Tag: humor

Your publishing contract; time to learn a foreign language

In these times of economic instability, isn’t it great knowing each Friday, no matter what the NASDAQ is doing or how much your stock in Nike’s new Cat Sweater Division has taken a dump, that Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing is still only 5 cents?! How do I continue to keep the price so low? Simple! I guest blog on the literary website Gliterary Girl each week, without their knowledge, and pass the savings on to YOU! So until Sara O’Connor finds out, or someone realizes I’m the only male blogger on an all-women website, I’ll continue to offer my nickel’s worth of advice at this bargain price. Payment can be made by fax, email or strapped to the leg of Hedwig…

Foreign language shirtI literally just returned from my first sit-down meeting with the publishing company that wants to publish my book, Humor at the Speed of Life; a Brief Look at Bruce Jenner’s Anatomy.

OK, fine. Leave off the part about Bruce Jenner and you have the real title.

As I’ve mentioned before, after 15 years as a syndicated columnist, this is my first venture into book publishing. I am now sitting here with a cup of coffee and the contract, which I haven’t signed yet, looking at words in all-caps, such as “AUTHOR,” “GUARANTEE” and “WARRANTS.”

In my experience, the word “warrant” has never led to anything good. Continue reading Your publishing contract; time to learn a foreign language

Overcome your fear of flying by getting totally Flugtagged

Flugtag Pig It’s been 100 years since the Wright Brothers proved that manned flight was possible. This eventually led to the very first commercial flight and the discovery of something just as important in man’s pursuit of the sky:

The air-sickness bag.

You may not think this was an important discovery, but trust me: Anyone who has sat next to me during a flight on anything other than a coin-operated spaceship will tell you the only thing more important than the discovery of the air-sickness bag itself is discovering how to get rid of it once it’s been used.

For me, problems generally begin once we’ve reached our cruising altitude. This is when — for reasons I don’t quite understand — all pilots are trained to address their passengers by informing them exactly how high they are and how fast they’re going. I DON’T WANT to know these things. If I did, I wouldn’t be curled up in a fetal position with my thumbs in my ears and an air-sickness bag pinched between my knees. Continue reading Overcome your fear of flying by getting totally Flugtagged

This week on… The Door

Our actual door It’s Tuesday, which as we all know is like the 23rd birthday of the calendar week. Not particularly significant. It doesn’t have the distinction of being the dreaded beginning of the work week, or the catchy nickname of “Hump Day” to endear it, and no one ever exclaims: “Thank God it’s Tuesday!” For this reason, I chose to perk up Tuesdays by making it the day we highlight The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance), a piece of journalistic history here at the Siuslaw News that has had greatness thrust upon it. And while it’s rumored that other things have been thrust upon it over the years, we will be focusing on the multitude of newspaper headlines and clippings posted there by journalists since as far back as the 1970s. For loyal followers of The Door, let us repeat it’s mission statement (For added effect, say it slowly in a monotone voice):

To serve as a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism. Continue reading This week on… The Door

At this moment, someone might be staring at my blog

For my regular readers, and by that I don’t mean those of you who regularly have a BM at this time of the morning, you know it’s Flashback Sunday! For those of you who aren’t regular, you are probably irritable. Reading this blog may help. Sundays is when we go back into the archives and pull out some of the earliest posts, back when I thought “Freshly Pressed” was some snooty wine enthusiast blog. Today’s entry was my very first post, which also ran as a newspaper column. The subtle innuendo raised a few eyebrows. It also got me a raise because circulation jumped. I’m not sure what that says about my readership, but…

Haha! Who are we kidding! We know exactly what it says! Which reminds me to say something else:

Thank You.

And Happy Flashback Sunday… Continue reading At this moment, someone might be staring at my blog

The Matrix just reloaded itself in my email

Matrix... reloaded? As many of you know, last week I went to the printer at work, which I often do, and expected to find a copy of my potential Pulitzer-winning column on the dangers of battery-operated toilet plungers. Instead, I found a nearly blank piece of paper with the following three words:

trust and obey.

Yeah, pretty creepy.

Being a person grounded in hard journalistic reality and not prone to wild speculation, I quickly deduced it was a message from Lawrence Fishburn, trying to reach me from somewhere within the Matrix. And because many of you are also realists, the consensus was that I should prepare for my surroundings to dissolve into a series of green number codes at any moment. Continue reading The Matrix just reloaded itself in my email

Emails from readers — and why I probably need more disclaimers

Ned's Mailbox copy It’s been almost three months since I began guest posting weekly writing advice at Gliterary Girl and, as I’m sure you can imagine, my email account has been flooded with questions and feedback.

In fact, we’re going to imagine some right now…

[Insert gauzy dream sequence of Ned, sitting at his computer, thoughtfully scanning through the hundreds of emails he receives each day for male enhancement products…] Continue reading Emails from readers — and why I probably need more disclaimers

Inflatable church could have couples bouncing off the walls

100_0347 The creation of the inflatable church is without question, from a man’s perspective, the most exciting matrimonial advancement since the bachelor party because it means the fun no longer has to end the night before the wedding, somewhere in the general vicinity of a commode. That’s right, the excitement can continue the next day as the groom, flanked by his best man, bounces to the alter in his tube socks to await his blushing bride.

Because a fellow journalist friend and her sister are very close, and because I know how important it is that everything be perfect, I enthusiastically suggested the idea of an inflatable church for her sister’s wedding.

And because she knew I was really trying to help, she smiled and told me I had an inflatable head. Continue reading Inflatable church could have couples bouncing off the walls

Where the heck have I been?

SearchTeam_FL_0809_Binos I’m sure many of you have noticed my blog has been unusually quiet since Sunday. My regular Tuesday posting of The Door didn’t appear this week, and I haven’t posted a new column since last Friday.

OK, fine. No one actually noticed, so you’ll just have to take my word for it when I tell you: Yes, I’ve been a total blogging slacker this week.

But WAIT! Let me explain!

Ironically, the lack of activity on my blog is directly related to the amount of activity I’ve had going on outside of my blog, including attending a three-day advanced firefighting extrication class, which I will be teaching for our fire department beginning next month. If you lock your keys in the car and want the roof cut off in less than three minutes, I’m your man. The same goes for turning your car into a hard-top convertible or removing those pesky doors. Continue reading Where the heck have I been?

Only REAL men can iron clothes at 3,000 feet

Today’s entry for Flashback Sunday was originally inspired by my need to reclaim my masculinity from somewhere beneath the growing pile of ironing in our home. Being that this falls under my umbrella of responsibilities, it was necessary to make it as dangerous — and therefore manly — as possible. You can be the judge as to whether it was Mission Accomplished or Mission Impossible…

To prepare for the 2013 Extreme Ironing Championships, I have begun training at the Eugene Airport. My cardio and resting heart rate have improved dramatically thanks to my running partners at airport security!
I have reached the conclusion that most of the world’s ironing is now being done by men. I say this because it’s the only explanation I have for a sport called “extreme” ironing, which is actually being lobbied as an Olympic event by “ironing enthusiasts” — a phrase referred to in the Bible as a sign of the coming apocalypse.

“And four horsemen will come from the sky. And they will lay waste to the land, but not before having their robes pressed by ironing enthusiasts.”

It’s easy to understand how extreme ironing evolved if you keep in mind this simple truth about the male species:

Given enough time, any man performing a mundane task will find a way to hurt himself.

And if you can hurt yourself doing it, then it’s practically a sport already. Sure, bowling and golf may appear to be exceptions to this rule. But ask anyone who has ever jammed their finger in the ball return, or inadvertently left a tee in their back pocket, and they’ll tell you there is plenty of danger involved. Continue reading Only REAL men can iron clothes at 3,000 feet

Um… I think I may have entered the Matrix

Matrix message? In my 15 years here at the newspaper, I’ve grabbed more things off the printer than I can count. Which I realize isn’t that impressive considering the source. But a few minutes ago, not only did what I send to the printer disappear in to the void of space, but what I found waiting for me is possibly the most cryptic message I have ever received not involving a lawyer or psychic. So far, no one in the newsroom has claimed it as a missing page to their story — which makes me wonder: Is “Neo” trying to contact me from somewhere in the Matrix?!? Is the office suddenly going to dissolve into green, numbered code all around me?!? Am I just a human Duracell for The Machines?!?

Or have I just had too much coffee on deadline day?