Tag: musings

Mr. Knowitall is happy to answer your gift-buying questions

imageSince the introduction of Mr. Knowitall, who is our resident historian, economist, food critic, movie reviewer, foreign affairs consultant, science correspondent, consumer products expert and vending machine repairman (not necessarily in that order), many of you have written in seeking advice about holiday gift-buying.

Due to the enormous volume of email we received, they will be answered through a lottery-style process — which means that, until he wins the lottery, Mr. Knowitall will continue to answer your questions.

So let us begin!  Continue reading Mr. Knowitall is happy to answer your gift-buying questions

It’s time for change in politics (unless you’re wearing a diaper)

image As I mentioned Friday, as a candidate representing the new Dempublican Party, I am running for President of the United States.

Tonight.

No, you didn’t pull a VanWinkle and sleep through the last year while watching reruns of The Kardashians. My campaign is part of this week’s challenge to win “Performer of the Year” in The Public Blogger’s A Star is Born competition. Think of it as The Oscars of the blogging world meets The Apprentice, then gets dropped into Hell’s Kitchen — except hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

Unbeknownst (I can mark that word off my bucket list now) to us, the competition actually began months ago with 700 bloggers from around the world, all of whom were judged by an “Inner Circle” of panelists based on our individual artistic merits.

Yes, I see your mouth has dropped open much like mine, but I assure you my inclusion as the only humorist to reach the final 12 wasn’t a mistake. And if it was, it’s too late now. I already bought stationary and I’m not taking it back.  Continue reading It’s time for change in politics (unless you’re wearing a diaper)

Yes, you heard it right; I’m running for President (this week)

image If you’ve been following me in my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” in the A Star is Born competition at The Public Blogger, then you know I’ve made the Final Four!

*sound of old dog stretching*

If you haven’t been following because you’ve had more important things to do, such as flipping your couch cushions and wiping down the power chords, I understand.

Shame on you.

But I still understand.

To bring you up to speed, we are now in week 49… ok, it’s actually week 7, but it feels like 49. Or at least I feel like 49. Probably because I am. Which I usually don’t. But my back has been bothering me lately and I think I have a growth near my… oh wait, I think that’s actually supposed to be there.

Whew! Feeling better already!  Continue reading Yes, you heard it right; I’m running for President (this week)

Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

image There are thousands of books offering insights into the male/female dynamic. Coincidentally, these books are generally located next to the section labeled “divorced/end-of-relationship” section. If you want to observe the true difference between men and women at its purest form, without a divorce attorney present, simply study their shopping habits.

With the holiday buying season now officially underway, there’s no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself.

Here’s a brief study guide to get you started.

Women:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchangeable and flattering.
b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today.
c) Are undecided about whether or not a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Will try on all clothes within arm’s reach of the fitting room.

Men:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure.
b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime.
c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Continue reading Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

Ned’s Low-cal holiday treats that won’t cause vomiting

imageUnless you’re a hyperactive nine-year-old fueled by Pixie Sticks and Hostess Cupcakes without an ounce of concern for weight-gain because concern is the ONLY ounce you’re going to gain this holiday season, then you’re like the rest of us trying to get through the next six weeks without looking like Jabba the Hutt’s stunt double.

What this means is finding a healthy balance between satisfying your God-given right to partake in all of those delicious holiday treats while, at the same time, adhering to the God-given Commandment to avoid gluttony.

Yes, the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. Take fruitcake for example…

No, seriously. Please take mine.

That’s because over the next few weeks I’ll be sharing quick and easy holiday recipe tips that are both low-calorie and delicious! And not just because “quick and easy” is my pet name.

Today, I am going to show you how to make a cup of hot chocolate that you can drink as an alternative to buttered rum or egg nog, which are not only high in calories but also lead to drunken fights about that time you — again, after too many buttered rums — made a snow angel in the front yard wearing nothing but a Santa hat.

In August.  Continue reading Ned’s Low-cal holiday treats that won’t cause vomiting

Apparently, a blogless day and a deep breath is what needed

imageAs I mentioned at the beginning of yesterday’s post, I was going to be unplugging from everything for a day or so  to find my peace with what happened earlier that morning. No social media, websurfing, instant messaging — nothing. I needed to be completely in the moment. To embrace the sadness willingly rather than be enveloped by it. As  I’ve said before, sadness is the flipside of humor. And as much as I’d like to think I’m pretty good at the humor part, I’m also pretty good at the sadness part when the situation warrents it.

Yesterday definitely warrented it.

Today, I returned to the blogosphere and just wanted to say thank you; for respecting my need to shut down for a bit; the kindness you shared in the comments left on yesterday’s post; and the incredible number of shares my tribute to Shiloh received. Writing it was as close as I could get to sharing his warm handshake with as many of you as I could, in a moment when I needed to share it most — so that his warmth and goodness could in some way touch your life as it did mine. Thank you for understanding that, and for returning the handshake with the same kind of warmth. It made me smile for the first time since yesterday.

It was a fitting reminder that, though gone from this world, Shiloh’s handshake is still making me and others smile.  Continue reading Apparently, a blogless day and a deep breath is what needed

Spring never officially started until I got a handshake from Shiloh

This is the only thing I will be posting today, in tribute to a wonderful young man who was tragically taken from the world early this morning. After this, I will be shutting down my devices for the day and avoiding my social media sites. But before I did, I wanted to share my thoughts with you about a young man named Shiloh Sundstrom…

imageThe four years I covered Shiloh Sundstrom during his time as a Mapleton High School athlete remain among my favorites in my 16 years at Siuslaw News.

Not because he was a particularly extraordinary athlete. But because he was most definitely an extraordinary person.

The kind that makes you feel good just to be near him because he not only carried positive energy and warmth with him, but shared it with everyone he came into contact with.

Even after Shiloh graduated and moved on to Oregon State University, his seasonal returns to Bowerman Field to assist his dad, longtime Sailors’ track coach Johnny Sundstrom, remained something I looked forward to. It was my opportunity to be in his energetic and positive presence while catching up on what he’d been doing. I discovered early on that, much like talking with his father, it was impossible not to smile while talking with this young man.  Continue reading Spring never officially started until I got a handshake from Shiloh

Voting has opened; time to get “RAW”

imageHey everyone! Voting in this week’s round in the “Performer of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger has begun!

After six weeks of voting — and an unfortunate outbreak of salmonella — the field has been reduced from 12 nominees to five heading into tonight’s round.

This week’s challenge, titled “RAW,” was possibly the toughest yet, with each of us given just 24 hours to complete our presentation — which was to answer the following two questions:

1) What is your contribution as an artist?
2) Have you ever had sex while dressed as a Star Wars character?

OK, not really. Ha! Ha! I made the first question up. Continue reading Voting has opened; time to get “RAW”

Tonight’s performance will be raw — and not that funny

Tonight, things get serious.
Tonight, things get a little serious.

For those of you following and supporting my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” in the A Star is Born competition at The Public Blogger, the theme for tonight’s round is “RAW.” Fortunately, since this isn’t Hell’s Kitchen, there won’t be Chef Ramsey yelling at everyone about their uncooked chicken or lamb. What it does mean is that, unlike past weeks in this competition, we were given just 24 hours to respond to two questions:

What is your contribution?

And

Where will it find its home? 

The point of this round, and why we were given such a short time to put our submission together, was so that it would be as unrehearsed, real, live and “raw” as possible. For my piece, I decided to strip away as much as possible (Don’t worry! There’s no nudity!) by answering those two questions as spontaneously and unrehearsed as possible. To do that, I avoided the written word, which allows me time to think things through. I simply set myself up in front of a camera and answered the questions uncut and unrehearsed. No fancy images. No music or flashy segues — just me, answering in one take.

No second chances.  Continue reading Tonight’s performance will be raw — and not that funny

Your Thanksgiving questions answered by Mr. Knowitall

(Today I’m over at Long Awkward Pause, where Mr. Knowitall is talking turkey about Thanksgiving myths. Just don’t stand in front of him when he actually says “myths” because he tends to spit a little…)

Mr. Knowitall is happy to answer your questions
Mr. Knowitall is happy to answer your questions

It’s been 395 years since that first Thanksgiving, when the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians sat down together in celebration and, much like the Americans of today, made a solemn vow not to eat more than your standard bull elk. We know this because of a passage recently discovered in the diary of Pilgrim Edward Winslow, who described the first Thanksgiving like this:

“Our harvest be large so that we might rejoice! Our plates and bellies be full to swelling! We have feasted on meats and gathered crops, and pies of sweet fruit!
Aye, I say! I think it be time to vomit!”

— Edward Winslow, Nov. 26, 1621

In spite of this kind of irrefutable historic documentation, many myths still exist about one of our most celebrated holidays.

For example: Did anyone actually eat the Indian corn, or was it just used as a decoration?

As a special tribute to Thanksgiving, we asked our resident historian, Mr. Knowitall, to help separate fact from fiction about this important holiday. We encouraged readers to send us their own Thanksgiving questions and, as a result, were inundated with hundreds of emails! Mostly male enhancement offers… but still enough questions that choosing a handful (of questions) required a highly complex selection process utilizing dozens of volunteers, an empty office and one wild squirrel… (MORE at Long Awkward Pause)