Tag: men and women

Sounding off about romance with The Sisterwives

imageWhen The Sisterwives ask if you’d like to be a guest on their amazing blog, the answer is always:

“Oh yes… Yesss… YESSSSS!”

Not necessarily in that order.

So when the lovely Samara offered a chance to represent the male point of view regarding Valentine’s Day and romance, I saw it as an opportiunity to open a real dialogue between men and women. Something that could have a lasting impact. Something that could bring the sexes closer together through mutual understanding!

And something that wouldn’t be doomed to failure because we, as men, can’t stop staring at their boobs.

So, continuing the newly-established tradition of offering an audio preview of Monday’s upcoming post, I am including it here. Keep in mind the newspaper version is a bit tamer than what will appear on The Sisterwives, which mentions naked midgets and “Free Mustache Rides” t-shirts. Again, not necessarily in that order. Continue reading Sounding off about romance with The Sisterwives

Join me and some other guys for a rant — Sisterwives style

image It isn’t often I’m asked to talk about what bugs me. In fact, the last time someone asked me that question it cost me $150 an hour for them to listen. And I’m pretty sure I heard snoring, although I was told it was not, but was in fact my own repressed anger toward espresso machines manifesting itself.

Whatever.

So when the talented ladies at The Sisterwives said I could tell them what bugs me for free, I immediately launched into a long-winded rant covering everything from incontinence commercials while I’m eating, to people who use an entire parking space for their tiny Smart cars when they could easily park them in a SHOPPING CART CORRAL! After listing to me spew on for a while, Beth at The Sisterwives politely said, “This isn’t actually a therapy session, so I’ll need you to write that down please.” Continue reading Join me and some other guys for a rant — Sisterwives style

Consequences you can expect from horrible pick-up lines

image I’ve been ridiculously happily married for almost 10 years now, so the singles bar scene is a long-forgotten memory. Or maybe just a deeply repressed one. At least it was until yesterday, when a friend came to town and invited me out for a quick beer. As we began catching up over Dos Equis, we couldn’t help but overhear a series of pick-up lines being exchanged by a group of 20-somethings who — at least in their minds, and thanks to several happy-hour pilsners each — had assembled a list of clever lines no woman could resist. Assuming, of course, the women in question were all desperate to gain U.S. Citizenship.

As a service to single men everywhere, and in particular to that group of 20-somethings once they’ve sobered up, I felt obligated to jot down some of those horrible pick-up lines and explain — through a “trial” and “error” format — what they can expect should the words actually leave their mouths in the general direction of an actual living female, intoxicated or otherwise. Continue reading Consequences you can expect from horrible pick-up lines

A woman’s ability to remember is only equalled by… oh heck, I forget

image It’s time for this week’s edition of Post Traumatic Sunday, which are posts involving my ex-wife. None of them have appeared on this blog before, and only a couple were included in my book. Though none of these posts will be mean-spirited or vindictive, I was someone doing his best to deal with an unhappy marriage through humor.

Eight years later, I am happily re-married (my friends are sick of hearing about it, actually) and constantly inspired to laugh for the right reasons.

Now we can laugh together…

* * * * * * * *

Thanks to an exciting discovery published by the National Academy of Sciences, we’re one step closer to understanding an important, fundamental difference between men and women — which is that women have better memories, particularly when it comes to remembering why they’re mad at their husbands.

This earth-shattering discovery was made by psychology professors at Stony Brook University in New York, the same university that brought us groundbreaking data on the yawning habits of the domesticated yak. Continue reading A woman’s ability to remember is only equalled by… oh heck, I forget

Who knew navigating heavy traffic meant being in the right hemisphere?

image Welcome to this week’s edition of Post Traumatic Sunday, which are all posts involving my ex-wife. None of them have appeared on this blog before, and only a couple were included in my book. Though none of these posts will be mean-spirited or vindictive, it’s easy to recognize I was someone coping with an unhappy marriage through humor. Eight years later, I am happily re-married (ridiculously so) and inspired to write — and laugh — for the right reasons.

Finally, we can all laugh together…

* * * * * *

It’s a well-known fact that men and women think differently. This is because of the right and left hemispheres of the brain. While women tend to rely on the more creative, right hemisphere of the brain, which is responsible for verbal skills and abstract thoughts, men favor the more technical left side of the brain, which is mainly reserved for thoughts of sports and beer. Continue reading Who knew navigating heavy traffic meant being in the right hemisphere?

Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

(Around here, Sundays are reserved for sleeping in and breakfast cooked by our private chef. At least until the kids bang on the door at 7 a.m., waking me from this dream and demanding pancakes. It’s also a day reserved for Flashbacks, when I, figuratively speaking, serve up something from the distant past, much like a late Sunday night at Denny’s, except without the risk of food poisoning…)

Men don't like shopping If you want to observe the difference between men and women at its purest form, study their shopping habits. With the holiday buying season now officially under way, there’s no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself.

Here’s a brief study guide to get you started.
Women:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchangeable and flattering.
b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today.
c) Are undecided about whether or not a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Will try on all clothes within arm’s reach of the fitting room.

Men:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure.
b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime.
c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Continue reading Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

Take it from France: nothing says ‘romance’ like a clogged bidet

Clogged bidet I know this is a little after the fact, but given that Valentine’s Day is TODAY, I’m guessing that a lot of men are just beginning to realize they’re in serious trouble after coming home last night with nothing but a six-pac and an NBA game schedule. If you are one of these men, then there’s a good chance you are getting into Valentines’ Day mode right…

about…

NOW.

(Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for any injuries, heart ailments or claims of memory loss occurring as a result of this information.)

Do not panic! As men, we will stick together and, through the power of the Internet, call upon the romantic wisdom of men from throughout the world and, hopefully, come up with at least ONE good idea. Continue reading Take it from France: nothing says ‘romance’ like a clogged bidet

Men, help your wives avoid jail by returning that stupid gift you got them before it’s too late

The wives of men who trusted their gift-giving instincts.
The wives of men who trusted their gift-giving instincts.
Many years ago, I bought my ex-wife an Epilady shaver for Christmas. Because it was a sleek, modern, electrical device costing more than $50, there was no reason to suspect it would feel like someone had just ripped the hair out of her legs using Super Glue and a roll of duct tape. While I’m sure I’d gotten her gifts she didn’t really like, she’d accepted them. But in this case, as she chased me through the house completely naked and swiping at my scalp with her new Epilady, two things came to mind:

1) She really hates this gift,

and

2) I shouldn’t have gotten her the cordless model.

Now, before I get an angry letter from Park Products, Inc., I should clarify that this was a long time ago, and I’m sure the latest model is a vast improvement over the one she hurled through our bathroom window. Continue reading Men, help your wives avoid jail by returning that stupid gift you got them before it’s too late

Men, our dreams of being ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ can continue in North Korea

Kim Jong Eun has banned Channing Tatum from North Korea, which is fine with me.
Kim Jong Eun has banned Channing Tatum from North Korea, which is fine with me.
Admittedly, I had begun to give up my dream of being named “Sexiest Man Alive” by anyone other than my incredibly supportive, beautiful and nearsighted wife.

But when George Clooney got the title a second time in 2006, I was inspired to continue my quest. Sure, the fact that he is ruggedly handsome, square-jawed and extremely fit were factors to consider — assuming you’re into those kinds of things — but he has a much more important quality, which is that he’s actually WAY older than me.

By a good five years.

Which is almost a decade, really.

So, given our conclusion that George Clooney is practically a Centenarian, I was feeling pretty good about my chances. Continue reading Men, our dreams of being ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ can continue in North Korea

Men are from NAPA, women are from Macys

Soon, this man will contemplate ending his pain by ingesting large quantities of perfume.
If you want to observe the difference between men and women at its purest form, study their shopping habits. With the holiday buying season now officially under way, there’s no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself.

Here’s a brief study guide to get you started.
Women:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchangeable and flattering.
b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today.
c) Are undecided about whether or not a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Will try on all clothes within arm’s reach of the fitting room.

Men:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure.
b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime.
c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Continue reading Men are from NAPA, women are from Macys