the tax preparation process. Each term is followed by a brief description meant to enlighten the truth-seeking taxpayer through “real-life” examples. For instance, the IRS uses “Jane” and “John” to illustrate the term “Ability to Pay.” In this scenario, Jane is filthy rich, with homes on both coasts that she visits by way of her own Lear jet.
By comparison, John earns what the IRS calls a “more modest salary,” which affords him a flashlight and a camper shell to live in. Continue reading Get a jump start on your taxes! (And depression!)
(This morning I’m over at Long Awkward Pause, where I just finished interviewing the U.S. Surgeon General about America’s obesity problem — which, like many Americans, continues to get bigger…)
Like many of you, I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the shocking news that obesity had officially become the No. 1 preventable health crisis in the nation. In fact, I can even tell you which super-sized meal I was eating.
With millions of Americans resolved to lose weight for the New Year, now is the perfect time for us to make changes in our eating habits before the unthinkable happens, and we’re forced to apologize to the French for throwing the Earth off its axis.
With that in mind, we at Long Awkward Pause scheduled a special Q&A session with the U.S. Surgeon General to explain America’s obesity problem, and how we can get back to living healthy lives cut short by smoking and drinking… (More at LAP)
Like millions of Americans, I recently stripped down, prepared myself for the worst, and stepped onto the scale. Soon after, I retrieved the scale from the front yard and accepted the fact that, yes — it probably was defective. At my wife’s suggestion, I tried our neighbor’s scale. This led to the discovery that, of the 23 scales I tested within a five-mile radius of our home, every single one was off by exactly 11 pounds. Being a journalist, I had to wonder: Was this a widespread problem? Were we being duped into needless exercise by faulty scales?
I immediately brought this to the attention of my editor, who, realizing the implications, told me to stay out of her candy drawer.
The truth is, I have no one but myself to blame for putting on these extra pounds. This is why, every year around this time, people just like me make a commitment to start going to the gym. I know this because I recognize most of these people from last year. We all have the same expression: grim determination mixed with a sense of purpose in knowing that, afterward, there’s a KFC right across the street. We come dressed with headbands and towels over our shoulders even though we spend most of our time wandering around the gym looking for water bottles. Continue reading Open contempt for those in better shape is first step to a healthier you
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