Tag: media

Evidence found in our newsroom suggests ‘Rose’ looked nothing like Kate Winslet

"Skippy" the rabid, blindfolded squirrel.
“Skippy” the rabid, blindfolded squirrel.
RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!!

Wait! Before you start rifling through your official Winter Olympics program in search of an event that neither you nor the Olympic Committee knew existed because it’s on at 3 a.m., I should clarify that this battle cry has nothing to do with an Alabama-style Biathlon with live squirrels.

What it means is that it’s time once again for The Box, an exciting Tuesday feature that combines the drama of investigative journalism with the thrill of a wild, blindfolded squirrel. Think of Keith Morrison teaming up with John Quinones, except that Keith Morrison has rabies and might bite John Quinones.

Each week, I put my 15 years of journalistic experience to the test by identifying a randomly chosen photograph that has remained unclaimed in our newsroom since as far back as the 1980s. What makes this weekly feature unique is the photo selection process, which involves:

1) Me dumping The Box of photos directly onto the floor, and;

2) Yelling “RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!” before turning “Skippy” loose in our newsroom.

The photo nearest the first person who screams is selected! Continue reading Evidence found in our newsroom suggests ‘Rose’ looked nothing like Kate Winslet

New Olympic events promise even fewer viewers for biathlon

image Welcome to the final installment of our four-part Winter Olympic preview, 20 Reasons to Be a Summer Olympian! Today, we’ll be introducing the six new and exciting events making their debut — or five really, since one of them is another biathlon event. Okay, four if you consider Team Figure Skating. Of course, there’s also the new Luge Team Relay, which proves there’s no “I” in Luge Team; because unless I can’t find the remote, “I” probably won’t be watching.

But hey! That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to offer the same in-depth look at these events as we are Women’s Ski Jumping, mens and women’s Ski Halfpipe, and the Sochi Commode Relay, which pits the endurance needed for Russian cuisine against a limited number of working toilets. Continue reading New Olympic events promise even fewer viewers for biathlon

Let the Winter Games begin! (Before I get sued)

image Hello and welcome to the next installment of our groundbreaking (at least in terms of blatant copyright infringement) four-part Winter Olympics preview:

20 Reasons to Be a Summer Olympian

Today, we will be focusing on some of the most dangerous and exciting events at the winter games. Events like Luge, Skeleton and Ski Jumping. Events that require an extraordinary amount of physical and mental conditioning before an Olympic hopeful, such as myself, can compete without soiling his polymer body suit. While I’ve never actually trained for a spot on the U.S. Luge team per se, I experienced something very similar in the winter of 1999, when I slipped in the snow and landed on what rescuers believe was a discarded Volkswagen hubcap. Continue reading Let the Winter Games begin! (Before I get sued)

There’s no shame in admitting you haven’t seen Janet Jackson’s breast

In honor of today’s Super Bowl, I am harnessing the time-traveling power of Flashback Sunday to go back to that moment when I became one of only eight people who missed witnessing Janet Jackson’s big reveal…

What did I miss?! It’s been a decade since the introduction of the phrase “wardrobe malfunction” to the world vernacular during the 2004 Super Bowl. Yet the fact that I missed that historic broadcasting moment continues to be the subject of ridicule by several of my so-called friends.

As luck would have it, in the same instant 90 million viewers were gawking at a flash of Janet Jackson’s breast, I was picking a tortilla chip off the floor. The sequence of events leading up to that fateful moment went as follows:

1) While watching Janet Jackson dance in a highly suggestive manner, Ned inadvertently steps on a tortilla chip.

2) Being a polite guest, he reaches down for the chip just as everyone in the room shouts “HER _ _ _ _ IS SHOWING!!”

3) In a panic, Ned tries to knock his fellow guests aside but, instead, falls forward and lodges his head between the couch and coffee table, spraining his neck. Continue reading There’s no shame in admitting you haven’t seen Janet Jackson’s breast

If you’re a writer without a rejection letter, you’re doing something wrong

image Do you hear that? Shhhhh! Listen again…

That’s right — NOTHING! Now that my flu is almost gone, I no longer sound like a partially submerged Ford Fiesta backfiring in a swamp! At least not when I cough.

I’d like to apologize again for last week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, which was a good example of why some people shouldn’t be allowed near a keyboard while under medication. For those who missed it, I think it’s best summed up in this comment left by The Master of Horror® Stephen King:

Ned. You’re even scaring me with this sh@%. Stop it.”
— The Master of Horror® Stephen King

With that, it’s time for an influenza-free edition of my NWOW, which Editor’s Weekly recently called “…something that has become an integral part of our screening process whenever we hire a proof reader.”

High prays in deed. Continue reading If you’re a writer without a rejection letter, you’re doing something wrong

That time I was interviewed by Suz Jones while her cat ate my book

Catnip ink is cheaper, but there are drawbacks.
Catnip ink is cheaper, but there are drawbacks.
This morning I had the privilege of being interviewed by Suz Jones over at It Goes On as this week’s Fellow Blogger guest. She asked a lot of great questions and I revealed some things I normally wouldn’t, which taught me a valuable lesson about not wearing baggy shorts when being interviewed.

I also learned that my book seems to be as popular with cats as it is with dogs. Maybe it’s the section on pets (Why Is the Dog Wearing Cowboy Boots?), or maybe it’s that the quality of writing appeals to the standard reading level of most house pets. Whatever the reason, Suz’s cat really ate up my book. Starting with the corners.

I’d like to thank Suz for having me as a guest, and for going to the extra trouble of making authentic Australian “shrimp on the barbie.” I’m also glad her cat liked my book so much, which meant more shrimp for me.

Here’s an excerpt from today’s interview, along with a link to the rest at Suz’s blog… Continue reading That time I was interviewed by Suz Jones while her cat ate my book

Like speed skating, our Olympic preview continues because we can’t stop

image Hello and welcome to another exciting installment of our exclusive 2014 Winter Olympics preview:

20 Reasons to Be a Summer Olympian

It’s a preview so exclusive even the Olympic Committee doesn’t know about it. And, quite frankly, we’d like to keep it that way. That’s because while the larger media outlets routinely get bogged down with boring interviews and analysis of things like the effect of wind trajectory on Bob Costas’ hair, we are able to avoid all that. How? By going nowhere near the actual Olympic games! This allows us to provide you with valuable information that news sources in Sochi, Russia are missing because they’re too busy trying to keep their Babushkas from freezing off. Continue reading Like speed skating, our Olympic preview continues because we can’t stop

At a newspaper, every roll is crucial

(Welcome to Flashback Sunday, when we travel back in time to spotlight a post from the distant past while being extremely careful, of course, not to disturb anything that could change the natural course of history. Not that we’d know either way. Admittedly, the inexplicable success of Justin Bieber could be evidence we’ve failed at least once…)

Behind every great news story is a paper trail.
Behind every great news story is a paper trail.
There are few things that can bring a newspaper to a halt when it is facing a deadline. In fact, aside from a natural catastrophe or a critically important breaking news story (Example: Anything related to Dancing with the Stars), nothing stands in the way of our commitment, as journalists, to ensure that the power of the press continues — unless, of course, the unthinkable happens, and we run out of toilet paper in both employee restrooms.

As professionals, this is a scenario we train for. We know how to recognize a potential “situation” that could leave us vulnerable and without back-up. Yet, as we learned today, all it takes is a momentary lapse in resoluteness for things to escalate into a full-blown crisis.

“Has anyone seen Bill?” (Note: The names in this dramatic re-enactment have been changed to protect the innocent, such as myself, from being physically assaulted by “Bill.”) Continue reading At a newspaper, every roll is crucial

World’s smartest (looking) dog praises my book; denies any treats involved

Literary critic Nicholas H. Sheltie personally presents the Distinguished Dookie Award
Literary critic Nicholas H. Sheltie personally presents the Dookie of Distinction Award

As copies of Humor at the Speed of Life continue to wash up arrive on both coasts here in the U.S., as well as in countries generally accessible only by boat, so has praise from some of the literary world’s most respected critics. Among them, Nicholas H. Sheltie, who has awarded HATSOL with the coveted Dookie of Distinction Award after calling it:

“Arfuably the best backyard reading I have encountered since my days at the kennel. Inspirational. Three poos up, way up!

Though the notoriously reclusive Sheltie was unavailable for further comment, his press agent, S. Henry DaFrankmann, said “The Dookie of Distinction Award is so coveted because it is handed out with irregularity.” Continue reading World’s smartest (looking) dog praises my book; denies any treats involved

Were you mesmerized (fell asleep) watching the Golden Globes too?

See how getting "Jiggy" saved the Intoxicated Karaoke Awards?
See how getting “Jiggy” saved the Intoxicated Karaoke Awards?
(A timely excerpt from my book, Humor at the Speed of Life that could single-handedly save awards shows. And by “single-handedly” I mean one-handed clapping…)

As you probably know, we have now entered the annual “awards show” season, which officially began with the Golden Globe Awards, and is due to wrap up some time in April, when David Hasselhoff hosts the coveted Intoxicated Karaoke Performance Awards live from Tijuana, Mexico.

Every year, I watch at least some of these awards shows because, as a columnist, it’s important for me to keep up with cultural trends. I also watch because seeing Nicki Minaj always makes me feel better about the way I dress. However, according to a recent poll, ratings for awards shows have actually dropped. So much so that programming executives are calling it “an alarming trend.”

Personally, I think the word “alarming” is a little strong. Continue reading Were you mesmerized (fell asleep) watching the Golden Globes too?