Tag: journalism

This week, I’m looking for YOUR Nickel’s Worth on my book excerpt

image I’ve been talking about publishing my second book, “Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing: Pearls of writing wisdom from 16 shucking years as a columnist” since September. So guess what? That’s right!

It’s still not done.

However, please accept this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing as my doctor’s note. The truth is, I’ve been side-tracked by a lot of life-changing events the last few months, including moving into a new home, the latest season of The Bachelorette and the discovery of DubSmash. I’ve also been spending time visiting an old friend — a murder mystery I wrote 15 years ago.

They say for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Following that train of thought, the flip side of humor is drama. In this case, I’ve been delving into the flip side of my weekly humor column to work on “No Safe Harbor,” which has been collecting dust and patiently waiting for its final revision since I put it aside in 1999 to pursue my career as a columnist. I’ve decided the wait is finally over for this manuscript, which I’m preparing the final draft for in hopes of a mid-August debut. Continue reading This week, I’m looking for YOUR Nickel’s Worth on my book excerpt

Not being taken seriously has its advantages

image At Siuslaw News and newspapers everywhere, editorial and advertising staff are strange bedfellows. Anyone who’s been to our company pajama parties knows this.

Assumning they can remember anything.

But no matter how much one department may feel it’s more important than the other, both know they rely on each other for survival. Without advertising dollars, you don’t get a paycheck; without editorial content, you are… FOX News.

In which case no one takes you seriously, including advertisers.

And maybe even your mother. Continue reading Not being taken seriously has its advantages

Want to keep your writing fresh? Start with regular flossing

image I’d like to thank the American Dental Association for sponsoring this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, which brings me to a startling statistic: 4-out-of-5 dentists have never recommended or even heard of this blog. The fifth dentist only heard about it when, moments after my lips went numb, I was trying to say “Ben Roethlisberger’s lob” and he thought I said “Ned’s worthless blog.” Regardless, there are many similarities between keeping a fresh feeling to your writing and avoiding gingivitis. So think of me as your “literary orthodontist” as I take you through a quick writer’s check-up. Please remember I don’t have a saliva vacuum…

Flossing:
A good dentist will tell you it’s important to floss between meals, and will demonstrate its importance by flossing for you during your visit. That’s unless he also happens to be your proctologist, in which case I’d like to welcome you to the National Health Care Plan. Continue reading Want to keep your writing fresh? Start with regular flossing

Breaking News your cat will probably deny…

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Want to boost your daughter’s self image? Don’t go for bust

image When I first read about Jenna Franklin, the British girl whose parents are giving her $8,000 breast implants for her 16th birthday, I was shocked by the notion of a father willing to be part of anything that would make his teenaged daughter more enticing to teenaged boys.

Looking ahead to my own daughter’s sweet 16, I’ve begun saving up for a special birthday ensemble that includes sheet-metal pants and a turtleneck sweater made of chain-link. And possibly a make-up kit to go with it, depending on whether she wears her metal visor up or down.

I have no doubt my daughter will thank me later for adding a degree of difficulty to the courtship process, which will eliminate those who aren’t persistent.

Or, at the very least, those without a blow torch.

While Franklin’s parents say their “gift” is meant to boost their daughter’s self esteem, I don’t think going for bust is the answer. Even though Kay and Martin Franklin are cosmetic surgeons themselves, and say they only want the breast for their daughter, they have to see how the need for self-image “improvements” won’t end there. Continue reading Want to boost your daughter’s self image? Don’t go for bust

Graduates, don’t look back… because your old room is already a hot tub

(Hi, you’ve reached Ned’s Blog. I’m not here right now because I’m over at Long Awkward Pause today, dispensing my sage advice to graduates. Or was that rosemary? Anyway, come on over if you have thyme…)

image To this year’s high school graduates:

As you cross the stage to receive your diploma, remember that you’re crossing a brand new threshold in your young life. That’s because, in most cases, your parents have already arranged for the contents of your room to be hauled onto the front lawn and sold, probably during the graduation ceremony itself.

Or maybe even at the graduation ceremony itself:

“Before we call our next graduate, I’d like to turn your attention to the roller blades I’m wearing. They, along with other items belonging to Jeffery Schlopendorf, will be available for purchase after the ceremony in the courtyard.”

That’s right; by the time you get home, you’ll be lucky if you’re room still has the same light switch. I know this may sound harsh, but it is something that parents do out of LOVE. It’s about your parents helping you make that important transition into independence, even if it means turning your bedroom into patio space between the new hot tub and gazebo. (More at Long Awkward Pause HERE)

Stressed at the office? Try my 25-second self-help DubSmash video

As I’m sure you can imagine, working in the newsroom of a small-town newspaper — where there could be as many as three people all typing simultaneously — can be extremely stressful. Especially when we all send something to the printer at once.

Over the last 16 years, I have developed a coping mechanism to help deal with this pressure-cooker environment. It’s fast, effective and doesn’t require a yoga mat, punching bag or medication. Because I know many of you deal with the same kinds of pressures at your own jobs, and because my editor has left for vacation, I took it upon myself to create a short, self-help video utilizing DubSmash to demonstrate my technique and help others.

Results may vary…

Do YOU have a special technique for dealing with work-related stress? (NOTE: Something other than getting fired…)

Have anger issues? Don’t beat yourself up over it

image Hello and welcome to a special edition of our in-depth medical feature Health Yak. Today we will be discussing a study that suggests as many as 16 million Americans — or roughly the number of people who never receive their appetizers during an average season of Hell’s Kitchen — suffer from periodic outbursts of anger.

I know what you’re thinking: What makes this different from a typical outburst of anger, like when I open the air vent in my car and release a cloud of spores the size of shiitake mushrooms?

The answer, of course, is that there is no difference. At least not until someone funds a clinical study, at which point it becomes an official “disorder” treatable by a new drug with minor side effects, such as having your liver grow to the size of Shaquille O’Neal’s seat cushion. Continue reading Have anger issues? Don’t beat yourself up over it

Finally, my town is known for something other than exploding whales

image Being that my family and I live in a coastal town, we are privy to a run of grey whales passing by on their way to and from the gulf of Mexico twice a year. Whether this migration is the result of natural instincts or male whales refusing to ask for directions is unclear. What I do know is that our small town of Florence, Ore., recieved national attention back in 1970, when a whale caracass washed up on a nearby beach. Though tourism skyrocketed during the first few days, that began to change as
nature took its course and a two-mile radius began to smell like a port-o-potty at an outdoor sushi convention.

City officials were suddenly faced with two crucial questions:

1) How to dispose of tons of rotting whale as quickly as possible?

And

2) Would the “I Had a Whale of a Time in Florence” T-shirts arrive it in time? Continue reading Finally, my town is known for something other than exploding whales

For writers, word selection is a lot like natural selection

image Several weeks ago in my Nickel’s Worth on Writing, I talked about three of the most important tools a writer wields when it comes to establishing their voice. Does anyone remember what they were?

For the sake of time, and my feelings, let’s just assume everyone remembers those tools and, in a series of uncontrollable outbursts, begin shouting:

TIMING! TRUTHFULNESS!

and…

and…

CUERVO!

No, the third tool is not Cuervo. It’s RELATIVITY. Although I think we can all agree Cuervo does have a way of making even the most abstract things seem relevant.

In this case, however, Relativity means ensuring the reader can relate to what we’re writing about. This is especially true when it comes to personal experience and family anecdotes. For example, that hilarious story about how Aunt Frida got mad and stomped through the garden won’t be nearly as entertaining to readers as it is to you unless, like you, they already know Aunt Frida was a mule. I realize that’s an overstatement, but unless you take time to lay the foundation of your story in a way that involves the reader, they will likely sit down and refuse to follow. Continue reading For writers, word selection is a lot like natural selection